


Heists and Hijinks

by EndoratheWitch



Series: Gotham Nights [31]
Category: Batman (1966), Batman - All Media Types, Batman: The Animated Series, Batman: The Dark Prince Charming (Comics), Harley Quinn (Comics), The Joker - Fandom
Genre: Blimps & Dirigibles, Boats and Ships, Dress Up, F/M, Heists, Joker and Harley Quinn in a nonabusive relationship, Kink Week, Light Bondage, Oral Sex, Robbery, Smoking, Trains, murderous clowns, planes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:46:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 46,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24504091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EndoratheWitch/pseuds/EndoratheWitch
Summary: Several days of Joker getting to dress up Harley and several heists.
Relationships: Joker (DCU)/Harleen Quinzel
Series: Gotham Nights [31]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/551110
Comments: 41
Kudos: 35





	1. The Meeting

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RoyalFlushGang](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoyalFlushGang/gifts).



Harley lay in bed on her stomach, her hair up in pigtails, reading a book with her glasses on the tip of her nose, and her feet in the air as she slowly kicked them back and forth. She was wearing a pair of Joker’s boxers, a white pair with little red hearts on them and one of his dress shirts, a dark yellow one that she had only buttoned two of the buttons on in the middle just to keep it from falling off. She loved wearing his shirts, as they always smelled like him. Even though they were never apart for long, she loved having his scent surrounding her. She smiled holding the collar to her nose while she read, taking a deep breath through her nose. 

Sighing happy, Harley had just gone back to reading when Joker came bursting out of the bathroom wearing a pair of yellow boxer shorts with tiny clown faces printed all over them and nothing else. 

“Harley! I just had a brilliant idea!” Joker announced loudly. He stood with his chest out and his hands on his hips. 

Harley looked over the top of her book and over the glasses at the end of her nose. “What’s that puddin?” she asked in a mildly quizzical tone. 

“This Monday, tomorrow, is the start of my kink week!” Joker announced proudly while grinning at her. 

“Kink week?” Harley’s brow creased. This concept sounded familiar, but she couldn’t remember if they had actually talked about this or not. 

“Yes, kink week will begin tomorrow, a week in which you must wear a costume that aligns with one of my kinks for you.” Joker grinned brightly. “There are many, many more kinks than simply seven, but we’ll stick with a week this first time and see how it goes. You’ll love it! Bob will love it. He’ll get to put his sewing talents to the test!” Joker clapped his hands. “This is going to be so much fun!!” 

Harley gave her puddin an amused look over the top of her glasses. “I must wear whatever you want?” 

Joker’s smile quickly turned into a full on pout. “You will, won’t you? Please?” He put his hands together in supplication. “Please, please, please!!!” 

Harley slipped her bookmark into place, closed her book, and set it aside before she sat up cross-legged on the bed. Joker kept his hands held in the pleading position, his blue eyes bright in his pale face. 

“Mm…” Harley tapped her finger against her chin. “So what do I get if I go along with this little kink week thing of yours?” She gave him a playful smirk, one eyebrow lifted. 

Joker grinned and began to count off his points on his hand by pressing his right finger against his left fingers as he counted. “Well, first it will make me very happy. Second, if I’m very happy, then we have a lot of fun, and if we’re having a lot of fun then we have even more fabulous sex…” He glanced over at her, but Harley was still smirking at him. 

Joker frowned in thought, then added with a sly grin, knowing that this was the point that was going to win him the case. “You get to have a kink week with me sometime in the future where I’ll wear whatever you want me to wear sweets.” 

When he saw the way Harley’s eyes lit up Joker knew he had won his wife over. 

“Okay fine.” Harley smiled at him, which caused Joker to jump around like a kid on Christmas morning. “YES!!” He pumped a fist in the air. “I gotta go find Bob!” he said excitedly before dashing from the room, still wearing only his boxers. 

Harley giggled and dropped back on the bed. This was going to be interesting she thought with a grin and a small shake of her head. 

* 

Monday, early in the evening, after she and Joker had gotten up, Harley was sitting in bed finishing off her breakfast of Rainbow Bombs cereal and watching some cartoons. Joker was on the phone with Oswald; he had just wandered out of the bedroom and into the living room. She could hear his voice, but not what he was saying, though from his tone, Joker sounded amused. Penguin was calling a meeting tonight of a small group of bad guys to discuss a job, a big job he wanted to do that would have several working parts and would require several of them to participate in order to pull it off--all with avoiding Batman. 

As far as she knew, the team-up was going to include her and Joker, Riddler and Quelle, Catwoman, Crane, Bane, and two new guys--one calling himself Mr. Freeze and another calling himself Egghead. 

Egghead she thought. Really? 

Harley made a face as she shoved a spoonful of cereal into her mouth. They really needed to get a few more female villains in Gotham. Some whom she knew had turned into anti-heroes lately, rather than remain villains. She found the whole thing distasteful. What happened to good old evil women? Except for her, Ivy, and sometimes The Carpenter from Jervis’s gang, there weren’t as many villainous women anymore. She didn’t really count Selina because Selina would flip sides like she was changing clothes. It all depended on which side the master thief thought would come out on top. 

Harley grumbled to herself, shoving more cereal into her mouth when Joker came bursting into the room all smiles and carrying something with him over his shoulder by a hanger. 

“Well, the meeting is set up for tonight, my lovely lady. Pengy is going to give us all the scoop when we arrive this evening about this big job of his. The fat little bird seems pretty excited about it.” Joker waltzed over and stopped at the end of the bed blocking Harley’s view of the TV. 

Harley made a face at him. “You really should stop calling Oswald fat; he really isn’t that big puddin.” 

Joker wrinkled his nose at her, rolling his eyes. “Oh whatever, he named himself after a fat little bird. I don’t know what he expects me to do with that if not make fun of him.” Joker’s expression quickly turned to one of excitement as the discussion of Penguin was quickly forgotten. 

“Guess what I have!” 

Joker grinned at her, wiggling with his excitement. 

Harley smiled at him as she set her cereal bowl down on the table next to the bed. She moved slowly, taking her time as she folded her hands in her lap, not saying a word. She knew Joker was going to explode soon if she didn’t ask him what he had. Harley kept herself from giggling. She knew that waiting, taking her time, would drive him nuts. He was so much like a kid sometimes when he was excited about something, whether it was giving her a gift, committing a crime, or murdering someone in the most hilarious way possible--a dangerous kid, but a kid nonetheless. 

Harley could see that Joker was vibrating with excitement while he waited for her to ask him what he had. 

Finally, with a smile curling her lips, Harley asked in a measured tone. “What do you have puddin?” 

Joker squealed, nearly jumping up and down. “Bob finished your first outfit!!” 

He giggled happily and held up the outfit for her to see. 

Harley blinked, then smiled as she saw the outfit on the hanger bearing the clear skill and artistry of Bob. The outfit was a rather skimpy cheerleading outfit, complete with green and purple pom poms. The outfit itself was also green and purple and consisted of a little, short, pleated purple skirt with green within the pleats, that would ride just at her hips leaving her entire stomach bare; a purple sleeveless halter top with ‘Joker’s Girl’ in green over the breasts, also showing a lot of skin. The outfit also included white thigh-high socks trimmed in green and purple, and purple and green high-top tennis shoes. 

Joker grinned around the side of the outfit. “Well, whaddaya think?” 

Harley smiled, hopping out of bed and snatched the outfit from him. “Be right back!” she called as she skipped away from him. 

Joker squealed with anticipation as Harley disappeared into the bathroom. 

* 

Joker waited with little patience, lying on his back on the bed, tossing one of his knives up at the ceiling, then easily catching it by the handle or the flat of the blade before it could come down and impale him. He managed to catch the blade each time without cutting his gloves and thus into his hand. 

When he heard the door to the bathroom open and he sat up quickly, catching the knife at the last second before it would have landed in his head, his blue eyes bright with anticipation. 

At first he just saw Harley’s hand across the door shaking a pom pom followed by Harley’s voice calling out. 

“Give me a J!” 

Joker put his hands around his mouth and yelled. “J!” 

This was followed by Harley cartwheeling out from behind the door into the center of their bedroom. Her hair was in pigtails with bright green and purple ribbons around them. She was chewing bubblegum and blew a large pink bubble as she landed and spun around to face him. 

The bubble popped just before she yelled. “Give me an O!” 

“O!!” Joker grinned as if it was Christmas morning as Harley began to jump in place throwing her arms up and out in classic cheerleader move, her pom poms making a slight rustling sound. The outfit fit her like a second skin, showing off all her luscious curves along with her creamy skin. Her breasts bounced just a little as she hopped in place, the pleats of the skirt flaring out as she moved her hips. 

“Give me K!!” She yelled. 

“K!!” Joker yelled back. 

Harley did a backflip giving Joker a glimpse of purple panties before she landed and spun around. “Give me an E!!” 

“E!!!” Joker cheered. 

Harley threw her arms into the air. “Give me an R!!” 

“R!!” Joker clapped his hands. 

“What does that spell??!” she asked leaning toward him, her hip cocked to the side, holding a pom pom to her ear. 

“JOKER!!” Joker crowed as Harley started to hop and bounce her pom poms together. “JOKER!!” she yelled with him. 

Joker clapped his hands. “Oh Harley pumpkin, you look fantastic!!” 

Harley giggled and did a little spin. “You like it?” 

Joker nodded and whispered lustfully. “Always wanted to get it on with a cheerleader.” 

Harley stopped and glared at him. “WHAT?” 

“I meant to say, you as a cheerleader!” Joker corrected himself. 

Narrowing her eyes at her husband, Harley made a humpf noise before she muttered. “That better be right puddin.” 

Joker got to his feet and pulled her into his arms. “You know it is sweets. No one but you.” 

Harley smiled and wrapped her arms around his shoulders and neck. “Good, because I don’t really feel like hunting down a bunch of cheerleaders and cutting their throats...at least not tonight.” 

Joker chuckled, his gloved hands slowly caressing her skin, sliding up her waist to tickle her ribs before sliding down again to her hips. 

“Mm…” He brought a hand up and started to pull his glove off with his teeth. “Let’s see what’s under that skirt…” he purred. 

“Oh Mistah J…” Harley made her voice sound playfully innocent. “I’m just an innocent cheerleader…Whatever could you mean?” 

Harley bit her bottom lip, batting her eyes at him while giving Joker a shy little smile when there was a knock at their door followed by Frost calling out. “The car is ready Boss!” 

Joker groaned and stamped his foot. “Damn it!” 

* 

Harley straddled Joker’s lap as they sat in the back of the car, heading toward the Iceberg. He had his gloves off and was enjoying himself just caressing Harley’s legs and waist while spending some very important time nibbling at the top of her breasts. 

Harley giggled and wiggled on his lap, making the clown grunt. “Oh Mistah J! I’m just a sweet little cheerleader. What could a big, strong psychotic clown like you want with a little cheerleader like me?” 

Joker purred, pulling her closer and whispering against the top of her breasts. “Mmm...maybe just a few cheers here and there...I like to watch your breasts bounce.” He tugged her top down over one breast until her pink, hard, luscious nipple popped free. Harley made a small little moan as he stroked his gloved fingers over her exposed nipple. 

“Oh Mistah J…” 

* 

Frost glanced once in the rearview mirror then away, shaking his head. He had been surprised to see Miss Quinn come hopping down the stairs with the Boss dressed as a cheerleader, but then she had started putting on this weird voice, like she was in high school or something and continuously calling the Boss Mistah J, which she was prone to do but not like she was saying it tonight. She kept acting like she didn’t know the Boss. 

Frost wasn’t sure what sort of weird, kinky thing the two of them were up tonight and he didn’t want to know, but he already figured tonight was going to be a messy sex night. 

He glanced sideways at his girlfriend, blushing. Of course, the night he invited Ecco to go with him on a job for the Boss--a job he thought woud be easy, a simple meeting night--would be the night the Boss and Miss Quinn decided to play some sort of kinky sex game. 

Ecco looked gorgeous tonight in a short dark blue dress that was both elegant and simple and suited her perfectly. 

Ecco glanced over at him and smiled, laying her hand on his thigh which sent shivers up Frost’s back. This was going to be a difficult night between the Boss and Miss Quinn and because Ecco could arouse him with just a touch. 

The porno going on in the back seat didn’t help matters at all. He didn’t understand how Ecco was acting like nothing weird was going on in the back seat of the car. She had glanced back there once, saw Boss with his face buried between Miss Quinn’s breasts and had said not a word. She had simply turned around to face the front. It was like when he told her what he did and who he worked for, she had seemed only mildly phased, but had quickly dismissed his job as no issue. 

Frost was pretty sure he had fallen hard for Ecco. She was perfect, beautiful, smart, and accepting. Not a lot of women like her could be found out there. She had never questioned him about his job, bugged him about tagging along, nothing like that. Her tagging along tonight had been his idea (an idea he was regretting), but at the same time, it was nice to have her here. Bob liked Ecco a great deal too. Ecco seemed to have picked up the gift of understanding the mute, bald man and the two of them got along great. 

Frost sighed. Clearly, he was the one that needed to relax. 

“You okay sweetie?” Ecco asked with a tilt of her pretty head. 

Frost nodded, taking a deep breath. “Yeah, just...maybe I shouldn’t have invited you along...I mean...it’s just a meeting, but there are going to be a lot of Gotham’s worst there. And then there's....” He didn’t turn and look over his shoulder, but his eyes flicked toward the rear view mirror. 

Ecco laughed lightly. “Oh Jonny, I’m not a delicate flower and I accept that you’re a criminal.” She blushed. “It’s a little sexy too. I’ll be fine, I’ll be with you remember?” She squeezed his thigh as she glanced in the direction of Joker and Harley. “And I think it's sweet how into each other the two of them are. So they have no boundaries? Good for them.” 

Frost gave her a disbelieving look, but she just chuckled and again squeezed his thigh lightly. “You need to relax. I’ll give you a back rub tonight.” 

Frost blushed before he turned and focused on the road, his cheeks red. Ecco leaned against his shoulder. 

On Ecco’s other side sat Bob, his headphones in his ears. The big man was bobbing his head in time to an Ariana Grande song. 

* 

Harley moaned softly as Joker’s tongue flicked across her exposed nipple, his tongue and breath warm against her skin. “Oh Mistah J…” 

Joker purred, rubbing his lips back and forth against her nipple, one hand under the skirt of her cheerleader uniform caressing the soft crease between her hip and thigh. “Mm...you taste like vanilla...wonder if you taste that sweet everywhere?” His words played like a caress across her skin. 

He brought his head up, his blue eyes meeting hers as he whispered. “Never explored cheerleading territory before…always a bit too athletic for my tastes, but exceptions can always be made for a pretty blonde with ample breasts and large blue eyes.” 

Harley giggled grasping the back of his neck, her fingers sliding into his hair. “You dirty clown, it’s a good thing a young innocent thing like myself likes dirty clowns.” 

Joker growled playfully at her, capturing her mouth in a deep, passionate kiss. He pulled her close, his hand squeezing her hip, his other hand cupping her breast. The warm leather of his glove against her skin gave her goosebumps. 

“Let’s see what you keep under that skirt…” Joker purred when they broke from kissing, turning to drop Harley onto her back when Frost turned the engine off. 

“We’re here Boss.” 

Joker groaned and rolled his eyes. “Damn it!!” 

* 

Holding hands, Joker and Harley waltzed into the Iceberg Lounge (Harley bouncing more than usual since she was in her cheerleader outfit, causing her breasts and skirt to bounce in the most deliciously distracting way Joker thought with glee), or at least into one part of the lounge. The legit business part of the lounge was strictly off limits to Joker and his like (though Joker had thought about irritating the little bird by going in through the legit part of the club, but hadn’t yet. The chaos it would cause for Oswald’s legitimate customers to see Joker and Harley coming into the lounge would be hilarious, but he had mostly not done it because he hadn’t found an opportunity when the stunt would be at it’s funniest. And Harley had asked him not to. Oswald hadn’t pissed him off lately so he had let the idea go...for now.) 

There were two very large men, (taller than Bob) both with matching bald heads, and both wearing matching tuxedos that looked ill fitting on their massive frames. 

Frost led the way, while Bob and Ecco brought up the rear providing protection for the clowns even if neither of them needed it. 

When they arrived at the entrance guarded by the two large men, Frost said gruffly. “The Joker and Harley Quinn here to see the Penguin.” 

The men just stared at him as if they didn’t understand the language he was speaking. 

Joker stepped around Frost, tugging Harley with him while he held her hand and looked up at the two men who looked more like shaved gorillas than men to him, which was a little funny and sad because Joker really liked gorillas. 

“The Joker and Harley Quinn!” Joker smiled brightly. “You may announce us,” he intoned imperially and motioned at one of the men. “Go, go! We don’t have all night. Either take us to him or go tell Chilly Willy that the life of the party has arrived.” 

The two men looked at each other in confusion though when they both saw Harley in her little cheerleader outfit their non-existent brows perked up in interest. Joker was both thrilled because he was well aware of how hot his girl was, but he was also annoyed because he was well aware of how hot his girl was and she was his girl. No one got to ogle her but him. Joker was just deciding to kill one of them or both when one of the men muttered in a monotone voice that gave the impression that the man was not used to speaking. 

“This way.” 

Joker made a face. “Thank you Lurch,” he muttered. 

Harley giggled and said in a deep voice. “You rang?” 

Both the clowns chuckled. 

Frost frowned, falling into step behind the men while Joker and Harley followed him. 

Joker muttered while swinging Harley’s hand. “Penguin really needs to add brains to his list of qualifications for employment. You need your hench people to be able to at least wipe their own asses.” 

Harley snickered. “Maybe they’re cousins or something and he had to hire them?” 

Joker laughed. “Poor Oswald having to hire relatives who remind him about how he got the short end of the height stick.” 

They both chuckled as the big man pulled open a door and stood aside. 

Frost walked in first, giving the room a quick check before he stood aside and let Joker and Harley enter. 

The room beyond was decorated in shades of blue, black, and white. The dim bluish lighting gave the room the illusion that the lights were being refracted through ice as some of the glass that decorated the ceiling and walls had the glacial appearance of sheets of ice. A semicircular bar made from black marble and etched glass stood off to the left in the room. The shelves behind the bar were well-stocked, full of colorful bottles of liquor, along with rows of drinking glasses. 

Making drinks at the bar stood Lark, wearing a long, black sleeveless evening dress. Her dark hair was pulled up in an elegant updo and she nodded a greeting to the newcomers. 

At a large table in the middle of the room sat Penguin at the head of a large table, dressed in a tuxedo (Joker hated to admit it, but Harley was right, the little bird had lost a lot of weight. Must be Lark’s fault, he mused.) The other seats at the round table were occupied by the rest of the invited guests. Harley saw Riddler wearing his green suit, with Quelle beside him dressed in a matching green “lady” version of the same suit. (Wasn’t that darling, she thought with a smile. Quelle finally got into Eddie’s pants and now they were dressing alike!) The two of them were speaking intimately, heads nearly touching, probably holding hands under the table Harley thought with a smile. She saw Crane in full Scarecrow gear sipping from a martini glass, the mask held up just enough for him to take his sips of alcohol. Somehow the slim, creepy man made the maneuver look normal instead of a little weird. 

Bane sat next to Scarecrow, but Harley noted he wasn’t wearing his usual luchador mask. Bane without his mask was beyond weird Harley thought, though it did allow everyone to see that he wasn’t a bad looking guy under the mask and muscles. He was even wearing a tuxedo that was...well, she wasn’t really sure if he looked nice or just plain odd. She would have to think about it. 

“I’ve seen everything,” Harley said, indicating Bane with a nod of her head. 

Joker blinked in surprise and hissed. “I was beginning to think he looked like Quasimodo under there or that he didn’t actually have a face.” 

Harley laughed. “I figured he was probably so good looking that the mere sight of him would cause women and men both to fall in love with him and that was why he wore the mask all the time.” 

Joker wrinkled nose his nose and made a sour face at her before he muttered, “I bet his face smells like onions and old cheese after wearing that mask all the time.” 

Harley pressed her lips together on a chuckle. 

Harley noticed Catwoman, dressed in a short black evening dress, her equally short black hair slicked back from her face, sipping from her own drink. On either side of Selina were the two newest villains in town. The first to draw Harley’s attention was a man in a strange suit that reminded Harley of an old fashioned diving suit with its clear glass globe around his head like a fish bowl and the various tubes and whatnots decorating the suit he wore. There was a distinctive cloud around the man. Harley could see through the glass head piece that the man was bald, blue skinned, and had either weird red eyes or weird red binoculars. 

She was going to guess that was Mr. Freeze only to hear Joker singing under his breath beside her ear. 

“Friends call me Snow Miser, whatever I touch, turns to snow in my clutch…” 

Harley worked very hard not to laugh out loud. 

The other man sitting next to Selina was also bald like Mr. Freeze, which made Harley wonder if bald villains were some sort of fashion statement. (Joker leaned close to Harley’s ear and whispered as if he had read her mind. “Is there a new bald theme in criminal fashion because I’m not for it.” Harley only giggled in response to him.) This man was dressed in an all-white suit, except for the egg yolk yellow dress shirt he wore. Harley frowned as they approached the table and saw he wasn’t just bald; the man’s bald head seemed bigger than was proportionate. Harley realized that his head had a decidedly “egg” shape to it. 

Joker snickered clearly reading Harley’s mind. “What on earth is that?” 

He indicated the man with the egg shaped head. 

Harley chuckled. “I’m going to venture, that's Egghead.” 

“Oh now Harley, what on earth would make you think that man’s name would be Egghead? He clearly has nothing to do with eggs. Maybe shaved testicles...” Joker snickered again when their attention was drawn by Lark calling out. 

“Hey Harley! Nice outfit, you two want a drink? Hey Frost! Bob...and Ecco right?” Lark smiled as Ecco returned her smile with a head bob. 

“I don’t like to drink on the job...” Frost murmured to Ecco. “...but you feel free.” 

Ecco smiled. “Thank you.” She didn’t get to say another word before Bob had taken her hand and began to lead her to the bar. 

Harley glanced at Joker, who nodded. “A shot of whiskey my dear.” 

He brought her hand up and kissed her knuckles before letting her go. 

Harley smiled softly at him, a seductive smile on her pretty lips. “Be right back puddin.” 

She turned and hurried off, skipping along, her pom poms shaking as she went. Joker made a soft growl in the back of his throat as he watched her bounce off, his eyes on her ass. 

“Mm...yummy…” he whispered to himself. 

* 

Harley arrived at the bar and leaned against the counter. Ecco and Bob both had drinks, Ecco with a martini and Bob with something that was very pink. 

Harley grinned at Bob. “That looks good.” 

Lark smiled. “It's called a Pink Police.” 

Harley frowned before turning her attention to Lark. “Hey Lark, that’s a funny name. Anway, a shot of whiskey for my puddin and I’ll have a margarita. So, how’s it going? You know what this is all about?” She indicated the table of villains behind her. 

Lark set about making Harley’s margarita. “A little. I know it concerns that stupid casino Maxie Zeus is building.” 

Harley made a sour face. 

She knew about the casino, everyone in Gotham knew about the casino. There had been a big fight between Bruce Wayne, the richest man in Gotham and one of the richest men in the country (who also owned a lot of damn real estate), who was against the mayor allowing not just a casino into Gotham, but a casino run and owned by an ex-criminal, though the mayor wanted the casino for the profit and jobs it would provide. Everyone knew about Maxie Zeus and his criminal activity, but since Maxie had been found ‘not guilty’ for all of his crimes due to his mental health issues...since he thought of himself as a Greek god...or had...and was now supposedly healthy, there had been a big public push (by the mayor) to let Maxie have his casino. It was not just a show of good faith in the ability for someone to come back from the brink of mental illness (he has supposedly been cured at Arkham which made Harley question his supposed sanity), but also a great boon for the city. 

All of the publicity had backfired, making Bruce Wayne look like a jerk, but the fact was, the casino was going to produce a lot of revenue for the city and the mayor, as well as bringing in desperately needed jobs. People liked money and jobs more than they feared an ex-Greek god going back to being--or thinking he was--a current Greek god. 

So far, as Harley and Joker were concerned, the casino looked like a giant, gold and marble toilet with the mask of a Greek temple over the front of it. Ripe for messing with once it was open, another plaything in their Gotham playground. 

Maxie was calling the place The Olympian. 

Ecco added with a slight frown as she played with her olive. “The damn place is an eyesore...too gold for my tastes. I don’t really mind the gambling. People can do what they want with their money, but the place looks like it would fit better with Metropolis or Las Vegas than Gotham.” 

Bob didn’t say a word or give any indication he was paying attention as he happily sipped his drink through a straw. 

Harley nodded her agreement with Ecco before turning to Lark again. “I bet Pengy is pissed about that place going up. I know Oswald has some illegal gambling, but a legit place is going to take a lot of his money. Plus I heard Maxie’s place has like two or three restaurants and a disco.” 

Lark nodded as she set Harley’s drink in front of her and began to pour Joker’s whiskey. “He is pissed. He's frantic to find a solution because that monstrosity of Maxie’s is going to ruin business big time. He actually worked with Bruce Wayne to try to stop the project…” She shrugged. “It’s going to cut into Oswald’s profits and if the casino does well enough, it might even close us down.” 

She sighed. “Big, gaudy, and trashy is hard to compete with when you are trying to maintain a sort of old world elegance vibe.” She looked around the room with a sigh. 

Harley frowned, slinging the loops of her pom poms over her wrists before picking up both drinks. “Seriously?” 

Lark nodded. “Seriously.” 

Shaking her head, she glanced over at Ecco. “I think you can stay sitting here at the bar with Bob if you want instead of standing around with Frost. He’s gonna be tense. This many villians in a room…” She giggled. “...and never knowing what my puddin is going to do…” 

Ecco nodded her understanding. “I’ll be fine right here. Don’t want to get in his way Miss Quinn.” 

“Oh pfft...call me Harley, everyone does. Besides, we’re gonna be friends right?” Harley’s eyes twinkled. “Actually family since you’re with Frost, so no more Miss Quinn. I can’t get Frost to stop calling me that, but you don’t have to.” 

Ecco smiled brightly. She really was quite pretty Harley thought as the other woman held her drink up. “To family.” 

Harley laughed. “Good,” she said before she turned and hurried back to Joker. 

Harley frowned as she walked over to where Joker sat next to Bane and set their drinks down while thinking about the casino. She didn’t want Pengy to go out of business. His place was like a national treasure! The Iceberg Lounge was a fixture in Gotham and it needed to be preserved! 

Joker grinned when he saw the drinks on the table, particularly Harley’s margarita. “Ooo!! Your drink looks good sweets!” 

Harley slipped onto his lap instead of taking the chair on his other side. Joker grinned as she sat down. “Well, feel free to have some puddin. You always end up liking my drinks.” 

Wrapping his arms around her waist and adjusting her on his lap so that she was sitting just right, caused a shiver of pleasure to race up his spine as Joker purred. “Well I just might have a sip my sweets…Mm…” He stroked his fingers along the edge of her tiny cheerleading skirt. “I do like this skirt.” 

Harley wiggled a little and purred, dropping back into her cheerleading character. “Oh Mistah J, you’re so naughty!” 

Joker giggled and tickled her just as Penguin stood and cleared his throat. “Now that you’re all here, let me first make introductions to our two new…” Oswald struggled for a moment before he said with a grin. “Compatriots. This…” He pointed at the blue-skinned man in the fishbowl, who inclined his head. “Is Dr. Victor Fries, or as he likes to almost be known by--Mr. Freeze. His skills are with...freezing things and he is a very smart man.” 

Freeze only smiled and added nothing else to Oswald’s introduction except to say in an accented German voice. “It’s a pleasure to meet you all.” 

“And this fine fellow…” Penguin gestured to the man in yellow and white. “...is Edgar Heed, or as many know him by his villain name--Egghead.” 

Joker snickered against Harley’s ear. “There isn’t any other name the poor sap could pick with a head like that.” 

Unlike Freeze, Egghead stood up from his seat. “I, Egghead, would like to introduce myself. I am the greatest criminal mind to ever grace the streets of Gotham. I am here to help Penguin, who happens to be a dear and personal friend of mine…” 

Joker snickered while kissing Harley’s shoulder. “From where? The zoo? Did Oswald lay him? I’m betting a million dollars right now that Ossie laid him, sat on him, and hatched himself a little egomaniacal loon.” 

Harley tried not to giggle, but it was hard. She gave Joker a soft punch in the chest with her elbow. He coughed on his laugh. 

Egghead didn’t notice them or ignored them as he continued his little speech. “...so if any of you need guidance in the ways of larceny, I am the one you should speak to. Also my secretary, Miss Bacon, has the latest updated version of my e-book, “Thoughts of a Criminal Eggstermind” in which she is writing down every word I speak...a collection of masterful quotes and schemes from a master criminal and intellectual genius. I’ll forward you all a copy on your electronic devices.” Egghead grinned at them all. His gaze settled on Harley, quirking a brow at her, clearly taking in her costume before he sat back down. 

Harley muttered under her breath. “Oh no...why do I hear egg puns in our future?” 

Joker tickled her bare stomach lightly as he cooed against her shoulder. “Because it’s eggspected.” 

Harley groaned and rolled her eyes feeling Joker’s silent laughter behind her. 

* 

Penguin looked around at everyone. “I suppose most of you have some idea why I asked you all here. Maxie Zeus and his infernal casino…” 

No one said anything, letting Oswald continue. “That place is a blight on the Gotham skyline, it’s gaudy and disgusting…” 

Catwoman purred. “And it’s going to put you out of business.” 

Penguin gave her a disgusted look and nodded. “And it’s going to put me out of business, and if I go out of business, you all--and others here in Gotham--are going to be hurting because of it. I run the Gotham blackmarket through this place…” He indicated the room with his hand. “I provide a neutral setting for business discussions, plus a safe place to unwind, a place of elegance, for dancing, eating, drinking, and sophisticated entertainment. Zeus is offering crass entertainment, discos, fast food and, since he is serious about this legit business shit…” Everyone’s eyebrows rose at Penguin’s cursing. “...there won’t be a neutral ground, a place where people like us can go to relax and enjoy ourselves. Maxie Zeus is bringing garish, lowbrow entertainment to Gotham City and we need to stop him.” 

Catwoman only smirked, though everyone else looked slightly concerned. 

Joker raised his hand. 

Penguin frowned slightly, then pointed at Joker. “Yes.” 

Joker grinned, grunting and rolling his eyes as Harley moved, pressing her rear against him, very much on purpose. 

“Ah, so what do we get if we help you…?” He grunted again and chuckled as Harley bounced a little, all the best parts of her bouncing with her. 

Penguin gave the clown a slightly dirty look, clearly taking in Harley’s unusual costume. He didn’t know what was up with the cheerleading getup, but there was something up with them and Harley was distracting Joker with her...bouncing. For a split second he knew he was going to regret including Joker and Harley in his scheme, he knew it, but he also knew if he didn’t the results could be far worse. He just had to hope whatever game they were playing wasn’t going to distract from what he needed them to do. 

“I was getting to that. Maxie may be going legit, but that doesn’t mean all the money he has coming in is from legit sources. Getting that amount of gold just to decorate that monstrosity of his doesn’t come through legal channels. I know for a fact that he has gold and art coming in from several different sources through several different means of transportation. One of these is a shipment of gold coins from a wrecked ship that is being transferred here through back channels by Black Manta, there is a Saudi oil baron who is also providing gold to Maxi that will be arriving by plane. 

There are more shipments of gold and ill-gotten artwork coming into Gotham through train, plane, dirigible, truck, and ship. My plan is for us…” He motioned to everyone sitting at the table. “To hijack those shipments. No money, no gold, no artwork...no fucking casino.” 

Penguin looked pleased, but Catwoman purred again. “Yes, but what do we get if we help you Oswald?” 

The Penguin grinned. “All the shipments together add up roughly to about 300 million. You do your jobs...you get a cut of a little over 35 million...each.” 

Bane whistled and even Riddler looked impressed. 

Joker shrugged. “Well...that’s not bad, I suppose.” 

Penguin rolled his eyes. “And you can stop the shipments anyway you want.” 

“Anyway I want?” Joker asked, to which Penguin nodded. 

“Anyway you want as long as the product is intact. And we’d all be sticking it to Maxie Zeus.” 

“Well, I do hate Maxie Zeus…” Joker pondered before he grinned brighty, standing up at the same time with Harley who giggled. “Okay. We’re in! Where is your bathroom?” 

The Penguin frowned. “What?” 

(Behind Joker, Frost groaned silently. He knew what was happening because he had seen how Harley had kept rubbing her backside against Joker.) 

“Your bathroom man! I mean I can take her right here on the table, but I thought I would be polite by taking Harley to a bathroom. I mean...look at this outfit!!!” He pointed dramatically with both arms at Harley who threw her arms in the air, pom poms in her hand and yelled. “Go PENGUIN!!” 

Joker raised his eyebrows for emphasis. “And she’s been sitting on my lap….” 

“What is with the outfit?” Riddler asked, clearly missing on the obvious clues. 

Joker grinned proudly. “It’s kink week!” 

“Kink week?” Bane frowned followed by his eyes widening. “Ahh...I see.” 

Oswald paled and pointed. “Down the hall that way and to your left.” 

“Thanks Pengy!! Just give the details to Frost!!” Joker turned, nearly kicking his chair away as he grabbed Harley by her pom pom that was looped around her wrist and raced out of the room. 

Frost took a deep breath and took Joker’s seat. 

“Is that going to be a problem?” Mr. Freeze asked, watching the clowns disappear. 

Riddler shook his head. “Actually, no...if Joker’s distracted with Harley, then he won’t be inclined to think of shooting any of us.” Riddler looked around. “I mean, have any of you noticed he hasn’t been inclined to try to kill any of us lately?” 

Crane chuckled. “Very true. Harley will keep him both distracted and on track for the job. You have no worries Mr. Freeze.” 

Freeze didn’t look convinced, but he shrugged. For 35 million dollars he could tolerate quite a bit. 

* 

Joker kicked the door to the bathroom open, failing to notice the nice marble floorings, or the silver bathroom fixtures, and dragged a giggling Harley inside with him. He spun her into his arms as the door swung closed and kissed her hard. 

Harley made a little grunt of desperation, flinging her arms around his shoulders, her pom poms looped around her wrists, flopping against his back. 

Biting her bottom lip, sucking on her lip before he released her mouth with a groan, Joker said, “I like you as a cheerleader.” He chuckled. “So jiggly and bouncy.” 

Harley said in a breathy voice, “Oh Mistah J, you are so handsome.” 

He chuckled, his gloved hands sliding up her waist to cup her breasts as he groaned.”This is going to be such a hard week.” He snickered. “Get it?” 

Harley reached down and cupped him, giving his hard erection a squeeze that made him grunt and groan. “Oh, I get it.” 

Growling in the back of his throat, Joker grinned. “You are a naughty cheerleader.” 

He grabbed her and spun her around to face the mirror, bending her over so that Harley had to grab the sink in front of her, her pom poms smacking against the sides of the sink. He flipped her skirt up and pulled her panties down, taking a moment to rub his hands over her smooth backside, pressing his lips together as he gazed at her naked rear. He slid his fingers between her legs, leather rubbing against her. Harley moaned in response, arching her back and pressing against his touch. 

Joker growled, removed his hand, and quickly pulled his glove off his fingers with his teeth, dropping the leather glove to the floor. He reached between her legs, sliding his fingers against hers with a hiss, feeling the warm wetness of her. She was so wet against his fingers, the sensation made his knees weak. 

Harley moaned at his touch, though she watched him in the mirror, wiggling her ass at him before stepping out of her panties when they fell to her ankles. Joker pulled his fingers away from her and quickly unfastened his slacks before he pushed her legs wider with one of his feet. 

Slowing down only a little, he coated himself with her juices, making himself slick and wet before he shoved into his wife. Harley cried out a delighted response, her eyes fluttering as he thrust himself deep into her. She opened her eyes to look in the mirror. 

Standing behind her, Joker gripped her hips with both hands, his eyes closed in a moment of pleasure, holding her to him. Slowly his eyes opened and he met her gaze in the mirror. Both of them smiled at each other before Joker started to thrust, smacking into her hard and fast. 

Gasping with pleasure, Harley held onto the sink, arching back against him as he plunged deep into her, sending ripples upon ripples of pleasure through her. The sound of her pom poms banging against the sink, along with the sound and feel of her, Joker pounding into her was more than she could take after just a couple of minutes. She peaked with a cry, her entire body stiffening. 

She rose up on her toes, the soles of her tennis shoes squeaking against the marble floor while she cried out in pleasure. 

Joker groaned and felt her body tighten around him while he gazed at her face in the mirror, her expression gorgeous as she came. Her eyes met his, sparkling light blue eyes hooded with pleasure, surrounded by dark lashes. The look on her face combined with how slick and wet she was made Joker jerk with pleasure. He held on tighter to her hips, thrusting with wild abandon giving himself over to the need that had been building from the moment Harley did her first cheer. When he felt her climax a second time and thrust her ass back against him, he shuddered. Their eyes stayed locked as they orgasmed together. 

Joker groaned loudly, his grip on her hips loosening. He stroked her back with a happy sigh smiling at her reflection in the mirror. 

He laughed lightly. “This is going to be a really rough week on me.”


	2. The Boat

Joker sat on the edge of the bed, dressed to go out. 

His green hair was slicked back except for the stubborn curl on his brow and he wore a new suit. He had combined a blood red dress shirt with a purple bow tie, green floral printed suspenders, and purple slacks. Over this he wore a dark purple tailcoat with a bright orange flower on the lapel and matching dark purple and red wingtip shoes, along with bright blue socks printed with colorful balloons. 

He was bouncing his feet as he waited, leaning forward, his fingers laced between his legs. 

Trying not to suck on his bottom lip and ruin his lipstick, Joker inspected his fingers and frowned slightly when he saw the polish on one thumb was slightly chipped. 

“Gotta get Harley one of those gel nail sets…” he murmured when the door to the bathroom finally opened and Harley came prancing out. 

Joker’s mouth fell open as Harley grinned at him and did a spin. 

The outfit was all black leather and metal, a short skirt made of leather pleats with a metal belt that hung low on her hips that Bob had designed to look like an open dragon’s mouth (Joker noticed immediately the similarities between the dragon and himself in its look, which made him grin broadly.) The top part of Harley’s outfit was leather bikini top, which left a lot of her stomach exposed. (Joker pressed his lips together with a grin as his eyes snaked down over her flat stomach and felt his groin pulse as he gazed at her.) The leather top that covered her breasts had leather straps that crossed over the top of each breast, leading up to her shoulders and into a set of layered shoulder armor. Harley also wore leather and metal vambraces on her forearms held on with long straps, and a pair of black knee high boots that also had a lot of straps. She had her hair braided in two fishtail braids with metal beads mixed into her hair, draped over her shoulders. To top off the warrior princess look, Harley had a red heart painted on her cheek, just under her eye left eye, and a black diamond under the other. 

Harley grinned, her lips painted black. “So…” She spun around again. “What do you think?” 

Joker rose to his feet and clapped his hands with excitement. 

“OOh!! You look so good.” He snickered. “I want you to carry me off to your cave and violate me!” 

Harley giggled at him, then gasped. “OH wait there--this is the best part!” 

Joker pressed his lips together, waiting as Harley dashed out of their bedroom into the living room. She returned a few seconds later with a weapon in her hand, a baseball bat but tiny, nasty looking spikes that had been hammered into the wood along the business end. 

Dropping the bat onto her shoulder Harley, grinned at him as she cocked a hip. “You, man, I claim you in the name of my Goddess of Laughter.” 

Joker squealed with delight holding his arms out, his hands joined at the wrist. “I willingly sacrifice myself to your evil goddess.” 

Harley opened her mouth to reply when they heard a knock. “Boss, we’re ready!” 

It was Archie. 

Letting out a sigh of disappointment, Joker walked over and took Harley’s hand in his as they headed to the door. “I’m really enjoying kink week and it’s only day two! Not sure how I’m going to survive this entire week...” He chuckled with pleasure. “I won’t be able to walk by Sunday!” 

Harley giggled. “Well you know I would do anything to please my puddin, and if you’re tied up, you don’t need to walk puddin...” Harley gave him a devilish look, her blue eyes twinkling behind her dark lashes. “My evil goddess requires you to be on your back…” 

Joker chuckled leaning over to rub his nose against hers as he whispered. “Tie me up later?” 

“Oh, I fully plan on it,” she replied with a soft purr that made Joker groan softly as he reached for the door. 

* 

In a warehouse a handful of miles away from the dock where they were supposed to encounter the boat that carried some of Maxi Zeus’s gold, Bane stood with his mask firmly in place and wore his usual outfit of a sleeveless t-shirt that exposed the tubing that pumped the drug he was addicted to into his body. The sight was frightening, he knew, which was why he made a point of showing it to the men he hired. They needed to know who they were dealing with, not your regular street hood or wannabe crime boss. They were dealing with Bane. 

He paced in front of the men he had brought with him on the job, and all of them but one were new hires. The man he knew was Alvaro, who had been with Bane for a long time, one of the few men that Bane trusted. He had allowed Alvaro to choose the men for tonight’s job, but now Bane felt he needed to warn the men, not about the job itself, but about their partners for the night. 

“Tonight…” Bane spoked as he walked, his hands behind his back giving the big man an aristocratic bearing despite his large size and strange getup. “...we will be working as a team with the Joker and Harley Quinn.” 

Three of the men made little gasps of surprise, though the other one didn’t look impressed. Bane made no comment as he continued. “That should be warning enough about being careful, but…” Here Bane felt himself blush a little under his mask. He knew the clowns, knew about their constant and never ceasing desire for one another. He actually admired their commitment to each other. Love such as what the two psychotic clowns shared was rare, rare among the sane and rarer still among the insane. 

Bane, as with nearly every one of the rogues (and sometimes the vigilantes) in Gotham, had caught the two of them in the throes of passion on more than one occasion, but tonight he felt a warning was due. He thought these men deserved a warning not just because these men were new, but, as Joker had announced last night at the meeting with Penguin, this week was “Kink Week.” Judging by the revealing and--Bane had to admit to himself--sexually stimulating outfit Quinn had worn last night, kink week was going to consist of costumes that would adhere to many males’ (and females’) own...kinks. 

Including his own. 

“I am not just warning you that our partners this evening are Gotham’s notorious clowns. I am also warning you because Joker has declared that this week is kink week…” 

One of the men, a blonde whom Bane could not remember the name attached to the face, snorted in response. “What?” 

Bane gave the man a stern look that communicated through the mask he wore. “You heard me correctly: this week for the clowns is kink week. Because of this declaration…” 

Another man, a skinny man that Bane was sure he could snap with his fingers (where did Alvaro find that one he wondered), asked. “Ah, what does that mean? I mean...are they bringing dildos or something?” 

The other men snickered, but Bane was pleased to see that Alvaro did not. Good man. 

“No, it means that Harley Quinn will be here in an outfit that is not her typical working attire,” Bane responded. 

Another man, big and with a nasty scar over his eye, asked, “You mean she’s gonna be dressed up as something other than a clown?” 

Bane nodded. “That is correct.” 

“So, like what? A French maid?” The man looked confused followed by a chuckle. “I mean I ain’t going to complain about a hot chick in a skimpy outfit. I hope she shows up as a stripper.” The other new hires all chuckled, but Bane said with seriousness trying to stress just how dangerous the situation could be. “She could be dressed up as anything. We must be careful, be vigilant.” 

“So why are you warning us?” the skinny one asked. “I mean she’s just wearing some outfit…” He looked at Bane, then to Alvaro in clear confusion. 

Bane glanced at Alvaro. The two men knew exactly how dangerous this “kink week” could be. “I’m warning you because there is a fine line you must walk between giving Harley Quinn enough attention while not giving her too much,” Bane replied solemnly. That was good advice in most situations, he thought. 

The man with the scar frowned. “What?” 

Bane stopped pacing, holding his hands out in front of him, fingers touching. “You must acknowledge that Quinn is a beautiful woman or the Joker could kill you, but at the same time, if you focus too much on Quinn, the Joker could kill you. “ 

The four men looked at each other while Alvaro just sighed. 

The blonde narrowed his eyes. “How the fuck are we supposed to do that?” 

Bane smiled under his mask. “Carefully.” 

As if on cue, the doors to the warehouse were thrown open, causing everyone in the room to jump and pull their weapons, except for Bane who was expecting something like this. He held his hand out to stop anyone from shooting as a short man dressed in a clown costume came into the warehouse. 

The outfit he wore was half white, half red with polka dots of the same colors over the entire outfit. The little man wore a large ruffled collar and a pointy hat with a fringe of red hair protruding from the hat. His face was painted white with large blue circles painted around his eyes along with a blue, painted on five o’clock shadow. 

The man stopped just a few feet in and held up a bullhorn. “Announcing the Joker and his wife, Harley Quinn, Warrior Queen of the Wasteland of Gotham!” 

The short clown stepped aside and Joker came prancing in with Harley Quinn on his arm dressed in a leather bikini with a leather pleated skirt, and carrying a spiked bat. Bane noted the “war paint” and the braids that Harley wore, all clearly within a theme. 

Bane blinked at her getup, not what he had been expecting. Bane wasn’t sure what he had been expecting, but a Xena Warrior Princess style outfit had not been it. 

Harley looked good too, he thought. Better than good, she looked downright sexy. The woman always looked sexy, but the change in outfit highlighted some of her more alluring features, much like the cheerleading outfit the night before had. Bane was thankful he wore a mask to hide his expression. 

“The fun has arrived!!” Joker announced as he and Harley strolled over to Bane and his men. Trailing behind Joker was Frost, in his typical suit and tie, Bob, who had decided to go along with Harley’s outfit by wearing all black. The big man’s tutu had a bit of a bustle in the back, but he wore a black leather crown with metal spikes on his bald head. 

The last two members of Joker’s crew that night were two clowns that Bane didn’t recall seeing, which meant they were expendables. Bane almost felt sorry for them, but if they signed up with Joker then they probably deserved whatever happened to them. It was the story of the scorpion and the frog--you don’t take a ride with a scorpion and act surprised when it stings you. 

Joker stopped in front of Bane with a big grin. “Hello Bane, my darling. So, what’s the plan?” 

“Hi Bane!” Harley smiled at him and waved with the fingers that were wrapped around her bat. 

“Good evening Joker, Harley. We were just about to discuss the plan,” Bane said. 

All of Bane’s men stared at Harley. They each found it difficult to avoid staring, as the outfit showed off a great deal of skin, from the smooth creamy skin of her stomach and hips to the long stretch of shapely leg and the deep, inviting cleavage of her breasts. She was a truly gorgeous woman Bane thought; Joker was a very lucky man. Harley Quinn was not just gorgeous, she was also intelligent and funny and skilled in combat, a rare combination of features. If she wasn’t Joker’s girl, Bane might actually have considered pursuing her for himself, but he was not the type of man to step on the toes of another man. Nor was he suicidal. 

Bane glanced over at his men. Alvaro and two others looked, gave appreciative nods or smiles, but then quickly looked away, while the other two members of his crew, the skinny blonde and the man with the scar, were continuing to stare far too long. The man who bore the scar licked his lips. 

Bane cringed, glancing over at Joker who had immediately caught the lingering stares of the two men. 

Bane gave a silent sigh. He could try and stop whatever was about to happen, but he had warned them, told them exactly what not to do, yet these two men continued to stare. He supposed Joker killing one or both wasn’t that bad. If they couldn’t follow the simple order of “Don’t Stare at Joker’s Girl” then they deserved what happened. The scorpion and the frog. 

Joker was all smiles, but Bane saw the moment that Joker realized that the gaze of these two men was lingering too long on his Harley. When the men didn’t look away at the appropriate time, Joker’s smile became wider, showing off more teeth and there was a glint of madness in Joker’s blue eyes. 

“Oh, I see the two of you really like my girl;s outfit…” Joker smiled at them, his tone matter-of-fact. 

The blonde man’s eyes widened as he clearly sensed the danger he had just fallen into by continuing to stare. “Ah, sorry, but...she's a very beautiful woman, Joker sir.” He ducked his head. “I’m sorry.” 

Harley giggled. “Aww, thank you.” 

Joker grinned, his hand going around Harley’s waist as he spoke. “She is very beautiful, isn’t she?” He looked over at Harley, his gaze softening. “She is the most beautiful woman in the world,” he said quietly and added under his breath. “My barbarian queen who I’m a thrall to, will do anything for....” 

Harley giggled reaching up to boop the end of Joker’s nose. “Oh puddin…” 

Joker wrinkled his nose at her, which caused Harley to reach up and grasp his face between her hands. She tugged him forward just a little and kissed him, a deep, passionate kiss that was all tongues and biting. 

Everyone in the room stared. Bane had heard of pornographic kisses, but he had never actually witnessed one until now. 

For a moment Bane thought perhaps Quinn had distracted the clown as she pulled herself up against Joker who slid his hands along her sides, tracing the edge of the belt pressed against her skin, his gloved fingers lingering over the smooth line of metal and leather that ran along her lower belly. 

The blonde man’s eyes widened and he turned away, everyone else took a quick look before they too looked away, but the man with the scar continued to watch, a leer on his face. 

Bane muttered under his breath, “Idiot.” 

Joker gently pulled away from Harley’s mouth, his hands having navigated their way around to grasp her rear. 

Harley purred, her hands gliding down his chest. “Mm...I will definitely be taking you back to the cave for some ravaging tonight.” 

“My queen, I submit to your warrior lusts,” he whispered, smiling at her, a twinkle of mischief in his eyes. 

When he moved, it was so quickly that no one had time to react. Joker let Harley go, pulled a gun from inside his jacket, and shot the man with the scar, first in one eye, then the other in such quick succession that no one realize what had happened, not even the man whom he had shot as the scar man stood on his feet for a few seconds, somehow looking confused by what had just happened even with his lack of eyes, before he fell to the floor, dead. 

Joker grinned, a laugh in his voice. “Stare at someone’s girl like that, you might end up getting your eyes poked out.” 

From behind Joker and Harley, Archie groaned loudly. “I stared at her and you didn’t shoot me.” 

Joker turned to Archie. “You weren’t staring Archie dear, you were just trying to get me to shoot you, which is completely different.” Joker winked at Archie. “You, my darling, are just too much fun to shoot anyways!” 

Archie made a face at Joker who simply laughed. 

Joker turned and motioned at Bane with the hand holding the gun. “Continue darling, let’s hear this plan.” He slipped the gun back into it’s holster under his arm and winked at Harley who giggled with delight. 

The rest of Bane’s men quickly moved away from their dead (and still twitching) comrade as if being shot in the eye was contagious (which it just might be Bane thought), before turning their attention to Bane. 

Bane nodded and continued as if nothing had happened. “Well, the gold, according to Penguin, comes from a sunken galley that sunk hundreds of years ago off the Spanish coast. Maxi, with the help of his Saudi oil baron, paid Black Manta to recover the gold and ship it here. The gold is coming on a fishing ship, but not a small vessel; it is one of those crab ships like they use in the Bering Sea. The ship will be waiting out in Gotham Harbor waiting to dock. We are going to be taking a handful of boats out there to meet her and either take the gold, or sink the ship and recover the gold later. Either way, the goal is for Maxi Zeus to never see a cent.” 

“Oooh, I should have had you dress as a pirate!” Joker chuckled, bumping Harley’s hip with his own. “I just realized that’s one of my kinks!” 

Harley grinned at him. “I’m a warrior queen puddin, I’ve taken down ships!” 

Joker squealed, batting his eyelashes at her. “Oooh, take me down please, great warrior queen.” 

“I shall, my little thrall boy,” Harley growled reaching out to stroke his jaw playfully to which Joker swooned. 

Bane kept his groan silent. He could see keeping them on track tonight was going to be a challenge all its own. “Penguin says Black Manta will be with the shipment and he is not an enemy to be taken lightly. I think the best course of action would be for me to handle Manta while you go for the gold.” 

Joker grinned. “Black Manta? Like, he’s a black blanket?” 

“No…” Bane frowned behind his mask, though technically Joker was correct--manta could be translated from Spanish to mean blanket. 

Joker snickered, biting his bottom lip with mirth as he looked at Harley. “Black Manta is a wet blanket…” 

Harley giggled. “Oh no…” 

“I think I’m going to have to tell him.” Joker nodded. “Oh yeah, I’m going to have to tell him.” 

Bane decided to ignore the joke and continue. “Well, we have some boats waiting for us, we’ll have to row, no motors,” Bane said with a nod. 

Joker laughed, throwing his hand in the air. “Bob! Archie! To the boats!” 

* 

Black Manta was down below decks on the fishing ship, sitting at the table across from the captain of the ship sharing a drink. The job had been one of the easier ones he had done. Simply locate the treasure, get it out of the water without the authorities taking notice, and accompany the gold to Gotham where he would hand it off. He was being paid generously for his work. 

Black Manta had thought briefly about taking the gold for himself, but he was a practical man. You break enough contracts, then one day no one would hire you, so he balanced the pleasure of a quick financial gain against more money with continued work and simply chose the smarter of the two options. Decision theory at its finest. 

Besides, if he became known as unreliable among the criminal underground, things could easily become bad for him. He wasn’t interested in fighting off a slew of pissed off employers when he could simply sit here, share a drink of surprisingly good bourbon, and get paid. 

It never paid to make more enemies than one could easily handle. 

And so he and the captain were sharing a drink telling stories of their scars and waiting until they could dock. 

* 

Joker stood at the front of the boat, one foot on the bow of the ship, and one hand grasping the lapel of his coat as he posed, trying to do his best George Washington impression. Harley giggled watching him as Bob and Frost rowed their group across the dark, inky black waters of Gotham Harbor. 

Not too far away in another boat, Bane sat with his remaining men. No one had any lights on their boats, which made rowing in these dark waters treacherous, but there were lights on the ship that was their goal, guiding them to her. 

Bane could just barely make out Joker’s shadow, but he could see what the clown was doing. Bane shook his head and sighed. At least their group was being quiet. 

* 

Black Manta laughed as the captain told the tale of a prostitute he had met while as a young man in the military several decades ago. Apparently this young woman had a talent that involved coins and her vagina that sounded very interesting--if totally implausible--when he thought he heard something. 

Whatever the sound had been, it had been light. Manta wasn’t even sure he had actually heard something, but years of living in and out of the water had taught Manta to pick up on sound and that sounded like the very light knock of a something against the ship, perhaps a boat. There was a faint echo and vibration through the metal that he was sure he felt in his bones. He ignored it at first. They were waiting out in the harbor, all sorts of things could bump into the ship, but when he thought he heard the sound of a splash, all the hairs on the back of his neck came up. He glanced over at the captain, but the man didn’t react, had not noticed anything at all. 

Manta stood up. The dark skinned man was tall enough that he had to bend slightly so as not to hit his head against the roof of the cabin. He grabbed up his unusual looking helmet (the helmet, like the rest of what he wore, was black, but with a strange almost shellfish shape to the helmet with a wide, red visor) which had been sitting on the table next to him. The captain of the ship, a man named Rowery, frowned, looking confused as Manta headed for the stairs. “Something up?” 

“I thought I heard something,” Manta said as he started to take the stairs. “Probably nothing, but I’m going to go check.” 

The captain frowned and shrugged. “Suit yourself. I say never do more than what you’re paid for.” 

Manta muttered back. “Not a bad policy to live by.” 

* 

In the waters below, Joker giggled quietly as their boat gently bobbed in the water, bumping up against the larger ship with a light bump that was barely heard over the sounds of the water. 

“I think our barbarian queen should go first,” he said holding onto the rope that hung off the ship. He had given it a few good tugs to make sure the rope was sturdy and wouldn’t suddenly come loose before he motioned Harley forward. 

Harley, now with her bat strapped securely to her back like a sword, smirked at her lover. 

“That doesn’t have anything to do with wanting to look up my skirt does it?” she asked with a grin. 

Joker gasped and put his hand to his chest in mock distress and insult. “Oh my queen, I would never offend you by looking up your skirt…” He added in a loud stage whisper. “...unless that would mean punishments later?” He waggled his eyebrows at her. 

Harley walked over and grabbed the rope as she whispered in a seductive voice, her lips pulled into a smirk. “You will be punished later.” 

Joker licked his lips watching Harley climb the rope. “Oh goodie.” 

Joker watched her ass as Harley shimmied up the rope and climbed aboard, then quickly grabbed the rope to follow after her, but as he was climbing Joker heard a muffled noise. He reached the rail quickly and pulled himself over onto the deck just as he saw Harley burying her spiked bat into the face of a man lying on the deck; unconscious or already dead, Joker wasn’t sure, but the man’s face had been ripped into by the spikes on Harley’s bat leaving horrible, bloody gouges behind. Just as Joker stepped closer, Harley, who was standing over the body, brought her bat down in an overhead swing and smashed the unmoving man’s face in, hitting the prone form a few more times until there was nothing recognizable of the man’s former face. 

Moving out of the way for the rest of their gang to climb aboard, Joker swooned once more as his girl, now covered with a little spray of blood turned to grin at him. 

“Sorry puddin. Guard.” She pointed at the dead man with her bat. 

“Damn Harley…” He reached down and adjusted himself as his erection swelled. “You’re killing me…” 

Harley giggled turning to face him, propping her dangerous bat on her shoulder as she cocked her hip. There were a few droplets of blood on her cheek as she grinned, showing all her teeth. 

“It’s not Harley tonight, it’s Queen Harley of the savage wasteland of Gotham.” 

Joker groaned softly and adjusted himself again as he hissed with pleasure. “Queen Harley it is…” 

Behind him Frost groaned silently, glancing at Bob who only gave him a shrug and a smile. 

Archie grinned from where he stood between Bob and Frost, looking up at the two men eagerly. “Think those two being horny might get the rest of us killed?” he asked hopefully. 

Frost just glared down at the short clown who smiled back nonplussed. 

“Shut up Archie. If you’re in such a hurry to die, throw yourself overboard,” Frost muttered. 

Archie shrugged. “Tried drowning once, I’m too good of a swimmer.” 

Frost rolled his eyes before motioning at Bob and the others. “Come on.” 

* 

On the other side of the ship, Bane and his men scurried quietly aboard. Bane could move silently when he wanted despite his huge size. Once they were on board, Bane found one of the ship’s guards standing with his back to them, leaning sideways against the railing, looking out over the dark water. Bane quickly took care of the man, snapping the guard’s neck while holding a hand over his mouth, all done with very little noise. Bane knew that there should be a total of fours guards on deck if Penguin’s information was to be trusted, which meant there should be three more. Joker and his group should probably have taken care of at least one already, maybe more. 

Bane concealed the body behind some crab cages and hurried on. The gold was below and that was where he assumed Manta would be. He just needed to make sure the deck was secure first. Bane hoped they could secure the deck quickly because he planned on keeping Manta below decks in a tighter space which would prevent the other man from using his laser eye cannon, or at least Bane hoped it would. He was strong, made even stronger by the drug he used, but he didn’t think that would make him invincible to laser blasts. 

With that thought in mind, Bane moved quickly and quietly to get the deck secured. 

* 

Joker watched with rapt appreciation as Harley once more went to work with her bat. They saw another guard before he saw them. With a wicked grin, Harley had rushed forward with a light sing song voice as she said, “Hey mister, I’m lost.” 

The man had turned and instead of firing right away like he should have, he stopped and stared at the beautiful blonde in the leather bikini, never noticing the blood on her or the deadly bat on her shoulder. 

“How did you…” he began, but Harley giggled and swung her weapon, hitting the man hard enough that the spikes on her bat ripped his throat open. The man went over the edge and into the water with a fairly loud splash. 

Joker grinned, leaning his elbow on Frost’s shoulder. “God she’s gorgeous. I could watch her kill people all day.” 

Frost nodded. “She's good boss.” 

“Yeah, she is, my barbarian queen.” Joker sighed like a lovestruck fanboy before taking a breath. “So, where’s the door that goes down in this thing?” 

Bob motioned with his hands, drawing everyone's attention and pointing at a door. 

“Jackpot!!” Joker yelled as he hurried over and grabbed Harley’s hand. “May I lead my Queen to the bowels of this foul beast for her to slay the dragon within?” 

Harley smirked. “You may thrall, and once the beast is slain, I shall take you to my bed.” 

Joker grinned, his blue eyes glowing in the lights of the ship as Bob pulled the door open. 

* 

Bane, who had just killed another guard, heard a splash followed by Joker yelling “Jackpot!” 

“La Mierda!” They had to have found the door to the below decks. He hit the button in the middle of his chest, hidden by his shirt and sent Venom pumping into his veins. The big man growled with both pain and pleasure as the drugs sent his muscles growing and expanding. 

The men watched in horror and fascination as Bane grew before he turned and snarled at them, “Follow me.” 

* 

Joker flung the door open, allowing Harley to descend the stairs first. 

She had just stepped into the dimly lit stairwell that led down a short way when she saw a very tall black man coming up the stairs with a weird helmet held under one arm. Harley recognized the helmet even if she didn’t recognize the man holding it. It was Black Manta. 

They both stared at each other for a split second, but Harley was the one to react first. She dropped her bat (which Joker caught) and jumped up, grabbing for a metal pipe above her; almost simultaneously she swung her legs out, planting both her booted feet against Black Manta’s chest. 

Black Manta was caught by surprise. He didn't recognize the beautiful woman in front of him, only that she was dressed as some sort of barbarian or something, but he did catch a glimpse of the green-haired man behind her--the Joker. He didn’t have time to do anything else before the woman grabbed a pipe over her head for support and kicked him in the chest with both feet. Manta lost his balance and toppled backwards down the stairs. He slammed into the cabin’s bolted down table with a crash that caused the table’s bolted down legs to crack. 

Joker yelled with a laugh. “GET HIM Harls!! That’s my warrior QUEEN!!!” 

Their group ran down the stairs after Manta, Joker giggling with glee the whole time. 

Manta jumped to his feet just as Joker and his people filled the room. His helmet had rolled away from him when he dropped it on the way down the stairs. 

Behind Manta, the captain got to his feet. “What the fuck is going on?” 

Joker laughed as he pranced in place. “Sorry about this...captain I assume...but we’re taking the ship!!” He pulled his gun and shot the captain in the throat. The man gasped, his eyes going wide as he grabbed at his neck. Blood, thick and dark oozed through his fingers. 

Manta lunged for his helmet, but Harley, using her bat like a golf club, hit the oddly shaped helmet across the room. The helmet smacked against the wall and rolled to a stop at Joker’s feet. 

Joker whooped, throwing his hands up in the air. “Hole in one!!” 

He followed this by squeezing the flower on his lapel and letting a stream of bright, neon green acid hit the helmet, melting the side of it. “Oh, look at that. Oops!” 

“I don’t need my helmet to kill the lot of you,” Manta snarled, his hands rolling into large fists. 

Harley giggled and brought up her bat. “Oh, you wanna try?” 

Manta looked her up and down with disgust. “I do not tangle with whores.” 

Harley gasped as her eyebrows shot up. “What did you just call me?” 

“You did not just call my lady wife a whore?!” Joker gasped before he growled. “Hey minions! One of your clowns give old Blanket here a try! He insulted your Queen!” 

“My name is not blanket!!” Mantra roared, which only made Joker and Harley giggle in response. 

“Wet Blanket! The mighty moist villain!” Joker laughed, grabbing one of the clowns with them and shoved him toward Manta. “Go on...whatever your name is. Show Uncle Joker whatcha got.” 

The man who had been shoved towards Manta pulled a knife, but Manta grabbed his attacker by the collar even as the clown tried to stab him, the knife blade snapping off at the hilt as it struck Manta’s suit. 

Black Manta lifted the clown off his feet. The clown kicked and punched, but he might as well have been punching a wall for all the good it did. Manta sneered and smashed his forehead into the man’s face, breaking the smaller man’s nose and orbital bone before he dropped the wounded henchman. 

Joker gasped loudly. “OOoh...that looked painful...Ouch!” 

The other expendable clown shook his head. “I didn’t sign up for this…” 

Joker looked confused. “What did you sign up for then?” 

The man just looked at Joker and Harley for a second before he turned to run back up the stairs, but Harley caught him. “Hey, you don’t get to run out on the fight! That’s rude.” 

Harley swung her bat, catching the clown in the legs, the spikes on her bat ripping through the flesh and cloth at the back of the man’s knees, causing him to pitch forward. Harley followed up by bringing her bat down on the back of the clown’s head, smashing his face into the stairs even as the spikes in her bat embedded into the back of his skull. When she ripped her bat free, blood flew into the air. 

Joker attacked Manta, firing off two quick shots, but the man brought his arms up, the armor of his outfit deflecting the bullets, causing Bob and Frost to duck while one whizzed straight over Archie’s head who yelled loudly. “OH COME ON!!” 

That was the moment Bane chose to come bounding down the stairs. “MANTA!!” 

Manta turned at the shout. Bane could barely fit though the doorway into the already crowded cabin. 

Manta smiled at the large masked fighter. “Now this will be a real fight.” 

“Hey, what am I? Chopped liver? And you just insulted the Queen of the savage wastelands of Gotham!!! No one insults my queen!” Joker yelled. 

Harley took a swing at Manta who leaned back, just avoiding the bloody spikes by an inch before he countered with a swipe at her. Harley twisted out of the way, but with the tight confines, 

Manta’s fist still caught her in the shoulder as he yelled. “Out of my way whore!” 

Harley fell back against the wall with a gasp. 

Bane growled, growing slightly bigger yet. The space was quickly being eaten up by too many people with Bane and Manta being far too large for the small cabin. 

Joker yelled. “NO ONE INSULTS MY QUEEN!!” 

There was something in Joker’s voice that caused everyone to turn toward him. Joker grinned, his eyes dancing with maniacal glee as he held Manta’s helmet in front of him, his other hand buried inside the slightly melted helmet. 

Manta and Bane yelled as one: “NO!!” 

Joker’s grin was crooked as he asked to no one in particular, “What does this button do?” 

Harley yelped just as Frost and Bob threw themselves on top of her. Joker hit whatever button inside the helmet he had found and a bright red beam of light emanated from the helmet to slam into Black Manta’s chest. The big man was thrown into the wall and blasted through the metal bulkhead as the beam of the laser tore a hole into the ship. 

Joker laughed. “OH, I’ve got to get me one of these!” 

* 

An hour later, back at the hideout, Joker and Harley got out of the car. Archie, Frost, and Bob returned home with them. 

Joker stretched his arms over his head. “Well that was a successful job. I had fun, how about you Harls?” 

Harley nodded, handing her bat to Bob who she knew would clean it for her. “Yeah, it was, but…” 

Harley walked over to Joker who lifted a brow at her. She smirked at him. “The Queen has not had everything she wanted this evening thrall.” 

Joker squeaked in surprise as Harley grabbed him around the waist and lifted Joker off his feet. She squatted, adjusting her hold on him before throwing him over her shoulder and standing. 

Frost looked impressed, even Archie blinked in surprise and whispered, “Well damn.” 

Bob only grinned. 

Joker giggled as Harley adjusted him one more time before she turned around. “You thralls are dismissed, I have business to finish with this one,” she said in a deep and commanding voice. 

Joker waved from behind her, upside down. “Night boys!” 

Frost chuckled, shaking his head. “Night Boss, Miss Quinn. Come on guys, who’s up for a game of cards?” 

Archie followed Frost. “I am. You still own me like $100.” 

“Well I keep hoping you’re gonna die and I won’t have to pay it,” Frost said as the three men walked off. 

Harley grinned and headed for the stairs that led to their private rooms, carrying Joker over her shoulder up the stairs. 

* 

Harley carried Joker to their bedroom where she flipped on the light and she set him on his feet again and took a step back. She rested her fists on her hips as she ordered in a commanding voice, “Strip.” 

Joker grinned. “Yes my Queen.” 

Harley watched her husband with her bottom lip caught between her teeth as Joker stripped out of his clothing. He didn’t move at a leisurely place, but he didn’t move quickly either. Harley watched him intently as he removed his shoes, kicking them across the room, followed by removing his tie. He slipped out of the jacket, dropping it to the floor where his pants, shirt, socks, and boxers quickly followed until he was completely naked, and quite clearly aroused. 

Grinning, her eyes raking over him, Harley walked over to him and very lightly ran her fingers over his stomach, then along his chest as she walked around him, stroking his shoulders, along his spine before she came around to face him again. Joker didn’t move, letting Harley caress him--this was as much her night as it was his. 

Harley licked her lips, her gaze dropping down to his erection before she pointed to the bed. “On the bed thrall!” 

Joker smiled saying with a giggle. “I obey!” 

Harley watched him rush over and flop onto the bed before rolling onto his back, his littler Joker at attention. “What else does my queen want?” 

Harley walked over with purpose, at the same time reaching up to detach the leather that covered her shoulders. She climbed onto the bed to straddle his hips. Joker groaned as the leather of her outfit rubbed against his bare skin. Harley grabbed his arms and pulled them over his head, then she used the straps from her shoulder pieces to wrap his wrists together, and tied his joined hands to the headboard. 

Joker’s eyes twinkled. “Oooh, punishments?” 

Harley gave him an impish smile. Joker saw there were still drops of dried blood on her face and cleavage and the heart and diamond symbols under her eyes were slightly smudged, but she looked gorgeous and dangerous, he thought with a grin. Harley slowly reached around her back and loosened her top; she dropped the leather bikini top to the floor. Joker sucked in a breath as he gazed at her full breasts. Harley ran her hands over her breasts, brushing her fingertips over her nipples with a grin that made his erection throb before she pushed her way down his body. 

“Mm...punishments with pleasure,” she whispered as the leather of her skirt slid against his erection, causing a tingling new sensation that he found he liked. 

Joker groaned again, pulling on the restraints. “Ooh, yes my queen…” 

Harley laid between his legs and very slowly dragged her tongue along his length. Joker moaned in response, arching his back just a little. She kissed her way down his erection to his balls and dragged her tongue along them before gently sucking on them. The feeling of her sucking on his balls caused Joker’s eyes to cross slightly. 

She worked her way back up his erection, alternating between dragging her tongue against the smooth, pale flesh and lightly nibbling at him until she reached the head of his shaft. Wrapping her hand around him, the leather of her vambraces pressed against his hip, Harley lightly pressed her teeth against the tender skin at the head of his erection. 

Groaning, Joker pressed his head back into the pillows while Harley rolled her tongue around the head of his erection. The feel of her tongue was beyond description, soft, wet, yet firm as she explored every inch of him. Goosebumps raced over his skin as he shuddered with pleasure. 

Harley enjoyed the smooth and warm velvet feel of his shaft, the head of which was so soft against her tongue and lips; she loved the contrast to him being hard, yet with such soft skin at the same time. She licked the velvet head, dragging her tongue along the small slit, tasting his excitement. She purred, nibbling along the side of his shaft before lowering her mouth down on him, slowly taking him into her mouth, sucking deeply once he was fully in her mouth. 

Joker groaned loudly and raised his head to look down at her. Harley’s blonde head bobbed slowly, her lips pressing against him and making him shudder with delight. She continued to bob her head up and down, taking him deep into her mouth. Her lips pressed against him while her tongue slipped and slid back and forth against the underside of his erection, coating him in saliva while she sucked on him. She reached up with one hand, sliding her finger fingers along his stomach while she deep-throated him, making her lover groan even louder. 

Just when Joker thought he couldn’t take any more of her sucking on him, Harley sat up. She rose to her feet, which caused the bed to shift and shake. He watched with a wide grin as she reached under her leather skirt and slipped off her panties, then kicked them off the bed. She did, however, leave her skirt, vambraces, and boots on. His eyes widened slightly pleasure at her decision. 

Harley stepped over him, the bed creaking as she stopped to stand over his erection, her hands on her hips, looking like a warrior goddess in her skirt and boots. Joker giggled with excitement. 

“I've come to claim my throne,” Harley whispered, her eyes bright. “The wastelands of Gotham are mine and the clown prince of crime belongs to me--my thrall.” 

Joker giggled. “I’m your throne?” 

Harley nodded, causing Joker to squirm with anticipation. “Oh yes my Queen!” 

She surprised him by moving up toward his face so she was standing over him, a smirk on her lips. “Ready to crown me puddin?” 

Giggling, his eyes bright, Joker nodded, his voice becoming husky. “Oh yes my Queen.” 

Harley lowered herself down to her knees over him. Joker groaned, licking her the moment she was close enough. She leaned one hand against the wall behind the bed, while her other hand reached down and weaved her fingers into his green hair at the same time she felt his tongue against her, causing ripples of pleasure. His tongue was warm and wet, exploring, seeking his way against her, curling against all the spots that made her shudder. 

Joker opened his mouth wide to run his tongue over her, his arms yanking against the ties that held them over his head as he struggled, pressing his mouth against her. He wanted all of her, he loved the taste of her, the feel of her thighs against his cheeks, the leather of her boots rubbing against his skin, her fingers pulling at his hair as she held him in place. He moaned against her, sliding his tongue inside her, then, as she moved, his tongue moved with her; experience with his wife let him find her clitoris without the use of his hands or fingers, using only his tongue. He knew her body well and loved every inch of her. 

Joker sucked on her, shuddering each time Harley gasped or groaned, her thighs tightening around him. He moaned against her as he licked and sucked, probing with his tongue inside her and against her clitoris. 

The vibration of his groaning rolled through her, prompting Harley to rock her hips against his open mouth, her thighs pressing just a little more firmly against his cheeks while she made little gasps and groans of pleasure that made his erection throb. 

He grinned while he pleasured his wife, never happier than he was at this moment. 

Arching her back and rolling herself against his tongue and lips, Harley dug her fingers into his hair, climaxing with a loud cry that arched her entire body. Joker chuckled with pleasure, lapping up her excitement. 

When she stood up abruptly, Joker looked disappointed, sticking his bottom lip out even as his mouth and chin glistened with Harley’s pleasure. He started to say something about her coming back, that he wasn’t done since she had only orgasmed once, and a queen she should have several, but his breath and words were quickly sucked out of him when Harley lowered herself down on his erection. She was so warm, and so very wet that he gasped loudly when his erection slid inside her, jerking his arms against the leather that tied them to the bed. 

The combination of feeling her soft skin mixed with the leather from her skirt and boots caused him to shudder, sucking in his bottom lip and groaning. She pressed her hands down on his chest, her fingernails digging into his skin a little as she began to rock against Joker, sending ripples of pleasure through him that caused him to clench his jaw. 

Harley felt both powerful and in command--not that she never felt that way when they had sex, she did, lots of times--but right now, dressed liked this with Joker tied up, she did feel like a queen having her way with her man. She ground herself down on him, groaning as his erection seemed to go deeper, finding pleasure that made her quake in ways she had never felt before. She weaved her pelvis in an undulating back and forth, neithr going slowly nor gently. She took from him what she wanted, squeezing her thighs against him, forcing Joker to follow her lead. 

When Harley came again, it was like being hit by a bus. She cried out, her body going tight, her fingers grasped his shoulders as if she needed to hold on or be swept away. She heard Joker cry out with her, a deep groan that sounded as if his orgasm had been ripped from him in a mix of pleasure and pain. They cried out together and Harley continued to grind and thrust until she collapsed against him, her body feeling like jelly. 

They were both quiet, the only sound was their shared panting and the thumping of their rapidly beating hearts. Slowly their hearts calmed and their breathing returned to normal. 

Joker groaned, followed by a giggle as he yanked against the leather tied around his wrists. “That was a wild ride, sweets. I want to go again.” 

“Well you’re gonna have to wait at least half an hour to ride again.” She giggled and kissed the side of his throat, then his chin, and finally his mouth whispering. “But the Queen will make sure you’re ready to be ridden again.” 

Joker made a soft moan as they kissed in response to her promise. When Harley pulled away, smiling at him, her fingers caressing his cheek, Joker murmured. “I really like you in leather.” 

“See why I want you to keep the gloves on sometimes?” Harley asked, to which Joker nodded. “Yeah, it’s kinky as hell!!” 

Harley giggled, reaching up to pull the ties that held his hands free before she snuggled against him, not in any hurry to separate from him. 

Joker wrapped his arms around her and held her close, grinning as he whispered dreamily. 

“I’ll be dead by the end of the week. It’s going to be the best death ever.” 

Harley laughed kissing his chest. “So what’s the costume for tomorrow?” 

“Oh just another kink that’s going to kill me,” Joker laughed in response.


	3. The Train

Two nights later, Frost was sitting downstairs in the hideout looking over the plans for the night on his phone. They were working with Mr. Freeze tonight, basically doing an old fashion train robbery. The shipment coming in on the freight train into Gotham was not just gold, but gold bars that Maxie was going to use to decorate his casino, along with some expensive and priceless artwork that Penguin was sure had been given to Maxie by that Saudi oil baron who was backing Maxie’s casino. 

So far Maxie had made no mention of the stolen gold from the sunken wreck that they had taken from Black Manta. There were whispers in the criminal underground, but no one was coming out and saying anything substantial and no one was pointing fingers at Penguin, the Boss, or anyone else. There had been no mention of the explosion, gold, or shipwrecks in the local news. Frost didn’t find the lack of gold talk unsettling, but the fact that no one was acknowledging the blast in the harbor was a bit strange. 

The Boss had become quite excited when he learned that they were going to be robbing a train and had declared very loudly that he knew what Harley’s next kink costume was going to be. That only made Frost cringe as he tried to think what on earth the costume the Boss chose would be. He wanted to be mentally prepared. 

The Boss and Bob had closed themselves up in Bob’s room extremely early this morning (Frost doubted the Boss had gotten much sleep) and there had been laughter coming from the room for hours before the Boss, grinning ear to ear, had wandered out of Bob’s room and headed up stairs to get some sleep before tonight’s events. 

Frost had a feeling that whatever costume Miss Quinn was wearing tonight, it was going to be distracting in the extreme. 

* 

Bob had dropped off Harley’s costume and one for Joker less than an hour ago. Harley was in the bathroom changing while Joker changed into his own costume, each of them going to surprise the other. His outfit wasn’t for a kink (though Harley had squealed when she found out what they would be wearing and had declared that his costume aligned with one of her own kinks for him), but they were robbing a train tonight! How could he not dress up for the occasion! 

Joker looked at himself in the mirror in their bedroom. He wore a double breasted western-style shirt in dark purple with bright silver buttons running down each side. He had on a pair of matching dark purple jeans with black chaps over them, a wide western-style belt with a silver belt buckle in the form of a broad, smiling mouth, gun holsters on his hips and, to top the look off, a dark purple, wide brim western-style fedora. 

He grinned at himself in the mirror, adjusting the dark purple leather fingerless gloves on his hands, pleased with how he looked, when he heard the door to the bathroom open. He spun around to see Harley walk out and he sucked in a deep, startled breath at the sight of her. 

Harley came out wearing a red bikini, the top of which had fringe hanging from it, a pair of black leather chaps, black cowboy boots with silver spurs attached, red leather gun holsters on her hips, and a red cowboy hat. Her hair was worn in two low hanging ponytails that draped over her shoulders. Harley had the guns out as she walked into the middle of the room, making a soft jingling sound as she moved and cocked her hip before she blew on the end of a pistol while chewing her bubble gum. The only thing that would have been better was if she was naked and wearing nothing but the chaps and guns, Joker decided with a little chuckle. 

Harley blew a bubble and popped it before she grinned at him. “Howdy ya’ll.” 

Joker grinned, licking his lips. “Ooh my…” 

Harley giggled and spun around. “You like it?” 

His eyes widened at the sight of her ass, just barely covered by the bikini bottom as she did another graceful spin. He licked his lips again wondering briefly if going out with her like this was really a good idea. Everyone was going to stare. How could they not? She was gorgeous! He shrugged. Well if he had to kill a few people tonight it would be worth it! Fatal lessons for everyone! 

“Oh, oh yes, I like it! Best one yet!” Joker clapped his hands before he spun around. “Like mine?” Joker posed, hooking a thumb through his belt and reached up to brush his fingers along the brim of his hat. 

“How’s it going pretty lady?” he said with a drawl that he kicked up a notch until the drawl was a parody. 

Harley let her eyes rake over him slowly, taking in the way the gun holsters hung on his narrow hips, the way the jeans cupped his groin. The man could look good in anything he put on, from an Arkham Asylum jumpsuit to a three-piece tailored suit. Everything looked good on him, she thought with a smile. 

“You look good enough to eat puddin...though…” She pointed her gun at him. “...this isn’t counting as one of my kinks for my kink week, this is just a bonus since you dressed up on your own, agreed?” She lifted a blonde brow at him, her gun negligently pointed at his chest. 

Joker wrinkled his nose with a grin. “Of course, but I had to dress up too sweets! A train! We’re robbing a train!! You should see what Bob and Archie are wearing!!” He clapped his hands together, wiggling with excitement. “I’ve always wanted to play a cowboy robbing a train! It would be even better if we could drive it off a cliff, but sadly Gotham is lacking in cliffs.” He sighed dramatically though his eyes brightened. “Maybe we can just blow it up for shits and giggles to make this entire venture more dramatic!” He put his hands out and spread them like he was reading from a billboard. 

Harley giggled walking closer and sliding into his arms. “It’s too bad we can’t have horses too.” 

Joker pulled her close, letting the sweet smell of her skin and hair envelop him. “Yeah, but I think Batman might notice us chasing a train on horseback, though can you imagine the look on his face! Ha!!” Joker laughed, his hands sliding down to cup her rear. “It would be worth it for that alone! OH and then the headlines...” He frowned. “I wonder where we could get horses on such short notice…” 

Harley draped her arms over his shoulders with a laugh. “Yeah, that would be funny puddin, but no horses.” She tilted her head in thought as she said softly. “You think Batman has a bat-horse? I mean he seems to be prepared for anything, maybe he does have a horse?” 

Joker snorted and kissed the tip of her nose. “Of course he does! I bet the beast even has its own mask!” 

They both laughed just as there was a knock at the door followed by Frost’s voice. “Boss, Miss Quinn--we’re ready to go.” 

“Harley wait!! I just thought of something else we need to add!” Joker hurried over to the nightstand, turning around to show his wife what he had in mind. Harley squealed, clapping her hands. 

“Oh that’s perfect puddin!!” She nodded with a laugh. 

* 

Frost and the others were waiting outside when the Boss and Miss Quinn arrived. Frost blinked in shock at Miss Quinn’s bikini and chaps outfit, but the part of both their outfits that really stood out were the large, fake, handlebar mustaches they both had stuck over their top lips. 

“Let the Rodeo begin!!” Joker yelled, adding a “YeeHaw!” for good measure. 

Bob, who was standing beside Frost, looked at the two of them and shook his head with disappointment. 

Joker frowned at Bob. “The mustaches too much?” 

Harley pouted. “But I thought it was always a good time to have a fake mustache.” 

Joker pointed at Bob’s disappointed expression. “Well apparently not, my good lady wife...We’ve disappointed Bob.” Joker sighed pulling off his mustache, Harley following suit. Bob held his large beefy hand out for them. Joker and Harley both deposited their fake facial hair into the big man’s hand where they quickly disappeared. 

Joker sighed. “Well, I thought they were funny.” 

“Me too puddin.” Harley giggled taking Joker’s hand as he walked toward the van. “All right buckaroos, let’s get this show on the road!” 

* 

Frost drove the Boss and Harley to an abandoned train station that had been built around 1844. When the station had been built it was a marvel of engineering and art, but then the structure had been redone in the 1920's reflecting the Art Deco style in all its decorative glory. Now the station was a sad reminder of the march of progress. The overhead stained glass was grimy and dark, the marble stone flooring was chipped and cracked, the place was filled with trash, and there was evidence of an abandoned homeless camp. 

The train that they were going to rob was supposed to stop in the abandoned station, which was why they were all here. They were hiding out in one of the abandoned tunnels, but if this was the place where the train was supposed to drop off its goods, there was strangely no one in sight, no waiting guards, no waiting workers--nothing. The place was completely abandoned, which made Joker wonder briefly if Penguin was messing with them, but he quickly decided that wasn’t the care. Penguin didn’t joke when it came to money and the man’s information had never been wrong. But it was still weird, as there seemed to be no one here. 

Mr. Freeze, looking like a robot from some 1950’s serial, stood to one side, the pale glow from his helmet providing most of the light as they waited down one of the abandoned tunnels. 

Joker was watching the man with a narrow eyed gaze. Freeze had made no comment on either of their outfits. Freeze’s two men--the only two he brought with him--were quiet as well. 

It was like working with a bunch of ice cubes. 

The silence was driving Joker nuts. 

Joker pulled out a tin of tobacco and some wrapping paper and started to roll a cigarette (staying in character with his Western wear.) He slid the cigarette between his lips and flicked open a matchbox and lit the match, holding it to his cigarette as he said with a grin, 

“So, is it Cold Miser? Deep Freeze? Captain Cold? Icicle?!” Joker asked with a grin, knowing perfectly well that the man’s name was Mr. Freeze. “Winter Warlock maybe?” 

Harley giggled and whispered. “Killer Frost, Sub-Zero, Minister Blizzard, Jack Frost…” She put her hands up and wiggled her fingers. “The Snowman?” 

“Oh I have one! Queen Elsa!” Joker laughed. “Mr. Nipplie!” 

Harley snickered. “The Ice King also known as Cold as a Witch’s Tit!!” 

Joker gasped, grabbing Harley’s hands as his eyes widened and he squealed. “The Night King!” 

“YES!!” They both yelled together and hopped around in a circle pleased with themselves. 

Joker turned around, all bright eyes and asked excitedly. “Are you going to turn us into your undead minions, because Harley and I don’t do the minion thing…” He smirked. “We’re headliners!” 

Mr. Freeze glanced over at them (at least they assumed he did, though it was hard to tell with the weird ruby lensed goggles he had on.) “The name is Mr. Freeze and no: I do not have the power to turn you into an undead anything.” 

Joker glanced at Harley and whispered. “I’m disappointed.” 

“Me too puddin.” Harley pouted. 

Freeze glanced over at them, giving both their outfits a slow once over, but it was clear his question was directed at Harley. “That outfit really isn’t appropriate.” 

Harley made a face at him. “I’m a cowgirl buddy.” 

“In a pornographic movie perhaps…” Freeze muttered to which Joker, sounding defensive muttered. “If it was, my Harley would be in the best porno starring me.” He chuckled. “Oh we shoud make a sex tape!” He turned to grin at Harley as the idea took hold. 

Frost paled when the Boss mentioned making a sex tape. 

Please no, he wished silently. 

Freeze was about to respond when they all heard the sound of a train approaching. 

Joker brightened as they all edged to the end of the tunnel they were hiding in to watch the train slowly ease to a stop in front of the decrepit station. 

* 

The engineer, a man named Lester Kutz, had been working for men in the criminal underground for years, Maxie Zeus being only one in a long line. He hired out himself and his train out to the highest bidder. (His was not a super modern train, Lester’s train still had some of that old West quality about it. It was his baby and making illegal hauls kept him and his train in working order. Sometimes a man’s hobbies made him do less than honorable things to maintain them.) He’d hauled everything from money, drugs, guns, and even human cargo--all of it illegal. Zeus’s cargo was one of the first ones in which what he was carrying was actually legal. He knew about the casino and Lester also knew that the millions of dollars of gold bars he was carrying, along with the artwork, was all going to be decorating the casino. He figured Zeus was having the gold brought in like any other of his illegal cargo to throw someone off the scent, he just didn’t know why, and he wasn’t paid to know why either. 

Lester shook his head in disbelief. Gold that wasn’t going to be spent, but used to just look at. Now that was some decadence if he ever saw it. Which explained why the man was paying him so well for this late night drive and why his train had as many guards as it did. Usually the men Kutz worked for put a few hired guns on the train that usually consisted in from two to four men (gangsters and other bad guys were a notoriously cheap lot with an almost religious belief that guns solved the lack of guards on any shipment), but Zeus had outfit the train with several guards, two in the caboose, six within the train--three of those on the gold, the other three resting, then they would rotate--and another two guys were in the car just behind Kutz. 

He pulled the train into the station where they were stopped for a short time to make sure he wasn’t going to appear on any records, before he drove the train through Gotham and outside the city lines. Granted, his cargo wasn’t technically illegal, but that didn’t negate his criminal record. Better to treat this shipment like he would any other illegal exchange than make a mistake and get thrown in prison. 

No one ever accused Kutz of not being careful. 

* 

As the train rolled to a stop, Joker and the rest of them swarmed quickly from the tunnel in which they had been hiding and headed to the back of the train. Joker was both delighted and confused that the large freight train had a caboose, something modern trains of any kind didn’t employ nearly as much as they once did. 

Freeze’s voice was low as he hissed, “Now, get on and secure the train.” 

Joker chuckled. “And have fun doing it!” 

Freeze gave the clown an indescribable look. 

Silently the group of nine people hurried toward the train. 

* 

Just outside the abandoned station, Archie, dressed as a rodeo clown, sat behind the wheel of a typical black van, the type of van seen so often in horror and action movies that the stink of suspicion that usually hovered over these types of vehicles was lost. Now everyone thought if you drove a sex offender van you were doing it ironically. 

Archie sat tapping his fingers against the steering wheel, irritated that he hadn’t gotten to go on this particular job. He had suggested that maybe someone could tie him to the tracks as a way to stop the train, though Joker had burst out laughing and said that Archie was so small that he couldn’t stretch across the tracks and that the train would race right over him without realizing he was there. 

Archie had next suggested throwing himself in front of the train, but Joker had laughed once more and stated that Archie was so small the train wouldn’t notice and that it probably wouldn’t kill him, he would most likely just bounce off. 

Archie grumbled to himself. Knowing the little clown’s luck, Joker had probably been right. 

Next to Archie in the passenger seat sat a clown named Noodles. They were Joker’s getaway crew. The two men were to sit here in the dark under this tree and wait until the others came out with the goods. They weren’t supposed to leave the van and they were to only take off if the cops or Batman spotted them. This job was supposed to be fairly easy, which annoyed Archie because there was zero chance of getting killed. 

Noodles was pressed up against the window, his red mouth hanging open as he snored loudly. Archie pulled his gun and held it out as if he were going to shoot the sleeping clown before he groaned and slipped the weapon back into its holster. 

“You don’t deserve it,” he muttered as he continued to stare out the windshield and wished they would hurry it up. 

* 

Inside the caboose were two of Zeus’s men, Apollo and Aries (their real names were Adam and Ashley, but Zeus insisted on calling them Apollo and Ares and the man was paying them enough that they stopped correcting him.) 

They were both bored as there was nothing to do as they rode in the caboose for the last several hours. They were supposed to have been relieved over an hour ago so they could catch a nap, but of course, no one came. Technically Poseidon, who both men agreed was a cunt, was in charge, but the man couldn’t lead himself out of a paper sack if you asked Aries. Zeus had picked Poseidon to be in charge of this little mission because Poseidon played along with Zeus’s Greek and Roman obsession--not because the cunt knew what he was doing. 

Apollo sighed as the train came to a stop. “I’m going to go get a smoke,” he muttered to which Aries shrugged and said, “Go ahead, I don’t care.” 

It would be nice to stand on the caboose without watching the landscape zip past. Apollo realized not long into this job that he had motion sickness on trains. Lucky him. 

He had just stepped out. The light at the back of the caboose wasn’t very bright, but it was enough that when a gorgeous woman wearing a bikini, leather chaps, and a cowboy hat pulled herself onto the caboose’s end platform, looking like a sex dream come to life, he got a pretty damn good view of her. 

“Hiya cowboy, whatcha up to?” The beautiful blonde smiled at him, cocking her hips. Apollo gaped at her, his eyes traveling down her barely covered figure, but just as he was finding words to speak someone else jumped up beside her. 

“That’s my filly you're gaping at ya Shanny, or do you wanna have a scrap?” The man’s voice had a low southern drawl, which completely confused the man since this was Gotham, but before he could answer the cowboy, who, only now that Apollo was starting to really see him in the caboose’s dim light, had green hair and was wearing a lot of purple for a cowboy. The man in purple pulled his gun. 

“I don’t like Shanny men looking at my filly.” This was followed by a laugh as the man turned to the sexy blonde. “How’s my cowboy talking sweets?” 

“Oh you’re doing perfect Mistah J!” the blonde squealed. 

Apollo’s eyes widened. “You're the Joker!” 

“Bingo!!” Joker shot the man in the middle of his chest and turned and grinned at Harley. “Well my sweet little belle, I done saved your reputation.” 

Harley giggled, throwing herself into Joker’s arms despite the small space. “My hero!” 

The two of them kissed. 

Frost groaned. There went their element of surprise. 

* 

Inside Aries’ head popped up. Had he heard a popping sound? Fireworks or a gunshot? But he couldn’t be sure he had heard anything, his ears felt a little numb from the sound of the train. He stood up and began to walk toward the door leading out. “Hey Apollo--you okay?” 

He could swear he heard voices outside that sounded like they were arguing. Aries pulled his gun and walked closer just as the door was kicked open by a giant of a man in a pink and cow print outfit complete with tutu and little pink cow horns on his bald head. The big man rushed in and was on Aries before the man could lift his weapon up and take a shot. The big man, a smile on his face, grabbed Aries' gun and ripped it from his fingers as if Aries were a child holding something he ought not. 

Next came two people, one dressed as a purple cowboy, the other a sexy young woman in a bikini and chaps, her outfit leaving very little to the imagination. Next followed a man in a suit, another tall man in...a...robot costume? And several miscellaneous people that Aries couldn’t really see, but they faded to the background with the presence of the several more eccentric looking ones in front of him. 

Joker held his gun on the man while keeping an arm around Harley’s waist. “Where’s the gold!” 

Freeze groaned ever so slightly. “We know where the gold is Joker. We need to know how many men are guarding it.” 

Joker narrowed his eyes slightly, but he didn’t look over at Freeze as he motioned with his gun at the man before him. “How many watch the gold, you varmint?” 

Harley smiled. “Let me puddin…” 

She walked over to Aries, swaying her hips as she did. “Now sugar, you wanna tell us what we need to know…” 

Aries frowned at her. “Ah, look...I like guys, so ah, you’re really gorgeous, but …” 

Joker laughed as Harley frowned, turning around and shrugging with her hands out. “Hey Frost, go seduce this guy into telling us what we need to know!” 

Frost gave Joker a dirty look which only made Joker laugh more, but Aries, who had put his hands up looked between them. “Look, I’ll tell you whatever you want to know, just don’t kill me. Maxie Zeus is paying a lot, but dead men don’t spend money.” 

Joker nodded. “I like him. So what’s your name?” 

“Aries,” Aries replied. 

“Okay Aries, how many men does Maxie have on here?” Joker asked, sliding his gun back into its holster. 

“He has six on the gold bars and art working in rotation, three on while three are sleeping. There are two more guards near the engineer and I think that’s it...I mean plus me and Apollo.” Aries didn’t bother to ask about Apollo. He assumed his friend was dead. He wasn’t really heartbroken over it, as he and Apollo weren’t close. 

Joker nodded. “Thanks…” He started to say something else about telling Aries to go since he had found the man funny, when Freeze suddenly pulled out a gun (something really futuristic and glowing.) The gun shot out a stream of ice that slammed into Aries, freezing the man in place and turning him into an ice sculpture while also dropping the temperature in the room by several degrees. 

Harley shivered in her skimpy outfit. Joker put his arm around her and pulled her closer to warm her up as he glared at Freeze. “Hey, he told us what we needed and he was funny! I was going to let him go!” 

Freeze, his expression as cold as the rest of him stated simply. “He could easily have gone to get help if you let him go. The train is stationary. He could have summoned others and been here before we unloaded the treasure. It is better to be safe than foolish.” 

Freeze moved past Joker, heading to the door that led to the next car. “There should be two cars between us and the two that hold the gold bars and artwork. We kill everyone on board, put the call in to Penguin’s men who will come and take the goods. No loose ends.” 

Joker stuck his tongue out and waggled his head in the typical expression of a mocking child. “No loose ends…jerk.” He smiled at Harley as he whispered against her ear, his breath tickling her. 

“I want his gun. Can you imagine what fun we could have with that!” 

Harley smirked, snuggling close as Joker caressed her waist. “We could make our own ice rink!” 

Joker purred. “I wonder how delicate the settings are...imagine the fun we could have with a little cold.” He licked her ear, causing Harley to wiggle and giggle in his arms as he whispered huskily. “Licking your icy nipples sounds fun to me.” He bit her earlobe and tugged lightly. “I want you to leave the chaps on tonight, by the way. Chaps, boots, and nothing else.” 

Harley giggled reaching up to run her fingertip down the bridge of his nose. “I want you in nothing but chaps and that hat.” 

Joker grinned, his blue eyes bright in his pale face. “You got it sweets.” 

Freeze sighed, showing more expression in this moment than he had all night. “Are you two finished?” 

Joker rolled his eyes, took Harley’s hand, and headed to the door. “Come on sweets--let's go kill some people and get away from Mr. Grumpy Ice butt.” 

* 

Joker opened the door from the caboose, looking over to the next car. There was a little jump to the next car where a door waited, but since the train wasn’t moving it wasn’t that big a deal. 

“Ladies first, my dear…” Joker smiled then hissed. “I haven't gotten to see near enough of your ass tonight in this outfit.” 

Harley giggled at him, giving him a kiss on the cheek before she jumped across. Joker, his eyes glued to the wiggling of her ass as she worked the door open and slipped inside, quickly followed her. 

Frost and Bob were next with their two extra henchmen in tow, followed by Freeze and his two men. The small group started to make their way forward to the main freight cars where the gold was stashed. 

* 

In the engine, Kutz looked down at the watch on his wrist. 

It was time to start moving again and as if on cue, his phone rang. He quickly pulled the phone out and pressed it to his ear. 

“Kutz.” 

“Everything is ready,” said a female voice before the call was cut short. Kutz put his phone back in his back pocket and began the process to start the engine. He didn’t bother to check on the guards or tell them the train was leaving. They all knew the routine for tonight, so if someone was stupid enough to jump off or was standing outside when the train started to move, then that was on them. He wasn’t paid to babysit a train load of goons, he was paid to drive this train to another station outside of Gotham where the cargo was going to be picked up. 

And that was all he was going to do. 

* 

The small group of criminals made their way through three empty freight cars. One had a few wooden pallets in it, another held some empty boxes, and the last had nothing at all in it but some trash and a heavy smell of urine, but most importantly none of the cars carried any men. 

When they came to the next car, Harley stopped (she had been leading the charge), looking confused since there was no door available. She saw nothing but an iron ladder attached to the car leading to the roof. 

Harley looked up with a frown. The ladder looked rusty enough she didn’t trust it to hold her weight. 

“Puddin?” Harley asked looking up at the top of the freight car before looking back over her shoulder at her husband. 

Joker lifted his brows and gave her a shrug. “I guess we go up.” 

Freeze pushed his way to the front when their group had stopped moving. “What is...oh…” 

He looked up, narrowing his eyes. “I suppose it makes sense to have freight cars on either end of your treasure--makes it more difficult to get into.” He motioned at the ladder. “We’ll just have to climb onto the roof. There should be an entrance on the top of the freight car with a lid, simply lift the lid and peek in until you find one filled with gold and men.” 

Harley gave Freeze a look. “Yeah--simple.” 

“Want me to go first sweets?” Joker asked with a smile, but Harley shook her head. “Nah, I got it puddin. Just follow me.” 

Joker smiled watching her rear end. “One of the joys in my life…” 

As she started to climb to the top of the freight car Harley was just thankful that the train wasn’t moving. This would be a nightmare if it was! 

She got to the top easily enough, the ladder just as rusty as she feared and brushed her hands off on the sides of her chaps. On top of the next freight car, in the center, she saw what looked like a little roof hatch, just as Freeze had said. Harley jumped across to the next car and made her way quickly over to it, trying to keep her foot falls light and lifted the lid to peer inside. It was dark as pitch within. There could have been someone down there hiding, but she doubted it. 

Joker joined her and whispered. “You know. I think Penguin should have gone with my original plan for this heist, blow the train up and sort out the gold later, the art work…” He shrugged. “...sometimes you have to make sacrifices. This going from car to car is already boring.” 

Joker looked immensely disappointed by the lack of anything interesting or fun happening, though watching Harley’s ass and breasts in her skimpy costume did make up for some of his boredom. 

“I know puddin...and these cars are rusty.” She shuddered and made a face. 

Freeze asked from behind Bob. “Anything?” 

“No.” Harley leaned around Joker to answer. 

“Well then, what are you waiting for?” Freeze asked, perhaps giving her a quizzical look. It was so hard to tell with those weird goggles. 

“Man, he’s like one of my professors from school,” Harley muttered as she jogged across the roof. She stopped at the edge of the roof with a frown as she heard a deep humming sound from far ahead. “Did the engine just start?” 

Joker frowned. “Yeah…” 

“I thought it wasn’t supposed to leave this station?” she asked, looking at Joker, her eyes going wide, but Joker shook his head. “It isn’t sweets. I’m sure there’s a reason, but it’s not supposed to be leaving. No one’s arrived for the gold yet...We need to hurry up though…” Joker gave her a light smack on her rear. “So let’s get going. I wanna get home, this job is way more boring than it should have been.” He then added with a smirk and waggled his eyebrows at her. “Besides, I need to get home, I’ve a filly to break in.” He gave her a playful growl at the end. 

Harley giggled at him and lightly elbowed him in the chest before she flung herself down the ladder, hopped over to the next car and started to climb the next one. 

* 

Harley had just arrived on the roof of the next car, and had taken a few steps forward with Joker close behind her when the train gave a great lurch forward. Harley let out a startled yelp, her arms pinwheeling just before she was thrown off her feet. She slammed against the roof, biting her tongue at the same time and immediately started to slide off the roof as the train began moving, picking up speed quickly. She gasped in a panic for a handhold, but her fingers found nothing as she slid over the side. 

Harley screamed. 

* 

Archie’s eyes widened when he heard the sound of the engine start, the clatter of the freight cars tugging against their couplings, and saw the train begin to pull out of the station. 

“Oh, I don’t think that was supposed to happen…” Archie turned the van on and peeled out of their hiding spot, causing Noodles to fall out of his seat as Archie chased the train. He grinned. A high speed chase with a train was a good way to end up dead too. 

* 

Joker gasped when he saw her fall. Harley rolled away from him and was gone within a heartbeat over the side even as he lunged for her hand. 

“HARLEY!!” Joker yelled in a panic and dived for her, missing her outstretched hand by inches. 

Joker froze, his hand still held out to catch her...Harley was gone...she was gone…in an instant everything in his world had been destroyed. 

Joker didn’t move. His brain felt as if it had finally broken completely. 

But even as the thought that he had lost her refused to take root, the sound of the engine covering everything else Joker heard her cry out. “PUDDIN!! HELP!” 

Joker raced to the edge, heedless of his own safety, Bob and Frost close behind him as he dropped to his stomach, the wind whipping his own hat away as he looked over to see Harley, her hat long gone, her eyes wide with terror, holding onto the side of the freight car, her feet dangling as the ground whipped past below her. 

She looked up, her eyes wide and filled with panic. “Puddin!! Please!!” 

Joker grabbed her right arm with both hands even as Bob, who had laid down besides him, grabbed her other arm. Together they pulled Harley up even as the train chugged along, picking up speed, and heading out of Gotham. 

Once they had Harley back on the roof, she slammed into Joker’s arms. Joker wrapped his arms around her. His fear, which had rocketed into heart pounding panic, immediately calmed as he held her close, pressing his face against her hair. He could feel her shaking; her entire body was trembling as she held onto him. She wasn’t crying, but he could hear the hard thud of her heartbeat and her breath against his throat coming in panicked gulps as she tried to calm herself. 

Harley could feel the quick, rabbit beat of Joker’s heart as she held onto him, neither one giving voice to their fear until the moment had passed. 

Joker’s voice was a barely audible whisper against her ear, but Harley heard him growl. “I’m going to kill the conductor.” 

* 

Freeze watched the two clowns and something in his ice cold heart cracked a little. His opinion on Joker and Harley had been low. He knew from their crimes they were both extremely smart, though they seemed to be ruled by their passions and chaotic, insane behavior, but they loved each other. He could see that now. Harley was more than a sex toy to Joker and Joker was more than someone to latch onto for Harley. Their shared panic at almost being separated reminded him of his own feeling for his wife, Nora, who even now lay frozen, waiting for him to find the cure that would free her from her prison of ice. 

Freeze took a deep breath and let it out slowly, his heart aching at the thought of his wife, and how he felt at their separation. He waited, giving the clowns a moment or two to find relief in each other. They deserved their moment. 

* 

Joker held Harley out at arm's length. “Are you all right?” he asked, his voice serious as he gazed into her eyes. 

Harley nodded. “Yes, a few scrapes…” She looked down and Joker looked as well. She had a scrape on the side of her stomach and a few on her arms and hands, but otherwise she looked whole and intact. “...but I’m fine. I'm ready to do this,” she said with determination. 

Joker grinned, his eyes shining with pride. “That’s my girl.” 

He yanked her close and kissed her. 

Frost called out, the wind whipping his words away as the train accelerated. It was probably moving over fifty miles per hour already, he figured, and increasing its speed. “We need to get moving Boss.” 

Joker gazed at Harley one more time with her giving him a nod and a determined look before he acknowledged Frost with a nod and turned his attention to Freeze. “I thought the train wasn’t going to be moving?” 

Freeze looked grim. “I thought the same clown.” Freeze looked ahead toward the engine. “I’m assuming we will be leaving Gotham to make the drop off. Zeus must be worried about exactly what we are doing and wanted to try to throw robbers off the scent, I must surmise.” 

Joker groaned as he held on tight to Harley. “I hate leaving Gotham.” 

Harley, who had her face pressed against Joker’s chest chuckled a little which made him smile. If she was laughing, she was definitely all right. 

He sighed. “Well let’s stop this fucking train before we end up outside of Gotham and I spontaneously combust or something equal funny!” 

Harley giggled against his chest again, making Joker smile. He felt more confident already. 

* 

They made their way to the next car, checking the view from the roof and finding the car empty before moving onto the next… 

* 

The three people on guard duty, having just relieved their pals (their Zeus given names were Pallas, real name Paul, Aeolus, real name Andy, and Chronos real name Carlos) at the stop, were named by Maxie Zeus as Hermes (real name Henry), Dionysus (real name Donny), and Hestia (Harriet). 

Hestia was leaning against the wall, smoking a cigarette, her AK-47 dangling loosely from its strap over her shoulder as she watched a movie on her phone. Dionysus was sitting cross-legged on the floor like a kid, building some sort of castle with the gold bricks while Hermes sat on a throne of gold bricks and leafed through an old nudie magazine he had borrowed off of Chronos. This job had been easy, too easy, and they were all bored. So far, the job was just sitting with the gold and art, but it was easy money, so Hestia tried not to complain. 

Hermes looked up from his magazine shooting a glance at one of the paintings which showed a naked woman in a shell with long blonde hair. Her tits were pretty good, but she had her hair hiding her cooch, which he found disappointing. He liked the pictures that showed everything. Hermes turned back to his magazine when Hestia frowned looking up. “Did you hear something?” 

Dionysus frowned. “Just the engine. Why?” 

Hestia frowned, but she didn’t hear it again whatever it was she had thought she had heard. “I don’t know, it sounded like footsteps on the roof.” 

Hermes snorted. “You smoke funny cigarettes?” he asked. 

Hestia gave him a dirty look. “No, it just sounded for a minute like footsteps is all.” 

“Everything sounds weird,” Dionysus muttered. “I don’t like riding in a train car.” 

“It’s better if you get to ride in a real train car with like actual seats and shit instead of hanging out in a freight car,” Hermes muttered, flipping through his magazine. 

“How the fuck would you know?” Hestia asked, looking completely unconvinced that he knew what he was talking about. 

“I rode in one of those nice trains once, when my brother got married,” Hermes explained. “He paid for a lot of us to take a train...had something to do with the theme of their wedding…” Hermes shrugged. “But it was pretty cool. Better than this,” he added looking around. Hestria still didn’t look like she believed him, but Hermes didn’t care as he flipped through his magazine. 

* 

Harley gently opened the hatch and looked inside. She frowned, keeping the hatch lifted just enough that she could peer in. There was light this time and she could see the gold, many bars of it glittering in the light, piled all around the freight car along with several marble sculptures and a handful of paintings. She grinned as she quickly counted three people, just like Ares had said, and all three of them were armed: a woman with an AK 47, the other two with pistols. She gently eased the hatch back down to make her report. 

“We easily outnumber them, but only if we could enter all at once,” she said sitting back on her haunches as the wind ripped at her hair. “But I can’t see how we can charge in from up here. It’s gonna have to be one at a time.” 

Freeze frowned in thought. “I could aim my ice gun down through the latch…” 

Joker shook his head. “You might get them if they are huddled together, though that would be a fun distraction!” 

Harley chuckled, but added. “They aren’t all that close to one another. One is over on this end…” Harley pointed to the right down the way they had just come. “There is one in the middle, but he is off to the side of the opening and the last one is sitting at the far end reading a magazine. You might get the one in the middle, but the one on her phone has an AK-47.” 

Joker sucked on his teeth in thought. They could send Bob down, but as he looked at the opening and Bob, he didn’t think the big man could fit. For some reason, this hatch was smaller than those on the other cars. Joker didn’t think Freeze was going to fit either with that crazy getup he was wearing. Frost could, the other henchmen, and of course he and Harley would fit. 

He rubbed his fingers over his lips as he thought. “Harley, how would you feel about some sexy distraction?” 

Harley’s eyes and smile widened with glee. 

* 

Hermes sighed and dropped the magazine down next to him where he sat on his throne of very uncomfortable gold. His ass had gone numb. 

Standing up, Hermes arched his back, stretching, the vertebrae making loud cracking noises when he noticed that the small hatch up above opened. He pulled his weapon out, frowning in confusion as the face of a pretty young woman appeared above him. She waved enthusiastically looking slightly scared and confused herself. 

“Hey!” 

Dionysus and Hestia all dropped what they were doing to hurry over, their guns out looking up at the pretty blonde. 

She smiled at them. “Ah...okay, I know this is going to sound crazy, but ah...I’ve been stuck up here for a while and I’m getting wind burned. Can I come in?” 

Hermes looked over at the other two who looked back at him for guidance. 

“What’re you doing up there?” he asked, gesturing with his pistol. 

“Well, ah, my sorority Kappa Mu Alpha...well it's not my sorority yet…” She giggled, her whole demeanor vapid as she spoke. “I’m like a new pledge, but anyway, they are holding a costume party for new recruits....” She pointed at herself. “...I’m one, my name’s Daisy.” She waved at them again. “…anywho. We all got really drunk...and my future sorority sisters thought it would be fun if all the pledges had to go hide and whoever could stay hidden until morning got to pledge Kappa Mu Alpha...so like anyway, I was wandering around Gotham trying to find a hiding place and I like found this really disgusting old train station, so I like thought that would be perfect, but then your train stopped and since like it stopped, I thought, cool I could lay on the roof and like, be hidden and get a moon bath at the same time…” Harley grinned at Hestia. Hestia knew she didn’t want to know, but asked anyway. “Moon bath?” 

Harley nodded enthusiastically. “Oh yeah, you should like totally try it. You just like get naked, or wearing a bikini and just like let the moonlight soak into your skin. It’s like totally great for your skin and your soul.” She nodded sagely. 

Hermes frowned, glancing at the others. “What?” 

Hestia shook her head hissing. “They’ll let anyone into college.” She glanced up at the smiling blonde and shrugged. “Yeah I think we should get her down here before she gets blown off or falls.” 

Hermes grinned, putting his gun back in it’s holster. Dionysus followed and Hestia just dropped her weapon letting the strap drop back on her shoulder. 

Hermes put his arms up. “Lower yourself down and I’ll catch you.” 

“Oh geez thanks, but I can get down. I got into college with like my gymnastics scholarship.” Harley disappeared for a second and the three watched as she lowered her legs into the open and suddenly dropped, causing the three guards to scatter back out of the way, though she caught herself by her hands on the edge at the last minute. 

Hermes and Dionysus both gasped; the young woman was wearing a bikini and chaps. Hanging from the roof opening, her body stretched out, they all got a good look at her. Hestia rolled her eyes thinking to herself: typical college airhead. 

Hermes grinned. The woman was gorgeous, like a sex dream come true in her bikini and chaps, blonde hair, nice sized tits…maybe he could convince her to sleep with him between now and their final stop, a little payment for helping her? He leered a little as his eyes raked over the blonde. He noticed Dionysus doing the same thing and while Dion was younger than him, Hermes had a way with the ladies. 

Grinning, Harley hung from the opening for a few seconds swinging her body back and forth before she dropped down, landing in a crouch and stood up with a hop. “Oh my god, thank you guys like so much!” She pointed at her couple of scrapes. “That like was totally bad for my skin…” She pouted. “You don’t think it's like, gonna scar, do you?” 

Dionysus and Hermes both walked over to examine Daisy’s hip. This close they both inhaled her scent, rich vanilla which made both men want to groan. Her skin looked like peaches and cream, velvet soft to the touch. They both exchanged a narrow-eyed look with the other before they both leaned in close to examine Daisy’s scraped hip. Hestia just shook her head and went back to lean against the wall so she would have a good view of those two assholes trying to charm the airhead college girl into bed. 

“My Mama used to say you should put puddin on a scrape…” Harley said with a grin, glancing up at the hatch. 

“Pudding?” Hermes looked up at her, catching a glimpse of a shadow near the hatch before someone dropped down into the freight car next to him. At the same time Harley grabbed Dionysus by the head with both hands and brought her knee up into his descending face, slamming it into the man’s face with a loud crunch of bone snapping and breaking mixed with Dionysus’ cries of pain. Harley tossed the man aside and turned her attention to Hestia who dropped her phone, which hit the floor and a gold brick, shattering as she brought her weapon up. Harley was fast, throwing herself into Hestia, both women slamming against the wall of the freight car. 

Joker landed on his feet, a knife in his hand as he stood up. Hermes was a split second too slow as Joker reached out with his free hand and grabbed a surprised Hermes who had just started to fumble with his gun. Joker grabbed the other man by the hair, yanked his opponent toward him and shoved his knife into the side of the man’s neck. 

Joker grinned, holding the man by his hair, having nearly pulled him close enough that he could lay the man’s head on his shoulder. Joker looked down at Hermes smiling as the other man choked, blood spittle staining his lips. 

Joker kissed Hermes on the side of his forehead. “I really didn’t like the way you were looking at my girl. I mean…” Joker smiled then bobbed his head a little as he spoke conversationally. “I know she is absolutely gorgeous, but I think you had less than pure thoughts about her. I hope you learned your lesson about lusting after my girl?” Joker asked with a grin. “You did, didn’t you? Just shake your head for me.” 

Hermes weakly pawed at his throat, the light quickly fading as Joker yanked the knife out of the man’s throat. Blood flowed freely down the front of Hermes’ shirt, dark and thick, nodded just a little before Joker dropped him, dead to the floor. 

On the other side of the car, Harley and Hestia struggled for a moment. Harley had wrapped her arms around the other woman, but Hestia had managed to get her arms up before Harley could pin them to her side. Hestia brought her joined fists down on Harley’s back, the impact hard enough to cause Harley to let go. 

Hestis swung at Harley. Her first swing missed as Harley lunged backwards, but her second fist connected and caught Harley across the cheek, snapping her head to the side. Harley stumbled back a few steps, the taste of blood in her mouth as she bit down on the inside of her cheek. 

“I hate college girls!” Hestia snarled, reaching for her gun, ready to mow Harley and the man behind her down in a rain of bullets (she didn’t care if the ricochet killed her at this point as long as they died too), but Hestia wasn’t ready for Harley who, despite the punch, which would have knocked out a lesser person, was more angry than disoriented. When Hestia took a step toward her, Harley kicked, her foot landing right between the other woman’s legs. 

Hestia’s eyes widened as pain radiated up from where Harley had kicked her in the crotch. Harley lunged forward and hit Hestia across the face with her arm held stiff. The other woman stumbled back, but Harley grabbed Hestia by the front of her shirt and yanked her opponent toward here where Harley slugged Hestia with eight, vicious punches to the face. 

“I. WORKED. HARD. FOR. THAT. DEGREE. YOU. BITCH!” Harley punctuated each word with a punch of her fist in Hestia’s face until the other woman’s face was a bloody mess. 

Harley stepped back and let go of Hestia to let the other woman fall to the floor unmoving. 

Joker walked over with Dionysus whose nose was clearly broken and his face spattered with blood, the young man’s back pressed to Joker’s chest, the clown’s knife held to the young man’s throat. 

“Wow Harley, what did she say to you?” Joker looked amused as Harley kicked the unconscious or dead woman in the stomach a few times until she was sure she had broken some ribs. “She said she hated college girls!” 

“Ooh…” Joker nodded in understanding glancing sideways at his prisoner, smiling brightly at Dionysus. “So what’s your stupid name?” 

“Dionysus sir,” the young man muttered. His voice was stuffy and reedy. 

“He called me sir Harls!” Joker looked pleased by the term. 

Harley was running her tongue against the corner of her lips, one of which was split. “So why are you playing with him puddin?” 

Joker shrugged. “I don’t know actually….so Dio...whateveryourlastnameis...how many more guards?” 

Dionysus stuttered, his eyes wide. “Three sleeping in the next car, two in the caboose, and then two more by the engineer.” 

Joker nodded. “Get that, just like Aries said.” 

Harley nodded then gestured at Dionysus. “The next car, does it have a door?” 

Dionysus nodded and pointed. “So does this one…” 

Joker and Harley both turned to see that there was in fact, a door, one at both ends. 

Harley growled and threw her arms up in the air. “God damn it!!” 

* 

One of the three guards sleeping, Chronos, woke suddenly. The car was still dark except for the one dim light at the end that acted as a nightlight in case any of them got up and needed to take a leak. He frowned lying on his bunk and wondering what had woken him up. For just a moment he thought he had heard the sound of someone screaming, a quick shout that faded swiftly as if the train was racing away from whoever was yelling, but when he had come fully awake he hadn’t heard anything other than the loud thrumming sound of the engine and click-clack of the rails. He had just laid his head back down when the door to the car opened just a crack. He couldn’t see who it was, but whoever it was held the door open for a few seconds before closing it and reopening again just as something was tossed inside. He caught only a gleam of light on what might be metal followed by the sound of whatever it was hitting the floor with a thud just as the door closed. Chronos sat up with a frown, about to open his mouth and yell when bright green smoke quickly began to fill the train car. 

Chronos started to laugh a moment after he inhaled the first lungful of smoke. His laughter and the gas’s effects woke his companions. 

Soon the entire car was filled with laughter. 

* 

Freeze was impressed as he walked through the car, examining the dead bodies of the other guards. “So this gas of yours creates these expressions before death...interesting.” 

Joker looked smug. “I’m a pretty good chemist, if I do say so myself. I can alter my gas to affect only one particular person, I can make it non-lethal...I can give you the shits!” He burst out laughing. 

Freeze nodded reevaluating his take on the clowns. (He had heard them speaking about the clown’s wife having a college degree in the car earlier. He had asked the man named Frost and discovered that Harley Quinn had a medical degree, and now this bit of impressive chemical engineering on the Joker’s part. Interesting he thought, very interesting.) 

“Well, two to go!!” Joker said gaily and took Harley’s hand, quickly leading her to the door that led to the next car. 

* 

The last two (unbeknownst to them) guards, Argos (Andy) and Castor (Chris) were both smoking in their car sitting across from each other at a bolted down old booth and playing a game of cards, their weapons in their holsters. 

Argos grinned at Castor. “Go fish.” 

Castor groaned. “Fuck, I hate this game.” 

Argo laughed. “We could try Uno.” 

“Nah...you’d beat me at that one too.” Castor sighed, glaring at his cards as if they were his enemies when they both heard the door at the other end of the train car open. There was no light at the other end since they didn’t really need it, just the light over their card game. Neither one of them paid much attention. The other guards occasionally came in here to ask for a place switch or to grab some food or drink from a cooler. They heard footsteps not noticing that there was more than one. 

Agro smiled at Castor. “So you gonna go fish or what?” 

“Yeah, yeah I’m fishing…” Castor muttered glaring at his cards. 

Argo looked up as the footsteps came closer. He only had a moment to see a strange looking man in an outfit that could have come from any sci-fi horror movie and for just a brief second, Argo wondered if they were being invaded when the alien being held up a laser gun and shot him and Castor. 

Harley squealed when she saw the results of Freeze’s ice gun. “They look like ice sculptures!!” 

Joker grinned. “I’ve gotta get me one of those. How much?” He turned and asked Freeze who simply shook his head. 

“My technology is not for sale, though…” He smiled behind his clear helmet. “I would consider an exchange of knowledge.” 

Joker grinned and gave Freeze a light elbowing in his armored side. “Ooh, you like my gas...okay darling, I think we can arrange an exchange of ideas. Maybe we can have lunch!” 

Joker grabbed Harley’s hand. “But for right now, let’s go see if we can stop this train!!” 

Harley squealed, yelling, “YEEHA!!” as the two of them ran off ahead leaving everyone else behind. 

Freeze just shook his head and followed. 

* 

Lester Kutz was focused on the engine and his goal, though when he heard the door open leading into the engine, he didn’t immediately respond. Usually one of the guards would wander up here to ask, “Are we there yet?” like they were twelve year olds on a family vacation to Aunt Martha’s and they didn’t really want to go. It wasn’t part of his job to babysit, but… 

Except when he turned around he saw a young woman in nothing but a bikini and chaps along with a pale man with green hair in a purple cowboy outfit. Both of them had their guns out and aimed at him. 

“I think you should bring this train to a stop partner.” Joker grinned, showing off bright white teeth surrounded by equally bright red lips. 

Lester Kutz had been through Gotham enough that he knew the Joker and Harley Quinn even if neither of them were in their usual costumes. 

“No,” Lester said. 

Joker blinked looking surprised as he glanced over at Harley. “Did he just tell us no?” 

“He did puddin!” Harley looked just as shocked. 

“No one can stop this train but me…” Lester said with a slight smile. “...kill me and this train will wreck.” 

“Yeah, but...you told me no...no one but Harley tells me no…” Joker looked both insulted and confused. 

Lester opened his mouth to tell him that he would wreck the train if they tried to stop him, but he didn't get far enough except to open his mouth before Joker shot Lester Kutz between the eyes. 

The man looked completely shocked to have been shot before he collapsed. 

“He told me no!! Who does that???!! Did he see the guns?” Joker looked at Harley incredulously. 

Harley shook her head, glancing at the dead body. “Well as you always say Mistah J, some people need fatal lessons.” 

“True, though I have to wonder: how are we going to stop the train?” Joker walked close to look at the engine, not really looking that concerned, more like curious when Freeze answered from behind them said. “I may have an idea for that….” 

* 

The last steps of their heist were the boring part, which Joker and Harley left to Freeze and his couple of men. The fun part was over and neither Joker nor Harley were interested in the hand-off part of the heist. 

Instead they headed home (much to the relief of the henchmen who had survived the night.) Archie had found the train fifteen minutes later, having run red lights and traffic signs having somehow not been picked up by the Gotham PD, nor having any accidents much to the small man’s annoyance. He had driven everyone back to the hideout. 

When they arrived back upstairs Harley stretched her arms over her head, stretching as they walked into their bedroom. “Seeing Freeze ice up those wheels was pretty good puddin. Could you imagine us freezing all the streets in Gotham?” 

Joker laughed and flopped down on the side of the bed, running his fingers through his hair after pulling off his gloves and tossing them to the floor. “That would be fun! We could ice skate wherever we wanted!” 

Harley walked over to him with a giggle. “I wonder if the batmobile has chains for the tires.” 

Joker laughed reaching up to grab her hips, enjoying the contrast of his pale fingers against her peaches and cream skin. “I didn’t properly get to admire your outfit tonight like I was hoping,” he murmured, leaning in to lightly kiss the scrape on her hip before gently caressing her stomach. “I really do like this outfit.” 

“Well no one says you can’t appreciate it now puddin…” Harley purred, pulling one of her guns out and holding it to his forehead, the barrel lightly pressed to his skin. “I reckon you should get your clothes off clown. I plan on some pirooting tonight with a handsome clownboy.” 

Joker giggled, his blue eyes crossing for a second as he looked up at the gun. He smirked and pulled his knife out, grinning at her as he slid the flat of the knife against her skin, causing goosebumps to race over her soft skin while he slid the tip of the knife under the string of her bikini bottom. 

“Well, I do declare Miss Harley, I think I might be right turned on. I got blue balls...” He giggled. “Get it, since we were hanging out with Freeze all night…” 

Harley laughed at him. “Puddin, that’s horrible.” 

“Yes, but I made you laugh.” He grinned up at her as he easily cut through the fabric holding the bikini bottom to her before reaching over to cut the other strip of cloth. He gently pulled the cloth away. 

Joker licked lips, gazing at her sex. He caressed her stomach, his hand sliding lower to brush lightly through the curls, then gently pressed his thumb against her clitoris, leaning forward to run his tongue against the soft skin of her belly. 

Harley made a small sound of pleasure when he touched her, reaching behind her to untie the top of her bikini, expertly pulling the knots free to let it fall to the floor. Joker gazed up at her, his groin aching at the sight of Harley, naked except for the chaps, her boots and her guns. 

Harley gestured with her gun. “Get undressed clown, leave the boots and don’t make me ask again,” Harley growled, her eyes bright with lust and love. 

She took a couple of steps back to allow Joker to stand. He did so with a grin, laying the knife down on the bed as he quickly undressed, dumping everything, including his guns, to the floor, until he was left with only his boots, and his erection. 

Smirking, Harley licked her lips as she stepped closer, her gun still on him, but when she was close enough, Joker moved with the speed of a striking viper. He yanked the gun out of her hand, tossing it dangerous to the floor. With his other hand he grabbed his knife off the bed, spun Harley around and knocked her feet out from under her, causing her to crash onto the bed. He immediately dropped down between her legs, his knife at her throat. 

“I win,” he murmured, only to have Harley giggle, her voice husky with lust as she felt his erection between her legs, pressing against her. “I let you win.” 

Joker, who was pressing the knife against her throat at the same time he thrust his hips teasingly against her, suddenly looked confused. “You did?” 

Harley’s smile widened. “Of course I did puddin.” 

Joker laughed, tossed the knife off the bed and kissed her, thrusting his tongue into her mouth while he cradled her head, pulling back to whisper against her soft lips, “My naughty cowgirl…” 

He reached down, sliding the head of his erection teasingly against her, feeling how hot and wet she was waiting for him. Joker groaned, causing the fire that had started to burn in Harely’s groin the moment he took his clothes off to flare brighter. She moaned, grasping his shoulders with a plea. 

“Puddin...I want you...” 

Joker groaned as he slid into her. “I can’t deny you anything my pumpkin pie…” 

Standing up, Joker yanked her to the edge of the bed, grasping her hips, heedless of her scrapes she had from her fall as he thrust into her and caused the entire bed to shake. Harley threw her arms over her head, arching and grasping at the blankets on their bed as Joker thrust hard and fast into her, the sound of their flesh smacking together mixed with the leather sound of her chaps smacking against the side of the bed. She felt dizzy with pleasure as she came with a startled moan, letting her husband fuck her hard and fast. 

Joker clenched his jaw, gazing down at her. The flood of her orgasm washed over him and he thrust a little harder, his fingers pressing into her skin. He loved gazing down at her like this, watching the way her breasts bounced with each thrust of his hips, burying himself deep inside her warm, welcoming body, her lips rosy and wet, her expression one of completely wanton pleasure. God he loved her! She felt so good, and looked so sexy spread out in front of him. It was so hard not to orgasm right away, but when Harley turned her eyes on him, glowing blue from under her thick dark lashes with a passion just for him, Joker had to stop moving for a moment or he was going to explode. He held her, gazing down at her, his body trembling with barely held restraint. 

That was the moment Harley needed. 

She sat up and shoved, pushing Joker back. He looked so confused she wanted to laugh, but the loss of his erection inside her was an ache that she needed filled again. She stood, grabbing her startled Joker by his wrist, kicking his booted feet out from under him and knocking him to the floor. Joker hit the threadbare carpet of their bedroom with a startled yelp. 

Harley quickly straddled him, not giving him a moment to recover before she had slid down on his erection with a gasp of pleasure. She shuddered, feeling him inside her, filling her, that pleasure radiating through her body. She ground down on him, squeezing her inner muscles. 

Joker jerked grabbing her hips. “Uh…” he grunted as Harley began to grind against him, panting, her hands pressed against his chest as she rode him hard and fast. He reached up with one hand, sliding his fingers over her breasts, shuddering at the feel of her hard nipple against his hand. He laid a hand between her breasts, feeling the rapid beat of her heart, his beautiful, sexy, girl he thought as she thrust a little harder, driving all sane thoughts from his mind. 

Harley arched her back in a beautiful stretch, reaching back to grab his knees, grinding herself forward on him. 

Joker looked down to see her glistening, swollen clitoris and reached for her, pressing his thumb against her. Her answering cry made him smile as he panted with pleasure, rotating the pad of his thumb against her while he held onto her hip with his other hand, groaning and grunting with each thrust she made. Her answering sounds of pleasure made him jerk and shudder. When she climaxed again, he felt it vibrate through his entire body. 

Switching her position again, Harley brought her legs up, her feet flat at his sides so that she was squating over him. Joker jerked and grinned like a kid in a candy store. He grasped her ass as she reached back and grasped his thighs for support as she began to use her legs to slowly raise her self up, then just as slowly plunge back down on him, showing off the muscles of her thighs as she slowly slid up and down like a piston on his erection. 

Joker hissed with a shudder, watching his erection, pale but rosy with blood, slippery and wet from Harley, disappearing into the glistening, pink, wetness of his girl. 

This position caused Harley to cum almost instantly. She shuddered, struggling for a moment to keep her position and not simply collapse, her entire body having turned to spaghetti. She groaned, biting her bottom lip while bouncing on his erection while her eyes rolled back. Everything felt so good, she felt she was going to burst. 

This time when Harley came, her body held him so tightly Joker could do nothing but respond to her. Harley thrust, slick and wet, pistoning on him until Joker cried out, grasping her hips to hold on as he felt as if he had literally exploded inside her. 

* 

It was early morning, the sun having just started to brighten the skies over Gotham. Joker, lying naked in bed, yawned sleepily as Harley walked naked across the room with two cold glasses of chocolate milk. The morning news was playing on the television as Joker watched. 

“This just in, a freight train that was passing through Gotham this evening was found just hours ago on the outskirts of Gotham, the wheels of the train entirely frozen. Two people were also found frozen on board the train. There were three other victims found murdered on the train by stabbing, another shot, and the engineer was also found shot. Another three victims were found apparently having been exposed to Joker’s lethal laughing gas. 

“There was no evidence of a cargo on this train and there was no manifest found, though the train’s owner was a freelancer by the name of Lester Kutz. We will bring you more details as they come available. 

“In another report, a body was found near the tracks a few miles back from the frozen train. It is unclear if this victim was part of the train crew or not since the train had no registered passengers…” 

“HA!! No one even mentions old Coldmiser!!” Joker laughed, taking the glass of milk from Harley. “Now Gotham thinks I have some way of freezing stuff...Harley I have got to get that gun!!” 

Harley curled up beside him, taking a sip of her milk before she set it aside. “Well, play nice and I think the Winter Warlock will give you one.” 

“Maybe…” Joker grinned. “Wouldn’t it be funny to steal it from him though?” 

Harley laughed. “Yeah, I suppose it would puddin…” 

Joker pulled her close, making sure she was curled tight against him, her head on his chest “Now, what am I going to have you wear next...” 

“What’s our next job for Pengy?” Harley asked, kissing his chest and closing her eyes. 

Joker cooed with pleasure. “We’re to hijack a dirigible.”


	4. Yo Ho (part one)

It had been three days since the train robbery and all had been quiet. 

Joker and Harley, both wearing matching pink teddy bear onesies, were lying in bed together, each one holding a Nintendo Switch Lite that Joker had stolen for him and Harley, along with copies of the game Animal Crossing. They were lying shoulder to shoulder while playing their games. 

Joker muttered. “I hate Al! Ugh...how can I get him to move out! This game won’t let me murder the animals! I can’t even blow them up. I really don’t see the attraction.” He slumped a little next to her. 

Harley giggled. “Puddin, the point of the game is to just build your town, make friends, and buy clothes! See!” Harley leaned against Joker’s shoulder showing him her character’s newest outfit. 

Joker frowned looking at the screen, but his frown quickly turned into a grin. “Even a virtual you is as cute as a button,” Joker said bumping her shoulder. 

Harley laughed. “Well you look just as handsome and psychotic as ever in yours puddin.” 

Joker chuckled as his character dug holes around Al’s house, trapping the gorilla inside. 

“Wanna come to my town and pretend to make out puddin?” Harley asked with a giggle. 

Joker purred. “Sure, fling your gates open woman! I’m bringing some chaos to your town!” He muttered. “There should be a recipe for dynamite in this game!” 

They both laughed and snuggled down just as Joker’s phone buzzed from where it sat on the bedside table. 

He turned, giving the phone a dirty look before he sighed and reached over to grab it to see he had received a text from Penguin. 

“Tomorrow night, midnight, roof of the Wayne building.” 

Joker texted back an “okay” emoji and received a thumbs up emoji in response, which made him think that it was probably Lark who was actually doing the texting. Oswald didn’t seem the type to use emojis. 

Joker smirked, waving the phone at Harley. “I guess our little dirigible caper is on for tomorrow night. We’re meeting on top of Wayne tower.” 

“Isn’t that dangerous...I mean Wayne Tower?” Harley asked, but Joker shrugged. 

“It’s the tallest building in Gotham.” 

Harley frowned and shrugged. “So are we really going to crash a dirigible?” Harley asked with excitement. 

Joker chuckled and tossed the phone back onto the table. “Well, technically we are supposed to simply hijack the giant balloon, but if we happened to accidentally crash it...” He shrugged with a wide grin. “...and there’s a huge explosion…” He stuck his bottom lip out. “...I mean, these things do happen.” 

Harley snickered. “So what’s the dirigible carrying?” she asked as she turned her attention back to her game. 

“I think Cobblepot said this one is carrying some Louis XIV furniture, some jewels, and some other stuff that like…” Joker had gone back to his game and didn’t seem really interested in the topic of what they were attacking the dirigible for. He was more interested in the actual attack than the things they were supposed to steal. 

Smiling, Harleen leaned against Joker’s shoulder again. Her puddin wasn’t materialistic at all, except maybe when it came to his clothing and the occasional clown-related items that popped up once in a while. And he had no problem getting her anything she wanted. 

Harley sighed happily just as he snickered under his breath. “Now, let’s see you get out of there Al…” 

She glanced over to see that Joker had added bonfires around the pits he had dug around the gorilla’s home. 

* 

The next evening, Harley woke up feeling a little groggy. At first, she didn’t really know what had woken her up. She hadn’t heard the alarm, but almost in the same breath Harley realized what it was that had woken her up. She felt the warm caress of Joker’s breath against her shoulder as he lightly pressed his soft lips against her skin, followed by a light caress of his teeth. His body was pressed up tight against her back and she could feel his erection, hot and hard, against her bare ass where she curled into him. She moaned softly at his touch. His arm was tight around her waist, his hand between her legs. She let out another groan as his fingers gilded between her legs, his touch gentle and seeking. 

“Harley…” he growled softly, his lips moving against her bare skin. “Mm...my sweet pumpkin pie…” he purred, his middle finger sliding against her clitoris causing Harley to arch with pleasure. 

“Puddin…” Her voice was soft, deep with want. 

They had gone to bed naked after some fantastic sex, but it was clear that Mistah J had woken up feeling amorous. Grinning, Harley pressed herself back against him, lifting her leg to hook over his thigh and give her husband better access to her. 

His clever fingers pressed gently against her clitoris before he began to stroke her lightly, teasingly, as his warm, husky voice hissed against her ear. “I woke up with a craving.” 

Harley’s sleepy giggle turned into a hiss of pleasure as his fingers slid against her. 

“You did puddin?” Harley asked in a whisper followed by a low moan, arching her back. 

Joker chuckled and nodded, snaking his other arm under and around her ribs so he could grasp one of her breasts and pull her more firmly against him. He kissed her ear, rubbed his nose against her hair while he rubbed his fingers against her and shuddered while the throb in his groin ached more with each moan she made. 

“Yes...I was dreaming about your soft cotton candy skin...the sweet taste of you on my tongue.” (He punctuated this by biting her shoulder just painfully enough to make her twitch.) “And I woke up with a throbbing hard on.” Joker’s growl reverberated across her sensitive skin. 

“Well, we can’t have you going to work tonight with that now can we?” Harley’s voice was teasing. She pressed back to rub her ass against him. 

“No we can’t, what will Catwoman and the henchpeople think?” Joker chuckled and began to rub against Harley more firmly and grinned as he felt the increasing dampness between her legs. His grin broadened as Harley jerked and groaned in response. 

Harley gasped, arched, and spread her legs wider while the fingers of his other hand brushed against her nipple. The sensation of his fingers firmly alternating between rubbing her clitoris and moving his fingertips in a circular motion had her gasping and groaning loudly while he lightly pinched her nipple. 

“I want to fuck you,” Joker hissed against her ear. “I want to bury myself inside you, to feel how hot and wet you are…” 

“Uhh...yes puddin. I want you.” Harley arched and bumped her ass against him, which caused Joker to make a breathless groan of pleasurable frustration. 

Joker had just licked her ear again when Harley twisted her upper body over onto her back, reaching up to wrap her arm around his neck, her fingers grabbing a fistful of green hair and pulled him down so she could catch his mouth in a deep, demanding kiss. 

She groaned and thrust her tongue into his mouth. Joker responded in kind, leaning into her as he returned her kiss and tightened his hold on her with his other arm. 

While kissing her, their tongues sliding and twisting, Joker slid a finger inside her. Harley made a muffled sound of pleasure against his lips, arching herself while he thrust his finger in and out of her warm, welcoming body. The wet sound of his finger moving in and out of her made the ache in Joker’s groin intensify. He pinched her nipple again, catching her bottom lip with his teeth. He tugged gently, opening his eyes to gaze down at her, his blue eyes bright. When Harley smiled back at him, Joker gave her a pleased smirk and added another finger which made Harley jerk and gasp again in pleasure. 

Releasing his hair, Harley’s hand glided down his throat and along his chest, then slowly across his stomach until she could reach between them and grasp his erection. Joker grunted and jerked against her, pressing his body more firmly alongside hers, his fingers buried deep inside her, and Harley’s smile turned slightly impish. She began to slowly caress his erection, which felt hot in the firm grip of her hand. While Joker thrust his fingers into her, sending ripples of pleasure through her like waves of water in the ocean, Harley squeezed him gently before sliding her hand up, then down in a smooth gesture that made her puddin inhale sharply with pleasure. 

She grunted and groaned when he thrust his fingers deep inside her as her hand continued to slide up and down the hot and hard--impossibly hard, she thought with a smile--firmness of his erection. His little groans, gasps, and grunts intensified her own pleasure. The sounds he made always added fuel to Harley’s excitement. She loved the sound of his voice when he was turned on, that slightly gruff growl in his words, or the deep throated moans that he made, which she could feel through her entire body. 

Each time Harley brought her hand up, she would run the pad of her thumb over the tip of his shaft, smearing a drop of stickiness around the smooth, satiny surface of his skin, and Joker would shudder in response. His fingers thrust a little harder into her until she gasped and jerked in response, her eyes rolling, a smile on her face. 

Joker responded to her teasing by pressing his thumb against her clitoris before moving his thumb in a slow circle that made Harley gasp. He continued to thrust and circle his fingers, biting his bottom lip in an attempt to stop himself from cumming as her hand, which felt warm and soft, slid against his aching erection. But when he felt Harley tense, followed swiftly by her gasping groan of pleasure, her entire body arching with her orgasm, he couldn’t wait any longer. 

He moved his hand away from her, at the same time breaking Harley’s hold on him. He lifted her leg over his hips a little farther, turning her slightly at an angle before he slid himself inside her, both of them sharing a moan of bliss as their bodies joined together. 

Joker brought his leg up between her legs, Harley kept her right leg up and over his hips while he adjusted her a little. He held her tight as if he were afraid of losing her. Joker pressed his mouth against her shoulder, alternating between kisses and bites, at the same time thrusting into her with firm and fast strokes. 

With a loud groan, Harley arched and her leg around his hips tightened as she thrust back as much as she could from the slightly awkward position. The bed squeaked loudly, mixing with the sounds of their groans and the slap of flesh against flesh. 

Each time Joker bit at her shoulder, Harley shuddered, crying out as her orgasm rippled over her followed quickly by little quakes of pleasure. In response, she reached back to grasp his hair. Her cry was the last straw. Joker leaned against her, thrusting as deeply as he could into Harley with a shuddering groan, his body releasing all the sexual tension in a hard burst that made him feel weak all over. 

He thrust a few more times, slowly while Harley shuddered making a small sound of pleasure until finally he stopped and simply held her, burying his face against her hair. 

“My pumpkin pie…” he murmured. She could feel the smile against her ear when his lips brushed against the delicate skin, then again as he kissed the faint bite marks he had left in her shoulder. 

Harley made a contented purr as she relaxed into his arms. 

Joker held her close, brushing his lips over the bite marks. “Now, that is the best way to start an evening of piracy don’t you think sweets?” 

Harley chuckled. “Agreed puddin...though it's too bad we have to get up.” She snuggled down. “This is nice.” 

Licking her ear, Joker purred, “But I want to see you in the next outfit really, really bad.” He tickled her sides. “Please, please, please, please!” 

Harley giggled, wiggling a little. It didn’t help that his breath tickled her ear. “You are worse than a kid.” 

“Well, you spoil me poo!” Joker pulled out of her with a brief shudder, rolled off the bed, and flicked on the lights. Harley rolled over onto her back, watching him move toward the bathroom. She grinned, her eyes on his milk white ass. She never got tired of seeing her Joker naked. 

* 

Forty-five minutes later Harley was in her red bathrobe and nothing else, sitting at the table in their tiny kitchen with some hot coffee and the remains of scrambled eggs on her plate. 

“So, are you going to tell me what my kink costume is or not?” Harley wrinkled her nose in frustration at Joker who sat across from her, finishing off his bacon with a smile. 

Bob had just finished cleaning up from cooking and had left to get Harley’s costume leaving an excited Joker and a slightly annoyed Harley behind. Joker was still in only his purple bathrobe, sipping on the last of his coffee, his eyes twinkling with delight. 

“Don’t be like that sweets.” Joker pouted. “Just a few more minutes, hm? Besides, I thought you enjoyed dressing up for me?” 

“I do puddin, but we are going to be running late if we don’t hurry up.” Harley set the last sip of her coffee aside. 

Joker grinned. “It’ll be worth being a little late, I promise!” 

Harley smiled with a sigh and shook her head just as her phone rang. She pulled the phone out of the deep pocket of her robe, turning it over to see that it was Selina calling her. 

She hit the button with a smile, bringing the phone to her ear. “Hey Selina!” 

“Where are you two?” Selina sounded slightly annoyed, though not angry. 

Harley looked at the time. “We still have nearly a hour! What are you doing there so early?” 

“I like to look for traps, hidden gunmen, Batman. I also like to be able to scope the place just so I’m familiar with the layout of everything,” Selina purred into the phone. 

“It’s a rooftop. Besides, we’re hijacking a dirigible! So what if you know what the roof is like.” Harley examined a nail while she spoke, only to glance up when she saw Joker stand up and untie his robe. She narrowed her eyes at him, but Joker only gave her a wide, beautiful smile as he started to do a striptease, swinging one side of this bathrobe belt. Harley snickered. She knew exactly what he was doing, trying to distract her. 

“You okay?” Selina asked with mild concern in her voice. “You sound a little funny.” 

Joker turned his back on Harley, letting the bathrobe slid off his shoulders to his elbows. He looked seductively over his shoulder at her while he rolled his shoulders, weaving his hips from side to side. 

“It’s nothing. We’ll be there soon, just finished breakfast, and we both need to change…” Harley was watching Joker as he turned around, his hands buried deep in the pockets of his robe. At the last second, just when she thought Harley was going to get a view of his penis, Joker yanked his hands that were buried in his pockets, over his groin and made his comical “Oopsie” face before he started to weave his hips back and forth again, waggling his green eyebrow her, a silly smile on his face the entire time. 

Harley did her best to ignore him. (Maybe not her best, as she loved watching him. He hated it when she was on the phone. He was like a toddler who was perfectly content until their mother picked up the phone to talk to someone, then suddenly they needed all her attention. That was her puddin.) 

“Any sign of Batman?” Harley asked while Joker lifted one side of his robe up away from his crotch, using his hands in the pockets of the robe to manipulate it, then swiftly exchanged hands over his groin so that Harley didn’t see anything while he continued to dance in front of her. 

Pressing her lips together Harley tried not to laugh. 

“Not yet, but it won’t take long for him to show up once we get started,” Selina replied, but Harley could tell Selina’s attention was divided by the tone of her voice. 

“That’s gonna be fun,” Harley observed with a snicker that was more directed by Joker’s antics than on the possibility of Batboob showing up. 

“Well, I’ll be here--you two hurry it up,” Selina growled before disconnecting the line. 

“So how’s the kitty cat?” Joker asked, grinning at Harley as he pulled his hands out of the pockets, which allowed the robe to fall open a little giving Harley a nice view of his little Joker before he tied his robe closed again and flopped back into his seat across from her. 

“Impatiently waiting for us,” Harley answered just as there was a knock at their door. 

“Enter!!” Joker yelled grandly. 

The door opened and Bob stepped in. He wore a red and black tulle tutu with a red and black striped unitard that had a large skull and crossbones over the breast, along with black biker boots. 

Even his ever present fanny pack had a skull and crossbones on it. 

Bob was carrying two large boxes in his arms as he pushed the door open with his hip. 

“YES!!” Joker clapped while jumping to his feet. “Our outfits!!” 

Harley giggled. She loved how kink week had turned into her puddin dressing up as well. She should have known he could never resist the chance to dress up. 

Joker hurried over to help Bob with the boxes, setting them down on the floor. Harley came over to watch as Joker and Bob pulled open the tops. 

Joker gasped loudly. “OH!! Bob!! You’ve outdone yourself!” 

He pulled out a hat, a red tricorn hat trimmed with gold and black thread, and with a large, fluffy black feather decorating the side. 

Harley gasped. “Are we going to be pirates?” 

Joker beamed at her. “Yes!! You, my sweets, are going to be my sexy, kinky pirate captain and I shall simply be your willing--although fabulously dressed--cabin boy that you can use however you see fit.” He grinned a little wider. “Oh wait...I’m the rival pirate captain that you take prisoner!! Yes!! And you have to torture me for information about the treasure!!” He gave her a leering look. 

“You have to pump me for information Captain Harley, but I should warn you, I shall not willingly give up my map!” 

Harley laughed as Joker handed her the hat and pulled out a red corset, jacket, and short, ruffled red and black skirt with embroidered details in gold. “Don’t be so sure of that Captain Joker. I have ways of making men talk.” 

Joker giggled merrily. “Does it require a lot of sucking?” 

Nodding, Harley licked her lips. “It does indeed.” 

Joker wiggled in place with anticipation. 

Harley smiled, shook her head, and examined the skirt in her hands; the embroidery depicted diamonds and hearts. 

“Oh Bob, this is so pretty!” Harley murmured, clearly impressed. 

Bob blushed just as Joker pulled out the decorative thigh high boots and shoved them at her. “Go get dressed!” he exclaimed in his excitement. 

Harley giggled, her arms full of clothing and hurried to the bedroom while Joker dug into the box that held his costume. 

* 

A few minutes later Harley stepped out of the bedroom. 

She was wearing a long red frock coat that nearly brushed the floor behind her. The edges of the coat were trimmed with gold and black thread in a filigree design that held hearts and diamonds hidden within. The frock coat buttoned at Harley’s waist showing off the trim size of her waist, but also emphasized her breasts. She wore a red embroidered corset (which pushed her breasts up bringing even more focus onto her chest) over a white chamois, which was partly open showing off ample cleavage and skin. The skirt was layered and short, coming down just past her hips. The outfit was finished off by the thigh high, lace up black leather boots--no hose--just her bare legs, and a well-balanced cutlass as her hip. 

When Harley stepped out, Joker gasped loudly, his groin responding by swelling instantly. His eyes raked over her, taking in every inch of her pirate costume, from her boots to the way the corset made her breasts jiggle with every movement. HIs erection pulsed in time to the rapid beat of his heart, and his mouth watered just a little. He licked his red lips with a grin and clapped his hands. “Magnificent! Beautiful!! I will gladly walk the plank or engage in some amorous congress with you Captain Harley!” He giggled. “Tie me up and punish me captain! I will never tell you where the map is though!” He grinned impishly at her. “Though I might be convinced to show you were the “X” is…” 

Harley giggled, her cheeks rosy, but a split second later she took in Joker’s costume. 

Joker wore a flamboyant tricorn hat, larger than Harley’s with a long, fluffy, bright green feather in it that hung off the back, and a long, curled green periwig. The shirt he wore was a bright green with a large ruffled neck and equally large ruffled sleeves that spilled out from the wide, cuffs of his purple frock coat with a richly decorated belt across his chest that held his cutlass at his hip (as well as his guns, which were not pirate accurate, though Harley would have been amused to see her puddin using flintlock guns.) Her puddin also wore a pair of purple pants that showed off his slender legs in a way that made a rush of wet heat pool between her legs. He wore a pair of black musketeer boots and he was even wearing gauntlet gloves (a pair of gloves that had metal slabs in the leather around the wrists) in dark purple leather. Joker’s costume was also embroidered with gold thread, but when Harley stepped closer she could see that Bob had hidden Joker smiles and smiley faces within the embroidery. Her husband looked so good that she pressed her thighs together and sucked in her bottom lip. She felt suddenly very sensitive between her legs and her nipples had gone hard. 

“Oh puddin...I didn’t realize I had a pirate kink, but...wow…” Harley cooed 

Joker grinned at her and held his arms out, doing a slow spin. “You like?” 

“Oh...I like,” Harley growled playfully and licked her lips. 

She pulled her cutlass out and walked over to him, holding the blade to Joker’s throat. “You sir, are my prisoner. Your ship is mine, your crew is mine...and your body is mine…” 

Joker put his hands up with a giggle. “Parley?” 

Harley sneered. “Oh, we will parley...privately in my captain’s cabin…” 

That was the moment that Harley’s phone began to ring. 

She sighed, put her cutlass under her arm, and pulled the phone out from a pocket in the frock coat. “Oh, it's Selina again.” 

Joker made a face and crossed his arms glancing over at Bog, his frown quickly turning into a smile. “You did great Bob.” 

Bob beamed and nodded his bald head. 

“Were you able to get Archie into an outfit?” Joker asked while Harley was assuring Selina that they were in fact in the car and on their way. 

Bob nodded smiling brightly. 

“Am I going to love it?” Joker asked with a snicker because he knew he would. Bob nodded enthusiastically. 

Joker chuckled. “This is going to be great!” 

* 

Selina heard the sound of the roof door opening from where she remained hidden in the shadows. She had positioned herself near the edge, giving her easy access to escape by throwing herself off the building. It always amused her to catch a glimpse of someone’s face just as she threw herself over the side of a building. The shock and confusion were funny. 

Tilting her head, Selina listened. She could hear whispered voices, foot steps of maybe...she waited...she counted twelve different sets of footsteps... but then one voice stood out… Harley Quinn. 

Selina grinned. Harley had a very distinctive accent that she had never quite been able to lose despite her friend’s best efforts. 

Thank god they had arrived and none too soon. She could see a dirigible approaching the building, the one Oswald had sent for them to use in hijacking Maxie Zeus’s dirigible, which she could see in the distance as well. The large balloon ships stood out on the Gotham skyline even through the film of haze that was ever present in the Gotham skies, day or night. This was going to be a fun job, she thought with a heavy touch of sarcasm. 

Selina had just turned around the corner of one of the building's green energy units, her hand up and mouth open in greeting when she stopped midstep and stared. 

Joker and Harley, along with their gang, were standing in the middle of the roof, Joker and Harley dressed like cartoon or film pirates in large, feathered hats and elaborate coats...fuck, they even had cutlasses Selina noted with dismay. Please say Joker has his usual surprises hidden on him, Selina thought with dismay, because if they only brought cutlasses, this was going to be a long and messy night. As Selina’s eyes behind her goggles took in the rest of the gang that Joker had brought, Selina saw that almost every member of their gang was wearing something “pirate clown” related except for Frost. Selina thought it was funny that no matter what the clowns did, Jonny Frost always wore the same style black suit, white shirt, red tie, the only variations on the theme being the color of the tie or suit, but even then he always wore something dark. It always surprised her that Joker didn’t get annoyed with Frost not dressing up, but maybe that was just part of what Joker liked about the man. 

Taking a deep breath, Selina walked silently over to them only to hear Joker say loudly. 

“You’re not serious? Dirigibles don’t have cannons? Well, what’s the fucking point of a dirigible if you can’t have a ship battle in the air!! Who did this?? Who do I need to file a complaint with? The city??! So that’s why I never see any air battles? GEEZ!! What is wrong with Gotham, I ask ya!” 

“Evening...pirates,” Selina said just loud enough to be heard. 

Everyone turned to see Selina standing just outside their circle, dressed in her typical black catsuit, her cat-eared hood over her head and her crimson lense goggles over her eyes. 

Harley squealed and raced over. “KITTY!!” 

Selina laughed, barely having enough time before Harley slammed into her and hugged her, the feather on Harley’s hat brushing her nose and making it itch as Selina returned Harley’s hug. 

“Hey Harley, why are you two dressed like pirates?” Selina asked once Harley let her breathe again. 

“Kink week!!” Joker announced cheerfully. 

“Oh yeah, I do remember you bringing that up at the meeting…” Selina nodded though she didn’t think kink week would involve quite so flamboyant costumes, on both of them...and she had thought that would be done mostly at their hideout. Leave it to them to share their kink outside of their home. 

“Why is he dressed up too?” Selina asked quieter and regretting asking almost as soon as she did. 

Harley giggled. “Because he’s the pirate captain I defeated in battle...I get to torture him for information about the treasure map.” Harley grinned ferally. “He’s my prisoner.” 

Joker giggled, waving his hand merrily in the air, his manic red lipped smile plastered across his pale face. “Yep!! I’m gonna get tortured later!! It involves a lot of sucking apparently!” 

“Oh.” Selina chuckled softly, rolling her eyes. 

Joker frowned at her and pointed. “Don’t you roll your eyes at us! Your boyfriend dresses up like a bat and I bet you two do it hanging upside down...Oh...oh Harley. That gives me an idea.” He widened his eyes at Selina, causing Harley to giggle. “Well I am good with aerial silks…” She waggled her eyebrows at Joker who leered at her. “Yes you are pumpkin.” 

Selina cleared her throat. “Okay...well...are you all ready?” She pointed as their dirigible, the long silver vehicle (looking similar to a few others that were often seen in the air over Gotham) gently came to hover close enough to the building that they could all easily jump for or reach for the ladder that was rolled down. (Selina knew that the airship was staying just far enough away from the building that they couldn’t be accused of using Wayne property.) 

One of Joker’s men, dressed in striped black and white pants, with a red scarf tied around his neck asked in disbelief. “We have to jump for the ladder?” 

Joker laughed. “Of course! We’re pirates!!” 

“I don’t know…” The clown took a step backwards staring at the massive floating vehicle. 

Joker rolled his eyes. “Groak, since you are being such a baby, you get to go first.” 

Shoving Groak forward toward the edge of the building, Joker followed, along with everyone else. 

Selina sighed. First casualty of the evening she was guessing. Thank god it was a little after midnight, the streets below in this district should be mostly empty and with luck, there was an alley on this side of the building so maybe no one would find the body until tomorrow… 

Groak climbed up on the edge looking at the hovering ladder, then at Joker. “Do...do I have to?” 

Joker was about to say something, but it was Harley who pulled her cutlass out and pressed the point against Groak’s stomach. “Jump or I’ll slice out your liver!” 

Joker grinned at Harley. “Oooh, you sound so piraty and ruthless...very sexy.” 

Harley grinned at him and winked before turning her attention back to Groak. “Now, jump, you lily-livered pansy or taste my sword!” 

Groak looked pale even under the clown makeup. 

Archie put his hand out. “I’ll go first Boss. I would be happy to fall.” 

Joker gave Archie a grin. “I know you would darling.” 

There was a brief moment where Selina thought about interfering, but it quickly passed as she waited to see how this would play out, but she did add. “Guys, we need to get moving…” 

Harley gave Groak a poke. 

The man yelped and turned, throwing himself at the ladder instead of simply trying to reach for it. The way he threw himself caused the ladder to slip away when his body hit it. For a second it looked like he might have made it, his fingers were within inches of the bars, his hand even brushed against them, but just as swiftly he missed and started to fall. 

A split second later Groak was gone. 

Everyone raced to the edge to look over as Groak screamed. 

Joker leaned over, cupping his hands around his mouth and yelled. “FLAP YOUR ARMS!!” 

Archie leaned as far over as his short legs would allow and sighed. “Lucky bastard.” 

They were too high up to hear or see Groak hit the pavement below, but Harley frowned and asked. “You think he'll just be a red splat?” 

“Nah, he’ll be more like meatloaf I think,” Joker mused staring over the side of the building before he shrugged and pushed back. “Oh well...let’s go!!” 

He gracefully jumped up on the edge, grinned at everyone before he, with equal grace, caught the ladder and started to climb up quickly. 

Harley giggled and followed him, making the entire process look easy. 

Selina shook her head, sparing only a moment for poor Groak before she was following the clowns into the airship. 

* 

Inside the ship, Joker and Harley both squealed like children. 

The two of them, along with Selina, Frost, and Bob were in the cockpit along with the two pilots, both men dressed in black and white tuxedos (clearly Penguin’s men.) They could see out the windows that the blimp they were after was moving in the distance. It was one of only half a dozen in the air at the moment, the rest scattered over the rooftops of Gotham City. One or two might have been independently owned, but the other blimps belonged to various organizations, including the Gotham police force. 

Joker hurried to the front of the ship, pulling Harley’s hand to take her with him. The captain and copilot gave them both dirty looks, giving their costumes a curled lip examination. (Selina lifted her eyebrows, hoping the two men were smart enough to keep their dislike under wraps because she was pretty sure no one else on the airship knew how to fly it.) 

Joker and Harley both leaned against the windows, nearly smashing their faces against the glass so that they could look down on the city. 

Joker whispered, his voice filled with wonder. “Harley, can you just imagine the bomb I could drop from here?” 

“It would be amazing,” Harley said, her voice filled with just as much wonder. 

Joker grinned. “The explosion would be spectacular!!” He glanced sideways at his wife. “I want a blimp now...OOOH!!” He gasped as an idea came to him. “We could paint our faces on it!!! Can you imagine a giant blimp with our gorgeous faces on it, throwing giant bombs down on Gotham!!” 

Harley squealed and clapped her hands in excitement. “OH puddin that’s a fantastic idea!!” 

“Isn’t it though!” Joker grabbed her hand, the two colorful pirates spinning around in their excitement, gazing at each other, everyone else in the room with them completely forgotten. 

“We could even spray laughing gas down on Gotham from here!! Cover the entire city!” Harley giggled causing her puddin to gasp as he stopped spinning her and gazed at her with wide blue eyes. 

“Harley, that’s brilliant!!” 

Seline cringed. 

She would have to place a whispered word or two into Batman’s ear to warn him against the clowns ever getting an airship. 

* 

The captain of the dirigible owned by Maxie Zeus and his investor was a large man with a full head of snow white hair and an ample belly that was solid muscle. He had been working as a driver of airships since he was a kid here in Gotham. He had started out riding along with his father, learning the trade, learning to work every job there was on a ship like this, until finally one day, he was able to become a captain in his own right. 

Then in one night, his career, his life, was destroyed by Batman. 

Batman had learned that Herman Cramer was smuggling drugs into Gotham, which he was selling for a pretty damn good profit. Herman had started hauling drugs because he needed money, not for some noble reason, like his dad or wife was sick, or he had hospital or funeral bills to pay, but because Herman had a gambling problem. Drug smuggling was easy and at the time, the blimps over Gotham were a great way to do it without drawing attention. That was until Batman found out. 

Batman busted him and he ended up in Blackgate for five years. Five years of his life stolen from him. Herman had thought he would never fly a blimp again--that was until Maxie Zeus hired him. It was a real, legal job, and the cargo he had now was all legally being brought into Gotham. Whether it had been legally acquired before that was above his pay grade, but he couldn’t be held accountable for that. He was just driving the ship. 

Herman grinned with pleasure. It was great to be flying again. 

He glanced over at the two men who were standing on the flight deck with him: Killer Moth and Zeus’s own right hand man Odysseus. Killer Moth was a surprisingly impressive guy, tall, pretty well muscled even if he looked a bit silly in Herman’s opinion with the folded moth wings on his back, but Herman wasn’t going to say anything. Odysseus was really impressive. He was tall, handsome with a head of curling blonde hair that brushed his shoulders. The man was wearing a full-on Roman like military outfit, as if he had stepped right out of a history book. He even had a helmet which he currently had tucked under his arm. 

It was fucking cool, Herman thought. 

The two men were here to make sure the shipment arrived safely. Everyone had heard about the ship that Black Manta had been on and the train with the ice. Herman shivered. At each one of those incidents, Joker and Harley Quinn had been there. That made his blood go cold. 

Joker and Harley Quinn being involved bothered him more than any other aspect of those heists. He would rather be frozen to death than hit with one of Joker’s acid flowers or his laughing gas...or Harley Quinn’s bat. All those were really rough ways to go he thought with a shudder. Though the clowns had never hijacked a blimp as far as he was aware, so maybe they were safe? 

He hoped so. 

* 

The dirigible holding Joker and Harley’s gang moved with surprising speed through the smoggy air over Gotham City. The captain, a man named Trevor, had used Gotham’s many tall buildings and the evening's natural cloudiness to hide their approach to Zeus’s ship. Trevor proved himself to be a master at hiding such a big ship in the skies. They had managed to come up from behind and could see Zeus’s airship ahead of them. 

“All right…” Trevor turned to address the gang behind him. “I can bring us up alongside the other ship, but I can’t get too close or risk puncturing the envelopes of both ships. You’ll have to swing over.” 

Joker’s eyes lit up like a child’s on Christmas morning. 

“We have to swing over...like...pirates?” he asked breathlessly. 

Trevor nodded. “Yeah, you’ll have to swing over, but you’re gonna literally swing...hav to build momentum and swing over. There’s no net. Ain’t no one catching you.” 

Selina frowned. “What about grappling hooks?” 

Trevor glared at her. “I was told to fly you over. That’s it. I am not hooking my ship to theirs and risk both ships going down. I mean, if you guys have some hooks on you to grab on, fine, but I ain’t tying my ship to theirs. You guy are supposed to take the entire ship, not just the cargo because otherwise there is no way we are getting that shit over to this ship. Once you have taken the ship, you fly it over to Penguin’s private airport. Tim here…” Trevor pointed at his copilot. “...gave the directions to your man.” Trevor pointed at Frost. “You can swing over, get in through the cargo and crew deck, and make your way to the flight deck. Penguin said he thinks the ship has about twenty guards…” 

Harley frowned. “Ah, none of us know how to fly a dirigible.” 

Trevor shrugged. “Then I suggest you don’t kill the pilot or the copilot.” 

Harley gave Trevor a dirty look, but said nothing. 

Joker turned around and counted heads. “Okay, they have at least twenty…” He mumbled to himself as he counted. “Mm...that’s more than what we have…” He glanced at Harley who smiled at him and shrugged. 

“When has that ever stopped us puddin?” 

“True. And you and I are easily worth at least a few goons each.” He nodded and wrinkled his nose at her, taking a moment to cup the side of her neck and pull Harley closer for a quick, yet passionate kiss. 

He brushed his long pointed nose against hers. “You are such a beautiful pirate captain my sweets.” 

Harley grinned, licking his lip. “You are such a good pirate prisoner puddin.” 

He smirked, his blue eyes bright. “Just wait until you torture me!” He turned his attention back to Trevor. “So I guess once we’re on the ship, you are just going to...sod off?” 

Trevor nodded. 

“I can respect that.” Joker smiled turning back to his gang and Selina. “Okay boys and girls, let’s get ready to play pirate!” 

* 

Down on the ground, Batman examined the body found in the alley just outside of Wayne Tower. Gordon was beside him, a cigar in his mouth, his hands buried in the pockets of his favorite trench coat. “So, the officer who found him thought suicide.” 

Batman glanced up at the building, then back down at the body. There wasn’t a lot there to identify, it looked as if the man had been dressed as a pirate or a clown. Batman examined the twisted arms and legs, bones having shattered and in places had broken through the skin. The body looked like a twisted, broken and bloody doll. 

“I don’t think so…” Batman said softly as he pointed at the twisted and broken right leg. There was a mark there, a tattoo, but it was hard to tell from the blood and under the mess of torn flesh and bone. “...that tattoo, I know it. Belongs to a man named Groak, works for the Joker.” 

Gordon frowned. “One of Joker’s men? Then you think Joker had something to do with this?” He motioned vaguely at the remains. 

Batman pressed his lips together, his jaw flexing before he answered. “Has anyone been to the roof?” 

Gordon nodded. “Not yet, do you want…” 

Batman pulled his grappling hook from his belt and shot it straight up. Within seconds the Bat had disappeared. 

Gordon looked up quickly, losing sight of the man in the murky night overhead as he finished his sentence. “...to look up there...I guess that’s a yes.” He muttered to himself as he turned and headed to the front of the building muttering still, “Guess I’ll just take the elevator.” 

* 

When Gordon arrived at the top of Wayne Tower, he found Batman studying the ground, then slowly following something over to the edge. Gordon walked over to him, not making a sound, but sure that Batman knew he was there. 

“Anything?” the older man asked. 

Batman nodded. “Yes, there were several people up here…” He looked at the edge. “They all got onto the ledge…” He looked out, narrowing his eyes. It was dark and the clouds were thick--thicker now than they were when he had received the call--promising rain, but he spied the shadow of two blimps in the distance. He spun around as Gordon came closer. “I have to go.” 

“What is it?” Gordon asked. 

“I don’t know yet…” Batman growled. “...but I’ll let you know.” 

* 

Joker stood in the open window, the wind whipping around and throwing his green hair around his head as he held onto the rope grinning maniacally. The other dirigible was alongside them at least several thirty feet away from them. He had stuffed his hat and wig into the inside of his coat as the wind whipped around them. He held onto the rope, the toes of his feet over the edge as he balanced himself. Harley had done the same with her hat as she stood below Joker, looking up, the wind whipping her hair into her face. 

Selina looked from where she stood in the window, her own rope in her hands. (The ropes were the ones used to attach the balloon to the ground whenever the dirigible was groundside. Trevor had left them in place, having the ropes pulled in through the windows just for this ridiculously risky maneuver they were about to perform. Selina had no doubts about her own abilities to swing from here to the other blimp, and she really didn’t doubt Joker and Harley...or even Bob, perhaps Frost. Everyone else...not so much.) 

There were a total of four long windows open right now; Joker stood in one alongside Selina and Frost. Bob was ready with Archie beside him, both holding onto their own ropes in another window alongside two other gang members, Zeppy and Clumsy, then came Topsey and Doodles, and lastly Bam Bam and Flopsy, all of them crowding the last windows. Each clown was dressed like they had stepped off the deck of Captain Hook’s ship, each holding a long rope. Each person had a grappling hook on their belts. Selina frowned, the ropes were long enough for them to swing over after a few swings to build momentum to the carriage of the other blimp, but this part was going to be tricky. The others waited to quickly take their places when the ropes were tossed back. 

Hopefully their small boarding party would be on the airship within seconds, before anyone was aware something strange was happening. The dirigible was mostly lined up with the other to allow them to swing across with hopefully only a small margin of error, but they needed to move or they wouldn’t be able to get across. And it wouldn’t take long for the pilots of Zeus’s dirigible to notice 

Trevor’s somewhat smaller air vehicle alongside them. 

Joker put his hand out to Harley. 

“Come on sweets, we’ll go over together! Just like Luke and Leia!” 

Harley giggled taking his hand. “Puddin, they were brother and sister…” 

“Ew? Really? I didn’t know that…” Joker adjusted his hold on the rope, his other arm going around Harley’s waist when she stood on the ledge with him, her arms around his shoulders. 

Selina frowned at the two of them. “I don’t think that’s such a good idea, you should go over separately….” She knew Joker was strong and dexterous, but could he swing across with Harley in his arms and get them both over to the airship safely? Who knew! Selina didn’t really like the idea of Harley falling to her death... 

Joker leaned back to look over at Selina and stuck his tongue out at her before he added. “Fuck that! I go with my girl! Besides, you see this maneuver in all the movies!” 

Harley giggled and kissed Joker’s cheek. “Yeah, we go together! It’ll be romantic!” 

Joker purred at Harley. “That’s right sweets.” 

“Won’t be romantic when you’re street pancakes,” Selina muttered. 

“Oh ye of little faith!” Joker laughed, with Harley joining in with her own giggle. 

Frost hopped down from his window, handing his rope to Selina and stepped closer to Joker and Harley. “Boss, I think Catwoman’s right. This is really dangerous…” 

“Oh stop being a spoilsport!” Joker fussed at Frost before turning to grin at Harley, his eyes twinkling. 

He gave her an affectionate squeeze. “You ready sweets?” 

Harley giggled and nodded enthusiastically. “Let’s do it puddin!!” 

Frost stepped forward, his hand out to grab at Joker, but it was too late. Joker pushed off. 

“FUCK!” Frost yelled, rushing to the window and leaning out to watch as Joker and Harley swung out, both of them laughing hundreds of feet above the buildings and streets below. 

Everyone could hear the faint sound of Joker yelling. “YIPPEE!!” He shouted while Harley squealed. “WWOOOOOO!!!” 

The rope swung back, Frost and everyone else losing sight of them as they swung under the carriage, only to have them reappear again a few seconds later. The rope swung them up closer to the other ship, Harley reached for the carriage of the other dirigible, but missed; they were short by only a few feet. 

Selina was holding her breath as the swinging rope dropped away again, disappearing before it reappeared once more. This time Harley leaned out a little further from Joker, far enough that she looked ready to topple away from him, but this time when Harley stretched her arm out, she snagged the a window ledge on the other airship. 

In a few seconds Joker and Harley had climbed onto the outside edge, letting their rope drop away. 

If anyone inside had seen them, there was no indication as Joker and Harley balanced precariously on the edge of the sunken window that was barely big enough to hold one person let alone both of them. 

Archie frowned, sounding surprised. “That was impressive... “ 

Bob nodded enthusiastically as he stared, gripping his rope with white knuckles. 

Selina saw that Joker was standing behind Harley, his booted feet on either side of her feet, his body pressing her against the glass. He had let the rope go which now swung wildly below, and he took out his own grappling hook, catching onto something above the window that Selina couldn’t see. She couldn’t even see Harley because of the way Joker had positioned himself, using his body to keep her safe. The only thing keeping Joker and Harley from behind whipped away by the brisk wind up here was Joker’s own body and his grip on the hook. 

Selina cursed under her breath. She didn’t even think to find out if they had a way of breaking the windows to get inside! She had her own cutting devices that could quickly and silently cut through just about anything, but… 

Her question was answered a few seconds later when she heard the sound of several gunshots She could see Joker holding his pistol against the sturdy glass, firing four quick shots, causing cracks to spiderweb out from the impact of his shots. Selina couldn’t see what happened next, but the glass must have broken because suddenly, Joker and Harley were gone. 

She leaned out, panic setting in as she worried they had fallen, but movement caught her eye when she saw Harley waving back enthusiastically at the same time pulling out her hat and plopping it on her head only to duck a few seconds later as gunshots were fired at them. 

* 

On the bridge Herman was sure he heard something, felt a vibration through the ship. He looked out the windows of the bridge, his eyes widening when he saw the other ship, flying without running lights. 

“Fuck!!” Herman hissed. 

Killer Moth, who had been having a conversation with Odysseus looked over at the pilot. “What’s wrong?” 

Herman pointed. “That blimp shouldn’t be that close!” 

Odysseus frowned, looking confused. “Well, surely they can’t hurt us without hurting themselves and these things aren’t armed, are they?” 

Herman frowned glaring at the other ship, he could see the other pilot and copilot, but only as shadows in the other cockpit. “No...I guess not, but I thought I felt something…” 

“Something...like what?” Killer Moth asked gruffly. 

Herman shrugged. “I don’t know, a vibration, something felt different and I thought I heard a gunshot, but…” 

“But…” Killer Moth growled and Herman let out a sigh. 

“I don’t know…” 

Odysseus smiled patting Herman on the shoulder. “We’ll go check it out. It’s probably nothing, but it won’t hurt to check.” 

Herman smiled. “Thanks.” 

Killer Moth sighed. “All right, let’s go.” 

Herman looked over his shoulder as the two men left. He was sure this easy job just got complicated. 

* 

Frost yelled. “We need to get over there!” 

He jumped up and took his rope from Selina, the man leaping without a second thought. 

Selina watched in stunned silence as the rest of the gang followed. 

* 

Harley, her heart beating fast from the adrenaline of their swing over yelped and ducked as several armed men started to fire at them. Joker, who had replaced his wig and hat on his head, grabbed Harley by her upper arm and yanked her back behind some crates just as several shots were fired, hitting the wood and sending splitters into the air. 

The room they were in was similar to the one in the dirigible they had just left. The room was a long tube with windows on either side. Trevor’s cargo and passenger space had been mostly empty, a few things had been piled in small stacks here and there, miscellaneous supplies for the airship and it’s crew. But this space was filled to the brim with crates of various sizes, the treasure of Zeus that they were here to steal! 

Joker glanced over the top of the crate they were hiding behind. A few shots rang out, splintering the wood in front of him. He yelped and ducked back down next to Harley. 

Harley was crouched next to him. “How many are there puddin?” she asked as she pulled her cutlass, and her gun as someone on the other side of the room yelled. “Whoever you are, you should just surrender now! You’re outnumbered!” 

“I’ll have you know that you’ve just been boarded by Captain Harley Quinn!!” Joker yelled back grinning at Harley. 

They both heard some muttering followed by the same person yelling back. “WHAT?” 

Harley growled. “Fuck this…” 

She popped from around the side of the crate and fired her gun, her eyes narrowed. There were at least six men here, all armed with handguns. She didn’t wait, but rushed them with her puddin following close behind her. 

All six of the guards were startled for a second by a sexy young woman dressed in an erotic pirate outfit, followed close behind by a man in a green wig and elaborate purple outfit. 

Joker laughed behind her brandishing his sword and gun. “That’s my Captain Quinn!” 

After the second of hesitation at the unusual sight of two flamboyant pirates, the six men fired frantically, clearly freaked out that two people dressed as pirates were racing toward them without looking the least bit afraid and were dodging their shots, which only freaked them out more, followed swiftly on the heels of the knowledge that these nuts were, in fact, the infamous Joker and Harley Quinn. 

Harley yelped as one bullet burned along the side of her left thigh and made her stumble. The pain burned and almost caused her to stop and drop, but she used the pain to fuel her growing anger. The fact that she was grazed by a bullet pissed her off as she lunged forward, her cutlass slicing the first man in front of her. 

The man was startled enough by the sexy blonde pirate suddenly being in front of him that he didn’t aim his weapon fast enough. Harley’s blade sliced across the man’s thighs, leaving deep bloody cuts across both thighs. Harley brought her pistol around as she spun to her feet and shot the man in the face with a smile. She was on her feet, spinning toward the next guard, her blade slicing through the gun arm of another man, cutting off the limb like a hot knife through butter. Harley sneered at the screaming man and shot him through the throat. 

The man next fired frantically at Harley. The sight of his two companions being chopped at and shot made his knees feel wobbly, his stomach threatening to disgorge its contents when the one guard’s arm hit the floor. 

Harley weaved like a dancer toward him. Her grace combined with the man’s shuddering fright made his shots go wide. Harley brought her blade down hard, her curved blade cutting through the bone of the man’s collar and into his flesh, nearly to the middle of his chest. Her weapon cut so deep that Harley couldn’t immediately yank her cutlass free. 

The guard made a gurgling sound, his eyes wide in shock as he started at Harley. 

Harley grinned, snarling. “That’s Captain Harley Quinn to you.” 

Then she shot him in the chest. 

She watched with satisfaction as the man dropped. 

Joker, following beside Harley, was grinning maniacally as he rushed into the group of men. He felt the burn of a bullet ripping through the cloth of his jacket and shirt, burning against his pale skin. He could tell, from countless wounds he had received over the years that he was going to need stitches, that he had probably lost a hunk of flesh along with the bullet, but he didn’t care. This was fun. Joker’s momentum didn’t stop until his cutlass found a home in the chest of one man. The man gasped, bloody spittle on his lips, his eyes wide as he stared at the clown. 

Joker spun, pulling the man’s body on his sword with him, his arm outstretched as he fired his gun over the man’s shoulder, hitting one man in the face, the bullet ripping through the guard’s left eye. His next two bullets hit the last guard, one between the eyes, the next in the throat, just to be sure. 

Frost burst into the room, panting, pulling his gun. “Boss!! Miss Quinn!!” 

Harley, who was struggling to get her sword out of the deadman’s body, stopped and waved at him. “Hey Frost!” 

Selina arrived a few seconds later, followed by Bob and Archie. 

Just as Flopsy landed a moment later, throwing herself through the window, followed by Doodles and Clumsy, everyone heard a couple of screams. 

Everyone rushed to the window, catching sight of Bam Bam and Topsy as they disappeared, falling into the darkness below. 

Archie muttered, watching the bodies disappear. “Lucky bastards...wish my grip wasn’t so strong…” 

“FLAP YOUR ARMS!!” Joker yelled again then sighed looking over at Harley. “Why do they never at least try it?” 

Harley shrugged. “Probably lack imagination puddin...OH puddin!! You’re shoulder!!” 

Joker frowned, his eyes going wide. “Pumpkin, your leg!” 

Harley looked down at the side of her bloody thigh. “Yeah, it's just a nick…” 

Joker rolled his shoulder, wincing a little. “Same here pumpkin.” 

Frost groaned. “You both got shot?” 

“Yes, but look what we did, in pirate style!” Joker motioned to the six bodies. 

Selina growled. “We need to move. There is no way that wasn’t heard by someone.” 

* 

“JOKER!!” They all turned as someone yelled and saw Killer Moth. The man wore green and orange horizontal striped leggings, brown combat boots, and a skin tight purple top along with a green helmet that had antenne on the top as well as large orange wings. He was holding a strange looking gun at his side. Next to him was some blonde man in Roman armor and behind them were six more guards. 

Joker spun around and grinned, giving a jolly wave as Frost examined the damage to Joker’s shoulder. “Oh, hey Mothman!” 

“It’s Killer Moth!” Killer Moth growled. “What are you doing here?? How did you get onboard?” 

Harley frowned and glared at Killer Moth while Bob did a fast bandage job on her thigh with his first aid kit from his fanny pack. “What is that?” She looked to Joker, pointing at Killer Moth with disgust. 

“That, my dear, is Mothman…” Joker began only to be interrupted by Killer Moth exclaiming through clenched teeth. “Killer Moth!! It’s Killer Moth!! It has always been Killer MOTH!” 

Harley sneered. “Touchy bug guy. Who’s the blonde?” 

“I am Odysseus! Zeus’s most trusted right hand man.” The blonde puffed his chest out. 

Harley glanced over at Joker and giggled. “I bet he is...his right hand man…” 

Joker snickered. “Boy toy sounds more like it…” 

Harley nodded her agreement and giggled. 

Killer Moth glared. “None of you are leaving here alive…” 

“Hey! That’s my line!” Joker pouted, glancing at Harley. “Hey, he stole my line!” 

Harley smiled, reaching out to caress Joker’s cheek. “Well puddin, we’re just gonna have to see if he can fly with those wings, aren’t we?” She turned her attention back to KIller Moth and Odysseus. 

“Captain Harley orders you to walk the plank!!”


	5. YooHoo (part 2)

“Walk the plank? What does that mean?” Killer Moth looked genuinely confused; quite a feat considering the man was wearing a pair of wings and a helmet that made him look like he had a moth head.. 

Harley growled, which gave Joker delightful shivers. “It means that this here airship is ours!!” 

She threw her arm up holding her saber high, then looked back at their small assembled team and groaned with a roll of her eyes. “You guys are supposed to cheer!” 

Archie threw his arms up and said in a deadpan voice. “Yeah!” 

Bob threw his arms up in the air, smiling brightly without a word. The remaining members of their gang gave half-hearted sounding cheers. 

Joker shook his head. “Well that’s just pathetic.” 

Selina sighed turning her attention to Killer Moth and Odysseus. “Look, how much is Maxie paying you for this job? Maybe we can come to some sort of understanding?” 

Odysseus pulled out a xiphos sword from seemingly nowhere on his person. Harley hissed to Joker, “I want to know where he was keeping that ‘cause I didn’t see it. 

Joker snickered and said loudy, “Maybe it was in his Keister wallet?” Harley groan and shuddered at that thought. 

The sword wielding Odysseus said in a loud commanding voice. “I cannot be bought! My devotion to my God is absolute!!” He puffed his chest out. “You, foul harlot, have nothing that you would persuade me away from my God.” 

Joker smiled devilishly while he reloaded his gun and glanced at Selina. “Well darling, I think your charms are wasted on that one. Frost, you wanna flirt with him?” 

Frost made a face. “No thank you Boss.” 

Joker nodded his head in understanding then grinned. “Well I guess we’re just gonna have to fight and see if Oddie’s god makes him death proof or not.” 

Odysseus bristled. “My God is with me always! And my name is Odysseus!” 

Joker snickered. “Oh, he is funny. ‘My God is with me always!’” he said in a mocking tone before adding. “He’s a hoot!” 

“Which one do you want puddin?” Harley asked with a grin. “The Mothman or Oddie there?” 

“My name is Killer Moth!” Killer Moth shouted, his rising anger making his mask hot while his hand on his weapon tightened. 

Joker shivered bringing his hands up to his face like he was a scared little child. “Oh don’t hurt me Mothman.” 

Harley snickered and added, “Yeah, we don’t wanna get beaten to a pulp by his dusty soft wings!” 

Joker laughed then added. “That might be kink poo!” 

“Oh like tickling!” Harley grinned then winked at Joker. “Might be a torture I’ll have to inflict on you to get you to tell me where that map is.” 

Joker grinned brightly. “Oh no!” 

Killer Moth growled out something profanity laced, but hard to make out before he said more clearly while waving his strange looking gun that looked like it had more in common with a water gun than an actual weapon. “You two are fucking sick!” 

Odysseus puffed his ample chest muscles out again. “I do not battle women.” 

Harley blinked. “Whoa...sexist much?” 

Odysseus glared at her. “Women are not warriors, women are for the hearth and bearing children.” 

Selina growled. “Oh really? How about I claw your eyes out?” 

Harley curled her lip. “Well let’s see if a woman can kick your sorry dress-wearing ass back to the century you belong to you...you...Zeus fucker!” 

Joker shook his head laughing at Harley before he gestured for everyone to calm down. “Ladies, ladies, while I know the two of you would have Oddie crying, why not let me take care of him? He’ll just refuse to fight you, so let me be the one to teach him a lesson.” 

Odysseus gave Joker a withering look. “You? You are barely a man, you poof.” 

Joker hissed. “Poof? Really?” Joker looked at Harley and then at everyone else in the room. “Did he just call me a poof?” 

Harley smiled. “Well puddin, you do have nice soft poofy hair.” 

Joker grinned pulling her close with one arm around her waist. “You like my hair sweets?” 

“Yeah I do puddin,” Harley purred and Joker purred in return. “You wanna kiss a killer with poofy hair?” 

“Oh yeah, I do.” Harley grabbed his face and gave him an almost obscene kiss with a lot of tongue. 

Selina sighed, shaking her head, but she had to smile a little. The two of them were ridiculous, but one couldn’t deny they were completely into each other. 

Killer Moth yelled, his voice dripping with annoyance. “All right that’s enough! You two freaks are going to go flying without any wings!” He brought his gun up. “Let’s finish this!” 

Joker sucked on Harley’s bottom lip for a couple of seconds, pulling her lip with his before letting her go, and rubbed his nose against hers. “You hear that sweets? The boys over there wanna a fight.” 

Harley reached up to run her finger along the bridge of Joker’s nose. “Well, let’s give it to them puddin.” 

He kissed the tip of her nose. “Tear his wings off for me pumpkin.” 

“You got it puddin.” Harley giggled, then just as suddenly the two pirate clad clowns were moving. 

Selina and the rest of their small gang barely had time to realize what was happening before Joker and Harley moved. She didn’t have time to think too much about what they were doing before the men with Killer Moth and Odyessus swamed toward them, guns out. Selina pulled her whip with a grin. Time to teach some little boys not to pet kitty cats that didn’t want to be touched. She snapped her whip with glee and leapt to the attack. 

* 

Harley, flung her hat away, had her saber out, and her gun in her other hand. For a second she looked as if she was heading toward Odysseus and Joker was moving beside her--was rushing toward Killer Moth with his own sword and gun out--but at the last second they switched. 

Doing an armless cartwheel, Harley landed in front of Killer Moth with a grin, her long frock coat doing nothing to impede her movements, her feet hitting the floor with a hard thump. Drury Walker, a.k.a. Killer Moth, yelped in surprise when the pretty blonde landed in front of him unexpectedly. He hadn’t expected her to move so quickly or to perform a flip in the cramped space. She was gorgeous, especially in the kinky pirate outfit she was wearing and if the circumstances had been different, he would have been impressed with her acrobatics. But right now he was angry and maybe just slightly terrified that she could move so fast. He realized that he might just be at a disadvantage. 

Killer Moth just barely had time to duck to avoid her sword that she swung at his head the moment she landed in front of him. Ideally he would have enough space to get some lift, his wings allowing him the ability to fly, which would have given him a distinct advantage, but in this tight space, he couldn’t use them and they were more of a hindrance than a boon. He pulled his gun around. The device didn’t actually have bullets, but the cocooning substance in the weapon could stop an opponent cold. Once wrapped by his cocooning material, his victim would slowly suffocate as the stuff quickly dried, breaking bones and squeezing internal organs much like a boa constrictor. It was a painful way to die--which he was proud of--but as he brought his weapon up to fire at Harley, she danced out of the way. His shot went wide and hit the back of one of his own men who was fighting with some big bald guy wearing a tutu. 

Drury turned to fire at her again, but Harley leaped back, doing an impressive backflip, and landed on the top of one of the many crates in the room. She was grinning like a maniac. 

One of their men rushed Harley, carrying a fire axe that he must have grabbed from the doorway and swung at her feet. Harley laughed and leapt up, the man’s swing missing her by a wide margin. Killer Moth fired his weapon again, but Harley was fast and nimble, his shot splattering against the far wall. The goon trying to get her with the axe brought the axe up in another attack, but Harley blocked it with her sword. The two of them crossed weapons, with Harley jumping from different boxes while Killer Moth tried to get a bead on her, but she was moving too fast and his goon kept getting in the way. He couldn’t believe that crazy bitch was laughing as her sword slammed against her opponent’s axe. 

* 

Joker grinned at Odysseus, brushing his frock coat back before holding his arms out with his weapons in his hands and shrugged. 

“Shall we dance darling??” He batted his eyelashes at the big man. 

“I am no man’s darling!” Odysseus growled, lifting his weapon. 

“Oh I don’t know...big boy like you in a little tiny skirt? I’m sure you’re someone’s darling.” Joker waggled his green eyebrows from under his wig at the other man. 

“I belong only to Zeus!” Odysseus declared raising his sword higher, taking up a fighting stance clearly getting agitated. 

“Well see there, I was right.” Joker beamed proudly only to yelp as Odysseus took a swing at him, catching Joker’s hat with his blade and ripping both hat and wig off the clown’s head. 

Joker wailed. “MY HAT!! You PRICK! I looked really good in that!!” 

Odysseus' answer was to snarl and lunge. Joker used his saber to force Odysseus' weapon down, the two men spinning around. Odysseus brought his blade up and the two of them lunged, parried, riposted, and slashed, their swords clashing back and forth. Joker grinned the entire time, clearly enjoying himself as the two men circled each other. 

“You know Oddie, you really shouldn’t have said those things to my girl. I really didn’t like it.” Joker spoke matter-of-factly while keeping up a quick response to Odysseus’s slashes and stabs and chops. Their weapons clashed loudly over the sounds of gunfire, fists, and a whip. 

The big man snarled and swung his blade with the full length of his arm, the sword extended out, forcing Joker to lean out of the way or have his throat slashed. 

Joker laughed. “Ooh, that was close Oddie!” 

Odysseus roared and slashed low, catching Joker along his leg, but while he landed a blow, the cut was superficial, cutting deep enough that the wound would scar, but not enough to stop Joker from lunging forward with his own blade, a bright, manic smile on his face, while the blue eyes in his pale face burned with unnatural fire. 

* 

Frost ducked and fired, catching his opponent in the chest. Using guns in this space was tricky. It wasn’t open enough and there was just as much chance a stray bullet could ricochet and hurt someone he didn’t intend to hurt. There had been a few ricochets so far, so even the bad guys (Haha that was funny he thought, the Boss would appreciate that joke...the bad guys...) had mostly stopped using their guns after one of them got nicked by his friend’s bullet. 

Frost had just turned at the sound of another gunshot, the sound deafening in this enclosed space, just in time to see Clumsy go down, holding his throat. Blood spurted out from between his fingers like he was holding a cut hose that was spraying everywhere coating everyone close to him in dark red blood. 

Frost turned to see one of Killer Moth’s goon’s holding a smoking gun, the one that must have fired the bullet that ripped through Clumsy’s artery. Frost brought his gun up and fired, anger making him act before he thought better of using his gun again. The bullet flew through the space, Frost’s aim true, and caught the man who had killed Clumsy in the forehead. 

Frost’s attention was on the man who had killed Clumsy, so he didn’t see the man coming up on his left side until the fire extinguisher slammed him in the side of the head. 

* 

Drury brought his gun up and fired. 

The thick, sticky webbing that he had invented himself shot out, but Harley leapt gracefully out of the way with a laugh. 

“That’s gross!!” she yelled, just as she kicked the axe wielding goon in the face, knocking him away from her, and giving her time to hop away. 

She gasped when she landed looking at the place where some of Drury’s cocooning mixture hit a crate. “OH my God it’s a cum gun!! EWWW!!” 

Killer Moth yelled back. “It’s NOT A CUM GUN!! IT’S A COCOON GUN!!” 

“Yeah right!” Harley yelled with a giggle. “CUM GUN!! EVERYONE!! MOTHMAN MADE A CUM GUN!!” 

Drury snarled. “BITCH!” 

Harley heard Joker’s manic giggling in response to her yell, which only made her laugh a little more. At least her puddin appreciated her humor! 

She surprised Drury again when she jumped off the crate, doing a forward flip to land in front of him and cut through the tubing on his webbing gun with her sword. The tubing connected the small canister of liquid on his gun to the barrel and Harley’s cutting the tube made the gun essentially useless. The liquid spilled out at Drury’s feet, forcing Moth to jump back or risk being stuck in his own sticky creation and have his feet crushed as the liquid dried and constricted. 

“You bitch!” he yelled again, dropping his now useless gun, followed with a slash at her with the back of his arm in a surprisingly quick move. His arm impacted with Harley’s shoulder before she could move out of the way. Harley yelped in surprised pain and jumped back from her opponent, putting some distance between her and Moth, her shoulder throbbing with pain. She looked down at her shoulder. Along her shoulder and collarbone, she saw tiny puncture marks in the cloth of her outfit and bright red blood soaked her top. She peeled the cloth back and could see puncture holes in her skin oozing blood. She looked up in shock only now seeing that Killer Moth’s arms were lined with tiny fine needles, like moth hairs, that she hadn’t noticed before. 

Killer Moth sneered at her and pulled out a long curved dagger with serrated edges on both sides. 

He moved the blade back and forth reminding Harley of some villain in an Indiana Jones movie. “You think I'm a joke bitch? Let’s see if you think my name’s funny when I plunge a dagger into your gut.” 

Harley smiled slowly and began to chuckle. “I think you are one of the biggest jokes I’ve ever seen Mothman. Is ‘bitch’ the most creative name you can come up with?? Sad really...but what can I expect from a Moth.” 

Killer Moth screamed, “IT’S KILLER MOTH!!” 

“Keep telling yourself that.” Harley giggled. 

He lunged at her, slashing at her head. Harley ducked before she turned and ran jumping up on some of the crates. 

Killer Moth yelled after her. “That’s right, run bitch!!” 

Harley turned around and smacked her ass at him. “Oooh I’m so scared of a giant moth!! Come get me Mothman.” 

“IT’S KILLER MOTH!!” Drury ran after Harley, nearly blind rage. 

* 

Frost swayed, the impact of the extinguisher knocking him silly for a moment. Bob hurried to his side, using his fist on top of the head of the goon who had hit Frost with the fire extinguisher. 

The impact of Bob’s fist made a loud crunch and the man’s head went too far down, his neck broken. Bob pushed the goon out of the way and grabbed Frost, pulling him protectively against his chest. 

“I'm okay.” Frost leaned into Bob, patting the big man’s chest. “Thanks.” 

Bob nodded, but kept a hold of Frost regardless, making Frost smile. Bob, the gang’s protective big brother, he thought. 

* 

The sounds of their blades clashing was loud despite the other noise going on in the cramped quarters. Joker pushed back, trying to force the big man into a corner, but Odysseus launched forward. He was a fairly strong man, Joker noted as the big man brought his sword down, followed with a thrust upward in an underhanded attack with his sword that forced Joker to lean out of the way or take the point of the blade through his chin. Joker narrowed his eyes, his smile never leaving his face as he used his own sword to slam the other man’s blade back, forcing Odysseus’ sword down. His blade attack was followed by punching the man in the nose with the fist of his hand that held his gun. 

Odysseus' head snapped back bright red blood bursting from his nostrils. 

Joker laughed. “Ouchie!” 

Odysseus growled and answered Joker’s mocking with another lunge forward in almost a classic fencer’s pose, nicking Joker across the ribs, his sharp blade cutting through Joker’s coat and shirt before biting into his pale skin even as Joker spun out of the way. 

Joker took a couple of quick steps backward laughing. “Oh, look at you Oddie! I bet old Zeusy just loves you.” 

“Speak not of my God you hee hawing jester!” Odysseus hissed, which only made Joker laugh a little louder. 

“Hee hawing Jester?? Oh that’s a new one! I love it!! Let’s see…” Joker and Odysseus clashed blades, Joker almost absentmindedly blocking the other man as he placed the barrel of his gun against his red lips in thought, an amused expression playing across his face. 

“Mm...I need a good nickname for you other than Oddie...OH!! I know!! Zeus’s Lightning Rod Sucker!” 

Odysseus roared, anger blinding him, which only served to amuse Joker more. The two danced around, blades clashing back and forth with Joker landing a nick across the other man’s shoulder. Odysseus’s face turned red from fury. He launched a quick series of slashes, all aimed at Joker’s face, his teeth grinding together as the red in his face raced to his ears and down his neck. Joker idly wondered if his opponent could turn into a raging red monster. 

Joker dodged each strike, his eyes flashing, but his grin never wavered. Just when Odysseus was close enough, Joker surprised the big man by turning sideways and bringing his arm up, using his elbow to smash him once more in the nose with a vicious jab. 

“You know, you’re right Oddie, that’s just too long a name for you. We’ll stick to Oddie.” Joker grinned, licking his lips. 

Stumbling back with a fresh wave of pain in his nose that spread out to envelop his entire face, he saw stars. Odysseus shook his head, looking slightly stunned. Joker watched as the other man weaved in place for a second, but he didn’t press his advantage, not just yet. Playing with the big lug was too much fun to end it too quickly. 

The big Greek Zeus lover’s nose was broken for sure this time, Joker thought with a grin. He had felt the bone snap and the cartilage grind against itself. Joker had broken enough noses in his day--and had enough broken noses--to know one when he felt it. 

Odysseus blinked, taking a few precious seconds to clear his vision not realizing that Joker wasn’t going in for the attack. 

“Let me know when you’re ready Oddie. I’ll wait.” Joker’s smile was patient which irritated the other man beyond reason. 

“I’ll kill you clown!” Odysseus growled wiping blood from his lips. 

“Oh, I’m sure you’ll try handsome, I’m sure you’ll try.” Joker wrinkled his nose playfully and held his sword up, waggled his eyebrows at the other man. “Shall we?” 

Odysseus slashed at Joker’s head, but the clown ducked and danced away, taking a slash at Odysseus's torso. The big man jumped back out of the way, Joker’s blade cutting through air a few inches short of its mark. They twisted around each other, each taking a slash at the others torso, the legs, the head, neither landing a blow. Joker looked as if he was dancing while Odysseus looked to be struggling to keep himself focused. 

Lunging at Joker, using his strength and size to force Joker back, Odysseus fought harder, slashing and jabbing with his sword and landed another hit. His sword caught Joker in the shoulder with an overhead chopping motion, the blade slicing into Joker’s shoulder, slicing through cloth and flesh as Joker danced out of the way a moment too late. 

His shoulder was soaked instantly with blood as he felt the wound. Joker sucked in a breath in pain. The cut felt deep, but not enough to put him at a disadvantage; at least not for a little while. Joker had been hurt, beaten by the best. This cut was inconvenient, nothing more, but it still made him angry. 

Odysseus laughed. “Now who’s laughing clown! You will be a sacrifice to my god and then I shall kill your harlot. I will bring your heads to Zeus and he will heap rewards on me!” 

Joker’s smile didn’t falter, but his eyes flashed an ice cold blue. “No one touches my girl Oddie.” Joker holstered his gun since he wasn’t planning on using it, especially now. He dipped his fingers into the blood on his shoulder then slowly, to Odysseus’ horror, Joker painted a smile across his face, stretching the grin up each side of his pale cheeks. “There now, isn't that grand? You’re never fully dressed without a smile they say.” Joker winked at Odysseus. “Now, let’s finish this darling.” 

* 

Harley kicked a random goon in the face as she leaped up onto one of the crates, sending the random man stumbling back toward Selina who wrapped her whip around his throat and yanked the man toward her. Harley giggled and turned around just as Killer Moth stabbed at her with his dagger. She barely missed taking a knife wound in her knee cap, jumping out of the way and slashing at Moth’s head with her sword to give herself some room. She gritted her teeth and jumped up to a slightly taller crate then shoved a smaller crate that lay nearby her at him. 

Killer Moth brought his arm up to block the crate from hitting him in the face. “God damn bitch!!” 

Harley laughed, jumping away again. “That really is the only word you know isn’t it??” 

“Just hold still and let me kill you, ya stupid girl!” Drury yelled. 

Harley laughed. “Why the fuck would I do that?!” She gave him a genuinely intrigued look and asked, “Does anyone ever do that in a fight?” 

Killer Moth answered with a growl and a lunge. He feinted high, then lashed out with his blade in a low attack that caught Harley along the back of her thigh as she tried to sidestep her opponent’s attack. It was a shallow wound, but it stung like a son-of-a-bitch followed by a hot flood of blood. She stumbled, almost failing to get out of the way of another slash. Killer Moth chuckled. 

“Not so sassy now are you?” he jeered. 

Harley grunted as she realized she had climbed the crates back to a dead end. She spun around holding her sword up in a defensive position. “I have the high ground Anakin,” she announced in her best upper British accent. 

Killer Moth looked confused. Harley groaned in disappointment. “Oh come on. Fuck this.” She turned around, switching her gun to her right hand and her sword to her left, aiming her gun at Killer Moth, but the man surprised her and threw his knife. 

Harley let out a startled cry of pain as the knife hit her, sinking into her upper arm, sliding between muscle and scraping against bone. Her gun hand spasmed with pain and Killer Moth lunged, grabbing her wrist, tried to yank her forward. Harley just reacted, didn’t give the move any thought before she had brought her left hand holding the sword up and sliced downward, the blade cutting through Drury’s forearm at the elbow in a clean attack, cutting through flesh and bone as Harley chopped off his arm. 

Killer Moth screamed in shock and agony. 

Harley looked surprised, then cried out trying to shake the now dismembered arm away from her since Killer Moth’s hand still held her wrist. “EWW!!” 

He stumbled back against a crate and slipped to the ground holding his now severed limb by the elbow watching the blood flowing from it and screaming as shock set in. 

* 

Odysseus and Joker clashed swords, but when Joker heard Harley’s cry of pain he turned, giving Odysseus the chance to strike Joker across the face with his fist that held his sword, bloodying both Joker’s nose and lip. 

Joker’s head snapped to the side, blood flooding his mouth for a moment. His heart was hammering. He had heard Harley cry out in pain, that was all he could focus on, that Harley was in pain, Harley had been hurt. Joker saw red for a split second before he snarled and started to really fight Odysseus. 

Up until this point, Odysseus realized that Joker hadn’t been giving the fight his full attention, but now the change in the clown was startling. Joker’s moved with skill, blocking the bigger man’s attacks and slashing at Odysseus, forcing the trained sword fighter to retreat, their arms a blur of motion. 

Joker's grin was cold, frightening, and it never left his face. 

* 

Selina finished off her opponent, knocking the man out by yanking him forward with her whip, slammed his head against the wall when she heard Harley’s scream. She glanced toward Joker just as the clown was struck by Odysseus. She hissed then saw the change in Joker’s entire stance; he had clearly heard Harley too. 

She started to move to find Harley when she saw Frost, the man was being held protectively by Bob and Archie was just finishing off his last opponent, using what looked like a baton to club his foe, when Frost’s attention was drawn to the sound of Harley’s scream. 

They both looked at each other and nodded. 

Selina took off toward Harley. 

Frost turned toward the Boss and could tell, Joker was beyond angry...furious. 

Archie groaned and flexed his fingers before he muttered. “No one even hit me. This sucks.” 

Frost glanced at Archie. “Sorry man.” 

“If you were really sorry for me, you’d toss me out a window, but you won’t.” Archie sighed with resignation. 

* 

Joker moved swiftly. He needed this fight over, needed to get to Harley. Odysseus’s swings were losing strength, the man was getting tired, swearing, but he still wasn’t going to wear out fast enough for Joker’s satisfaction. When Odysseus lunged once more at Joker, trying to stab him in the chest and end the fight, Joker parried the other man’s sword out wide with his own curved blade. He took a calculated risk and followed that move by kicking Odysseus between the legs. The man wore what equated to a skirt in his ancient Roman-like armor and Joker was willing to bet the man wasn’t wearing a cup. Odysseus let out an agonized groaned that was low and strangled. He grabbed himself as if he could save his nether regions from the pain that now radiated through his entire body followed by a wave of nausea. He tried to maintain his feet, but Odysseus and fell forward onto his knees. At the same time Joker raised his sword over his head and brought it down hard, the blade cutting into the man’s shoulder, slicing through the collarbone until it stopped halfway through Odysseus’s chest.. 

The man’s eyes widened in shock. 

He blinked several times looking up at Joker as if he could not fully comprehend what had just happened. Joker smiled and reached for his sword, giving it a yank, but it was stuck firm and deep in Odysseus’s torso. Blood bubbled from Odysseus’ lips while he simply stared up at Joker who sighed and shrugged. 

“It’s stuck. I guess people really do suck.” Joker shook his head and turned, rushing off to find Harley, leaving Odysseus to fall on his side, spasming for a few seconds before he finally stopped, his eyes half-closed and seeing nothing. 

* 

Joker rushed past Killed Moth who was either dead or passed out--he didn’t know which and he didn’t care. The rest of the goons were dead too. Joker noticed that Clumsy was dead, but didn’t take any real note of the henchman’s death. When he arrived at Harley’s side, Selina and Bob had removed the knife from her arm and Bob was wrapping the wound tightly with some bandages from his fanny pack. 

When Harley saw Joker, her face, which was a little pale, brightened. “Puddin!!!” 

“How’s my pumpkin poo?” Joker asked sitting down on the crate next to Harley and gently pulled her close, slipping his arm around her waist. 

“Oh puddin you’re hurt!” Harley exclaimed seeing the various wounds on Joker. With Harley tended to, the big man turned his attention to Joker, inspecting the wound on his shoulder as being the worst of his several cuts and nicks. 

“I’m fine poo,” Joker cooed reaching up to brush her lips with one finger. “Well done Captain Harley,” he murmured. “We just have to take over the wheel of this here vessel and the ship is ours!” Joker winked at her. 

Harley giggled. “We would have made awesome pirates!” 

Joker nodded giggling. “Hell yeah we would have.” 

“You are both crazy,” Selina said with a shake of her head, but they both just laughed. 

* 

Taking the airship after the fight was easy. There were only a small handful of men remaining on the ship, and they were not interested in fighting once their big, bad leaders were gone, especially after seeing that they would have to fight against Joker and Harley. (Even wounded, the remaining crew were scared of the two clowns.) Their group made their way to the cockpit of the airship where they found the pilot. 

Harley kicked open the door, her gun in her good hand. “All right!! Give up the ship, ya bilge sucking rascals or get keelhauled!!” 

Herman jumped a foot and spun around, his hands going up in the air. He had a gun in here, hidden in a compartment near the floor, but his life was far more valuable to him than Maxie Zeus’ treasure and if these guys had taken care of Odysseus and Killer Moth, then what chance did he have? Herman was many things, but overly stupid wasn’t one of them. 

“I give up!” Herman yelled. 

Selina smiled as she slipped past Harley. “Now…” 

Joker pouted. “Wait...that’s it? We’re not going to keelhaul him? Because that sounds fun! I’ve never keelhauled anyone before!” 

Selina sighed. “Joker, we need him to fly the ship.” 

“Well I bet I could fly it. You know I have my pilot’s licence don’t you?” Joker pouted, sticking his bottom lip out even further. 

Harley nodded with a smile. “He does!! Fly Jokerair!! We only throw out the most unruly of passengers.” 

Joker laughed stepping up beside Harley and putting his arm around her waist. “I bet I can fly this.” 

Selina glanced at Frost for support, but Frost only shrugged. 

Selina sighed again before taking a breath. “Look, let’s just let this nice gentleman get us to where we need to go. I bet you two would like to go home for some....” She motioned absently with her hand. “...ah...bootknocking.” Selina rolled her eyes at herself, but she plastered on a smile. “So keeping our pilot here alive will get you both home a lot faster for that.” 

Harley frowned at Selina then looked over at her puddin. “You know puddin, I think she’s right.” Harley grinned slowly reaching up to caress his bottom lip with her finger. “Remember, I promised you some interrogation with a lot of sucking.” 

Joker’s blue eyes sparkled. “OOooh...yeah. Okay, you get to live…” He motioned absently at the pilot who sighed with relief only to stiffen again as Joker turned his attention back to the man and tilted his head. “What’s your name by the way?” 

“Herman.” Herman was proud that his tone didn’t have a tremor in it when he spoke. 

“Well Herman, you are a very lucky man today because the Cat Lady is right! I want to get home and take my one-eyed pirate snorkeling!” Joker laughed. 

Harley giggled pushing Joker up against a wall. “Set sail Herman!!” she cried out before she turned her smile on Joker. “How about a little preview?” she purred, her hands on his chest and looked up at him with the devil in her gaze. 

Joker grinned looking down at her and whispered. “I am at your mercy, Captain Harley.” 

Harley snickered. “Good.” 

She kissed him hard and deep. 

Frost sighed and hoped they would wait until they were off the dirigible at least. 

* 

Hours later Joker slumped in the back of the car that Frost was driving to take them home. Joker’s wig and hat were on the floor of the car along with Harley’s hat. Harley sighed happily leaning against his good shoulder. After they had brought the ship in, Bob had insisted on doing a more thorough bandaging of their wounds, especially once he had access to his full medical kit that was kept in the car. The big man stitched them both up before applying new bandages and fresh antibiotics over the wounds. He also gave them each a dilaudid for the pain, (or in Joker’s case, he needed four just to feel something close to a buzz and some pain relief.) 

Now they were finally on their way home. It was late, the sun was just beginning to peak over the horizon. Bob was snoring softly from the front seat with his arm around Archie who was also asleep leaning against the big guy. Frost had his eyes on the road, keeping an eye out for Batman or any other of Gotham’s vigilantes while he drove. 

Joker murmured softly, his arm around Harley, stroking her shoulder lazily while trying not to squeeze her too hard against him and hurt her shoulder. 

“You were the sexiest pirate I’ve ever seen,” Joker murmured gently. “I would follow you anywhere captain.” He smirked. “Looking forward to my interrogation.” 

Harley giggled, the dilaudid making her feel really good. “Thank you puddin…” She was quiet for a few seconds before she reached over and slid her hand between his legs, squeezing gently. “I don’t see why I shouldn’t start my interrogation now…” 

“I submit to my captain’s whim.” Joker’s voice was a low purr followed by a grunt as Harley’s massaging became more aggressive. 

“Mmm...good because your captain has many whims.” Harley giggled, turning to kiss him. 

* 

Frost heard them moving in the back and glanced in his rearview, then blushed. He was actually surprised they waited this long… 

He turned his focus to the road and listened to Bob’s snoring instead of what was going on in the back seat. He smiled just a little. At least they were all going home alive...most of them...The people that were important Frost thought. 

* 

Harley slid her hand inside Joker’s pants, finding his erection that had hardened the moment her hand touched him. She licked her lips. He felt so warm and hard, and she loved the way he felt in her hand. She stroked her hand up and down slowly while leaning in to lick his throat. Joker groaned again, thrusting his pelvis a little into her grip making Harley feel a rush of aching heat between her legs. Mmm...he was so hot she thought to herself. She loved the little sounds he made when she touched him. 

She pulled her hand away, thinking to pull his erection free so she could do her promised sucking when Joker hissed. 

“Since we’re both captains, I think that I should be allowed to do a little sucking myself.” Joker smiled and reached over lightly to trace her nipple through her top, the corset presenting her breasts in such an enticing way that made his mouth water just looking at her. “A little double interrogation.” He chuckled before brushing the tips of his fingers over the tops of her breasts. “A little parley?” he added with a playful lift of one green brow. 

Harley smirked back at him. “Oh really...I think I could be persuaded by Captain Joker.” She giggled and pulled away from him. Joker watched her, the passing streetlight catching his eyes and causing them to glow while Harley unbuttoned her frock coat, carefully sliding it off her bandaged arm, dropping it to the floor of the car. She grinned at him and slowly reached under her skirt, lifting her rear off the seat and pulled her panties away, sliding them down over her boots. She held them up a moment with a grin on her lips before dropping them to the floor. 

Joker growled with pleasure and anticipation as Harley ordered him in a seductive, yet commanding voice. “On your back prisoner, we’re going to do the most torturous of tortures.” 

Joker’s brows climbed his forehead. “Oh...what devilry do you have planned for me Captain Harley?” 

Harley grinned and whispered like she was revealing the most horrible of tortures. “The sixty-nine...” 

Joker giggled and quickly moved to comply with Harley’s orders. It was a little tight in the back seat with both of them moving into position. (Frost had no idea what was going on back there, but they were making a lot of noise. He was surprised the two of them didn’t wake Bob and Archie.) After a couple of bad positions, and awkward twists, complicated by Joker being so long limbed and tall, Joker eventually lay comfortably on his back, head against the door, one leg bent, the other on the floor with Harley over him. 

Harley was limber enough that she had no problem positioning herself over him, her knees bent with her ankles crossed above his head. 

Grinning, Joker reached up and caressed the bare skin of her rear, marveling as he always did at how soft her skin was, like silk. The pain meds that Bob had given him were working to give him a light buzz, making him feel good, relaxed, and not affecting his need for Harley one bit. 

His fingers stroked down the sides of her hips grinning a little wider when he felt the goosebumps on her skin. He licked his lips gazing up at her sex, a hovering, wet flower, waiting for his lips and tongue. He could feel Harley pulling his erection free with one hand, her other hand gripping his knee until he felt a rush of cold air against his hot skin and Harley’s happy little giggle. He made a deep groan when she touched him, he always loved her touching him. Gentle touches always irritated him unless it was Harley. She was the only person in the world who could caress him. He never wanted anyone to touch him other than Harley. 

He let out another low groan. Her hand felt warm, her grip firm as she wrapped her fingers around him. Her touch was quickly followed by the brush of her lips, using the head of his erection to trace the outline of her gorgeous lips. He thrust his hips just a little in response, but then he felt her tongue as Harley slowly dragged the flat of her tongue over the head of his erection, sending a shuddering wave of need through his entire body. 

Joker grabbed her hips with a grunting moan, his pale fingers pressing into her soft peaches and cream skin. He responded to her lick by drawing her hips down to him. He leaned into her, letting her scent envelope him as he dragged his tongue over her sex with a groan of pleasure, his arms wrapped around her, spreading his fingers wide he grabbed her ass and pressed his tongue into her while his body stiffened with Harley’s attentions. 

The wet, smooth feel of Joker’s tongue against her clitoris made Harley jerk. He gripped her hard, his fingers massaging her ass while his tongue slipped into her then out to lick all of her. He kissed her, tugging lightly at her intimate lips with his before he went back to tracing her sex with the tip of his long tongue. 

He used the tip of his tongue to trace of outline of her sex, exploring every millimeter of her, pulling her up further to flick her clitoris with the tip of his tongue, making Harley spasm and jerk on top of him in response to his probing. His giggle rolled through her better than any vibrator, especially when he caught her clitoris with his lips and sucked gently, tiny little sucks that made her jerk in delight. 

Responding to the pleasure of Joker’s tongue, Harley wrapped her mouth around her husband’s erection, groaning and jerking again when Joker flicked her clitoris with his tongue before opening his mouth a little wider and licking her again with the flat of his tongue. 

Shuddering, Harley sucked on just the head of his shaft, her tongue slipping and sliding over him, followed by her gentle sucking. Feeling him tremble under her made her shiver. She loved the feeling of her puddin going weak. She smiled wider still when his bent leg jerked, his foot slamming against the car door. 

She bobbed her head, sliding her lips down as far as she could, taking as much of him into her mouth as possible, holding him there, sucking just a little before slowly dragging her lips up again. She pressed her lips firmly to his penis, then bobbed down again, her tongue weaving back and forth. When she felt the warm breath of his groan against her sex, she shuddered and bobbed her head again, a slow, steady up and down, her tongue weaving once more like a snake against the underside of his shaft that sent tingles up his spine. 

Joker groaned using his fingers to spread her a little wider and allowing him to lick more of her. He pulled her up just a little more so he could suck on her clitoris with more vigor, thoroughly licking her. When Harley made the most delicious sounds, jerking and shivering each time he sucked on her clitoris or thrust his tongue inside of her, Joker groaned in response. God he loved the sounds she made! 

Harley answered his attentions with deeper sucks on him, bobbing her head in slow, sensual motions, her lips pressed tight against him and making Joker jerk and twitch. She kept deep throating him until he was jerking with the agony of holding himself back. She wasn’t giving him a moment to recover before her wicked tongue snaked up and down the underside of his erection followed by more gentle, but still firm sucking. 

Joker whimpered, dropping his head back. “Harley...I’m gonna cum…” 

She didn’t answer him; instead she smiled. God damn it he could feel her smile on his penis! His body started to tighten, tension building while Harley sped up her sucking and bobbing, Not too fast, just enough that he was starting to squirm. 

He practically attacked her, finding her clitoris again and sucking gently, but firmly. At the same time, he slipped two of his fingers into her dripping wet opening and started to fuck her with his fingers while he continued his tongue assault on her clitoris. He smiled when he felt his lover’s response, a muffled cry followed by her own squirming. He continued, feeling the tension in her body building, her pelvis thrusting back a little more forcefully, her muffled groans and occasional squeak telling him she was coming closer and closer to orgasm. Her response combined with the feel of her mouth on him, the deep sucking, slippery pleasure of her tongue had him jerking and thrusting lightly. 

He squeezed his eyes closed, tensing… 

Harley whimpered. She was teetering on the precipice of her orgasm, her body so tense she thought she might explode. She wrapped her hand around Joker and began to stroke him at the same time she sucked on his erection. He had grown harder, she could feel that building tension… 

Joker’s entire body jerked suddenly and Harley tasted the hot blast of stickiness in her mouth followed by his long, deep groans against her clitoris. She swallowed and kept going, taking every bit he had to offer, but at the same time her puddin’s orgasm broke her, causing Harley to fall over the side of her precipice into an orgasm that blinded her...or maybe it was the drugs...she made desperate little whimpers of pleasure sucking on Joker until he had stopped spurting into her mouth. Her body jerked and rippled with the long flowing length of her own orgasm that Joker extended with his pleasurable growling accompanied by his licking up her own climax. 

* 

The two of them stumbled up the stairs to their room giggling. Joker’s pants were still undone, the only thing keeping him from exposing himself to Frost, Archie, and Bob was the fact that he had pulled his frock coat around himself while Harley’s skirt kept her mostly covered. She had her frock coat over her arm, her panties no where in sight, probably in the car. Frost had become an expert at “not seeing” nearly anything the Boss and Miss Quinn didn’t want him to see. He’d become good enough he knew he could pass a polygraph without lying. 

Bob put more dilaudid into Harley’s hand with a hard stare. “I know, take another and go to bed,” Harley said with a giggle. 

Bob nodded firmly before he yawned, stretching his large arms over his head, and headed in the direction of his private rooms. 

Archie yawned until his jaw cracked. “See ya tomorrow night Boss, Miss Quinn. Here’s hoping I die in my sleep.” 

“Night Archie! Night Bob!!” Harley yelled out and waved. “I hope you die!” 

Archie gave her a pleased smile before he headed out. 

Frost rubbed his sore head. “You both gonna be okay Boss?” he asked, but Joker giggled. 

“Oh we’re fine. Go see your girl darling.” Joker made waving motions at Frost who nodded. 

“I’ll wait until you’re both up the stairs,” Frost said, sounding like a father or older brother. 

Joker laughed leaning on Harley. “I’m in good hands Frosty!!” He saluted and grinned. “I’m Captain Harley’s captive. She treats me real good.” 

Harley giggled and poked him. “Come on.” 

The two of them headed up the stairs. “Night Frost!” Harley called before they disappeared behind the door to their rooms. Frost sighed, glad he had them home safe and sound. He briefly wondered about Flopsy and the rest of the gang that had survived tonight, but shrugged. Joker’s and Harley’s henchmen were a dime a dozen; they’d show up eventually. 

* 

Joker and Harley wandered into their bedroom where Harley immediately started to strip off the remainder of her clothing. Joker followed her lead until they were both naked, their clothes pooled on the floor as they climbed into bed. Harley sank into the bed on her stomach with a groan. “I love bed.” 

Joker chuckled, lying down beside her, rolling onto his side toward her. He watched her as she lay on her stomach facing him, one arm lying down beside her torso, the other he knew was tossed over the side of the bed. He smiled tenderly and reached out to poke her in the cheek. She didn’t respond at first, so he poked her again. Harley opened one light blue eye to look at him. Joker smiled and leaned over to kiss her cheek. 

Harley’s smile grew as Joker snuggled down and wrapped his arm around her waist, his lips and nose pressed against her shoulder. 

Harley closed her eyes falling immediately to sleep with Joker following seconds later.


End file.
